SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I have 3 children. 19 months between the first 2, 3.5 years later my disabled child came along. I also work full time. So I’m not saying a 5 month old is ‘incredibly hard’, it’s a breeze compared to looking after a disabled baby/child along with 2 older children and working. My point was that she isn’t just free all day to do what she wants. She’s caring for a baby.

He gets home after the baby goes to bed, by choice, 4 nights a week. He could be home at 6.30, he chooses not to.

OP I would really counsel you against taking a five year career break, presumably longer if you have a second child. It's very difficult to get back into work after that and I have the feeling that at some point in the future you might need to earn your own living. Plenty of people go back part-time when their child is one and the child is fine - I'd really suggest that you do the same.

How is your day to day relationship with your DH?

If DC goes to bed at 7.30/8pm what time are they next up for a feed? We had a really padded bouncy chair which DC slept in between about 7pm and 10pm in the lounge at that age. It meant when DH got home from work at 7.30/8pm even though DC was asleep we were all in the lounge together and when they woke at 10-11pm DH could do the feed and then we all went to bed. Sometimes if I was really tired I would go up to bed earlier and leave DH/DC to it and DH would put DC to bed. There are ways to strike some sort of balance and saying now at 5 months that you won't leave DC until 1.5/2 yrs is not going to go down well with most Dad's.

And I didn't say 'she's free all day to do what she wants' I said there will be time in the day to prioritise exercise rather than choosing a tricky before work slot because she wants to do a particular class. I'm sure we'd all like to do a particular class. Sometimes a yoga by Adrienne class on YouTube or a quick walk are all you get.

OP - can I be nosy and ask what your partner does?

I've always wondered how people in their 30s (presumably) can earn so much!

How will she be able to do a class if she has the baby all day? Going for a walk/run with the buggy is not the same, plus it is likely to be disrupted by crying/puking/poonami so not really relaxing.

Why is it unreasonable to expect the dad to look after his own child while she exercises, but fine to leave the baby with a babysitter?

Also - if her husband was on here complaining about lack of sex would you tell him "sometimes a snog before work or a quick wank alone in the toilet is all you get?"

FFS. This thread is full of surrendered wife-bots

He could be home at 6.30 and see his baby, or does that not matter? The baby is 5 months, which has been mentioned many times on the thread.

@Italiandreams

I've just tried to find the NHS advice about constantly being in the same room as a sleeping baby. I can't find it. Please share the link. I have found this which is the same advice I got 8 years ago. It was last updated in January.

OP is being PFB about not getting childcare for the first 1.5/2 years

Or he could just actually do some parenting. Do you think there’s a woman alive who thinks she can have a baby and then do fuck all in the way of parenting? Or that their lives will continue unchanged and not actually involve more work? Maybe Madonna I guess…

I know you didn’t say that 😐. I was clarifying my own point in the post you were criticising.

Yes definitely a bit anxious when it comes to leaving DC. DH knows this and thinks I should leave them a bit more but also appreciates that I put my all into raising them and kind of just leaves me to it.

Grandparents both live hours away. I don’t feel that either set sees DC enough for me to feel comfortable leaving DC with them - I don’t think DC would settle.

We have discussed it but we just don’t see eye to eye. DH knows he works too many hours but isn’t willing to commit to being home any earlier, but does sympathise with how tired I am.

His wage does correlate with performance so there is some element of stress there. Financially we do just fine but DH would hate for our lifestyle to have to change.

Believe it or not, the entire 8-billion-person world doesn't operate in lockstep.

You do you, and let others do what works for them, without dodging your insults.

There is no one single right way to approach parenting and domestic arrangements.

Again I didn't say leave the baby with a babysitter - people don't read posts properly! I currently have a 5 month old and wouldn't leave her with anyone apart from my husband or parents. But I also wouldn't expect to be able to do a certain class twice a week that is consistently making my husband late for work!

He works in recruitment!

DH is in his 40s and I’m in my 20s.

I’m not making excuses here but DC really needs to be in bed by 8pm. There is no way they would settle downstairs with the TV on. Next feed is usually 1-3AM.

@Italiandreams

A thousand apologies!!!! It's in the first bloody sentence - it says for 'all sleeps' - sorry!

In which case I would try and get a bassinet downstairs as well as a cot upstairs

This is too ridiculous to even respond to.

I have a friend who trains for marathons; she has three kids under 7 and both a single and double jogging pushchair; she's taken each of them out in it from newbornhood. She gets tonnes of exercise that way, and I know she is picky about heart rate and such -- if there were that many interruptions while running with a baby, I'd have heard about it.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

When mine were tiny we put them in their own rooms at about 2 weeks - I know people now will throw their hands up in horror but that is just what everyone did. And there were no monitors easily available.

I am not advocating a return to the good/bad old days, but I do think 5 months is old enough for baby to be in their own room with a monitor. That way your OH might think it is worth coming straight home as he might get a conversation with you or even something more interesting to cement your relationship.

Don't expect him to add to his morning routine by looking after the baby while he is trying to get ready for work - that is not reasonable. You have the rest of the day to organise exercise or whatever.

But - he does need to come home on time and start to have his own relationship with the baby or else the child will become "yours" - your responsibility because you are the only one tuned in to their needs.

So, did he have this job when you decided to marry him and have a child?

He works from home, so I do see him whilst he’s working in the office which is one of our spare bedrooms.

i do sometimes get annoyed with the lack of time he spends with us, but I could have him coming out with us at weekends and evenings but the kids can’t do the clubs they do. We can’t shop at Ocado, have a cleaner etc.

it’s swings and roundabouts.

Wow, I had no idea it paid those kind of wages!

I don't mean to be patronising, but I suspect with time you'll see that there's more to life than money.

A partner needs to be supportive and engaged. You've just given birth to the most important person in your life and it's much more fun to know your partner adores them too; sharing stories, memories.

Loneliness in a relationship is very hard to live with long term. The money is nice but it can't buy you happiness.

I would sit him down and explain that you don't need £250k a year (you really don't, we live in the SE and live comfortably with 3 kids on a combined salary of around £95k).

Can't he take a new job paying less and expecting less? Ultimately, children grow very fast. This stage will be over so quickly and you'll have basically done it on your own. He needs a wake up call in my opinion.