SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

OP has commented since page 5 - if your still reading I’d suggest your partner is a workaholic and I’d been looking at this.
Hes making a choice - great salary - but at a cost to family life.

Also, I can´t believe how many people have voted YABU. What has happened to MN? 😯

@Daffodilfrog the guidance is now that the baby stays in the same room at all times when asleep, so if you are downstairs in the evening they should be in the room with you not upstairs in a cot

Yanbu op. I am also a sahm with 1 primary aged dc and a 4m old. Just for context, my dh is on much much more than your dh salary and it hasn't gone to his head. He treats me like an equal and would never take advantage of me in this way. It seems like because your dh is earning the big salary he thinks he can opt out. My dh will walk through the door, roll up his sleeves and get busy with whatever needs to be done. I have a very, very high needs baby who is going through a few issues and my dh knows exactly how hard it is because he parents his kids too. I think there's only been 2 nights since our baby was born where we haven't split the night feeds. In fact this week I had a friend visiting from another country, and I was going to decline an invite to spend the day with her and my dh refused. He took a day off so that I could be out the entire day, and he saw to both kids perfectly fine. I can't tell you how much that did for my mh to be out and just do something for myself. Your dh seems to have opted out of family life. He's assigned roles to each of you and thinks that the baby is just your job and responsibility. I would think of going back to work and simply telling him to step up or you need to reconsider staying.

Well firstly, you've put all of this on her. Play the good wife, make him feel included, etc etc. I couldn't think of anything worse then having to do any of that when I had my 5 month old. Fuck all that. But it's literally no bother for him to pick up wine and meals on his way home. Yet, you're suggesting she does all of this, and not suggesting she ask him to do it.

Where did I say she had to 'get dressed'? You said in your initial post "Being downstairs and dressed when he gets in from work one day each week."

👏

@blankittyblank I'm obviously not getting my point across very well. We're not understanding each other.

I'm not putting all of this on her. I'm saying that they both might find more common ground and a happier relationship if they make effort in their marriage as well as parenting. Seeing as she can't (and shouldn't) control what he does, maybe she could start with reminding him once a bloody week that she values him as a husband. Maybe that will pull him into shape and he starts to return the sentiment. He needs to step up, that's for sure.

And I didn't say anything about getting dressed. Read it again. I suggested she's dressed when he gets home, ie not undressed and changed into her pjs.

Currently catching up on replies!

Just to answer a few questions that keep coming up:

I specifically want to go to the gym in the mornings on these occasions as there is a specific class I would like to go to.

DH works in recruitment not law/finance etc. Some people do leave work on time, but DH is definitely a workaholic and this pays off financially.

I used to work in the media industry. It just wouldn’t be ideal for me to go back to work. We live too far away from where I’d ideally need to be and I wouldn’t want to be away from DC considering the salary I would get. I do plan on doing something once DC is a little older but this would be once they were at school.

DH isn’t a complete arse. He’s actually very thoughtful the majority of the time (much more so than me). He’s just a workaholic and buries his head in the sand when stressed.

l know that we can afford to, but I just don’t feel comfortable leaving DC with a nanny/in a crèche yet. DC is quite clingy with me (probably as they spend all day with only me a lot of the time), and the thought of leaving doesn’t sit right with me. Perhaps when they are 1.5/2…

I have been looking after baby all day! It’s taken me over an hour to read all of the replies.

Fair enough!! I'm sorry for misunderstanding. And you're right, they both need to make an effort.

Someone earlier said she's focused on the baby, and he's focused on work, and neither are focused on the marriage. Which is about right 🙂

This has been my main thought through everything. I am so pissed off at this that I can barely be bothered to stay downstairs with him when he is there. Which then in turns makes him less wanting to be at home and the cycle continues.

I'm not advocating for the husband not pulling his weight but all these comments from people that she's doing this incredibly hard task by looking after a 5 month old baby are a bit ridiculous! And I say that as someone who is currently looking after a 5 month old baby. I also have a 3 year old and trust me the days my eldest is in nursery and I just have my 5 month old are a breeze in comparison. They sleep a lot at that age so OP will have time to exercise, get out and about etc.

I would say he’s home “on time” once per week, pub twice and working late twice. However there have been some weeks where he hasn’t seen baby awake in the evenings all week.

It’s not just “one quick drink”. He can be in the pub for up to two hours sometimes. Probably on average around an hour.

So he takes 4 evenings out a week. That he could be home being with you all. And he twists that you take two mornings a week for PT? hypocrite

Looking after a baby in my experience is harder than being at work.

You can't leave them alone, they invariably cry/puke/poonami just as you try to go anywhere or do anything. Any time they are asleep you feel like you should be doing some mindnumbing chore, such as washing up/mopping/cleaning the toilet.

They wake up multiple times a night so you are permanently knackered.

It's a lot of boredom and drudgery.

Conversely being at work involves conversing with adults, being valued for your input, feeling important. Being able to go to the toilet or drink a cup of tea.

Yet for some reason SAHMs are "lucky" and if their husbands are rich, "gold diggers"

The husbands are poor tired hard working men who deserve to be waited on hand and foot when they aren't at work. Preferable with sex on tap.

Fuck that shit.

FWIW I'm a high earner and don't have someone at home running around after me and pampering me. Because I'm a woman. I'm expected to do both whilst still looking glamorous and giving good blow jobs

Where's my househusband, hmm?

Oh, also I forgot the feeding for 20 mins every two/three hours when they are little. Incredibly time consuming.

Are you quite anxious OP? Or could this be PFB?

Just a few things -
Not leaving DC an any kind of childcare until they're 1.5/2 - that's a bloody long time
No monitors
Being with DC virtually all the time.
Going to bed at the same time

It won't help you or your DC.

Do the grandparents ever come? Can they give you some time?

You need to have some downtime for yourself and with your DH.
DH needs to do more.

Have you talked about any of this with DH?

Also he has a high wage but how much of that is bonus? Is he stressed about bringing home the cash?

Oh wait, so it’s not hard? Why can’t he do it in the mornings then? Or is it a case of hard work when a man has to do it, but easy as fuck when it’s a woman?

Then tell him you’ll stop doing the gym in the mornings, if he stops doing the pub after work. You really both need to talk and find a new way of working together before this really drives you apart.

Interesting I wasn’t aware of that change - must make it really hard with more than one child

OP, he probably won't change his habits until the baby is older and more 'interactive', at that stage he might change his schedule to accommodate school dropoff or after school clubs if he himself gets enjoyment out of spending time with his own child.
At present, it looks like he doesn't enjoy being at home, let alone look after the baby especially in the morning when he needs to get ready for work.
He could, if course, wake up earlier to give himself time to get ready before you go to the gym. But ye just doesn't want to do these morning sessions.
He won't get better and you have to either get a part time nanny or take the baby to the gym if they have a childcare facility.
He sounds selfish really.

He is home by 8/8.30! That's not actually late! Bed at the same time as a baby is ridiculous unless its a newborn

I don’t know how many more times this has to be said, following NHS safe sleep guidance is not being PFB. Being with a 5 month old all the time is not unusual , when the baby is a little older, I’m sure OP will relax a bit, and probably be a little less exhausted. The first 6 months or so is brutal, but it should get better, as long as both of you parent.

I didn't say he couldn't do it in the mornings..? 🤔 I'm just saying that it's not as if there literally isn't half an hour in the day with a 5 month old baby where the OP couldn't do an exercise class or go for a walk so that's an option too.