SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Oh but he works (like most of the world) and earns a good wage, so he doesn’t need to know silly womanly things like how to keep his own child alive.

Yes, what's with the 'men just aren't interested in babies'? Do women get to be 'not interested in [their] babies' to the extent of not engaging with them at all, then swooping in and expecting all the adulation when they can talk and 'give something back'?

That's one of the saddest things on this thread - and there are a lot of sad things on here.

You're already pushing him out by going to bed with the baby and him sleeping in another room. No wonder he'd rather stay out for a beer than come home to sit alone in the lounge.

I think I'll step away from this thread now as the amount of misogynistic drivel being posted is behind belief.

He chooses to sleep in another room so he is not disturbed by his baby waking; the baby is solely cared for by OP.

OP would be very happy to spend time with her H if he a) came home and b) engaged with her & DC.

What is wrong with you that you make up pathetic excuses to rationalise the disengaged shit husband & father?

• beyond belief

He does his thing and I do mine. I'm a happy little team of three with my DC and he just comes and goes on the periphery. He's perfectly nice and mildly affectionate to the children when he sees them in an absent-minded way (but gets irritated if our older one is too boisterous or noisy) and he'll happily take the older one out occasionally for an ice cream or cake occasionally

How can you bear to share a life, or a bed, with someone who parents like this?

@SAHMworry As a stay at home mum myself (now, because although my kids are 21 & 18 I’m caring for my autistic DS and so I currently cannot work), I know that many mums do not get to have this life. I’m really grateful I’m able to be at home at the moment.

However, even when my kiddos were little, DH (even with a very stressful working long hours/away on tour type job) still made a huge effort to be a great dad.

To me, it sounds as though your relationship is already split down the middle - you & baby and your DH. He might be a bit of a lazy arse when it comes to parenting but it might also be that he feels really distanced and out on a limb since you had your baby….. which kind of rang alarm bells when you said you didn’t like to leave the baby with DH without you being there, or put Dc into its own room (assuming older than 6m). It could be that you have some level of separation anxiety and whilst that’s understandable, it does make it tricky for your DH to get involved. Perhaps he takes himself off to the pub because he doesn’t feel let in or involved enough.

I think chatting this over with him would be good - try to get a better balance. Maybe he could work from home more and then you could at least have lunch together and he’d be there after work etc.

Do you take turns at the weekend to have a lie in? One parent gets up and sorts baby and switch the next day.

Our relationship is kind of split into our own little jobs but the key thing is, we each know how to do each person’s jobs if necessary.

Imagine if you had to go to hospital for a week. Your DH would have to cope and manage baby and household.

Tbh, it sounds more like you’re living together but not as a couple at the moment.

@SAHMworry im in a similar setup to you OP. DH earns similar salary and I quit my job to become a SAHM once I had DS (2). I can understand your frustration but my best advice is to throw money at the problem, you can afford it. We pay for a cleaner and have put DS in nursery 4x afternoons per week. Soon to be 5x mornings. There's nothing wrong with accepting help where you need it, if your current setup doesn't work. I have also done 99.9% of the parenting since our son was born due to DH working long hours, although he works from home which makes it slightly easier. I used to and sometimes do feel resentment towards him for it but what helps is having my son in nursery so I get a break. I think your unfair to expect your DH to look after your baby before nursery, that sounds stressful. You could do an online PT class instead or find childcare.
We keep weekends for family time, that's a priority and that helps. But try not to do everything for your baby by yourself, it's important that your DH is involved in parenting otherwise you might end up with a very clingy toddler like I have, it's always mummy mummy mummy.
I've also started booking long weekends away with friends so DH has to take care of DS, can't duck out of it, I get a break and they get some quality time together. Your DH probably finds it stressful looking after your baby because he's not used to it. I have a friend who works away all the time and when she has to look after her son she's mega stressed because she's out of her comfort zone.

I think I'll step away from this thread now as the amount of misogynistic drivel being posted is behind belief.

I know - it's quite strange that people think that the sleep-deprived parent with no down-time should be making things nice for the well-rested parent with spare time for pub and gym trips. Very odd.

I think you are both a bit selfish. You can't expect him to look after DC while he gets ready for work when you're off all day and can afford a crèche. Also it won't be quality time with DC and won't help DC and DH relationship.
And DH needs to put a bit more in to being a parent and come home earlier a few nights a week.

I tip my hat off to all the women on this thread with incredibly low expectations of men. You make the world a better place by coupling with them so they don’t torment women like me and others who think like me.

It is shit but at least the OP is going to get on with her life with her eyes wide open. That's the only positive I can think of BUT I imagine if the OP takes him out of the occasion, apart from the money, then there is a chance she could be happy with her kids? It must work for some women.

He says I should go and do things and that he would be happy to watch DC, but I don’t yet have any desire to be away from them

Yet people are calling the guy a deadbeat dad when he is HAPPY to look after his child while OP has time to herself yet she doesn't want to.

That's what jumped out at me too

OP could go out on an evening with her DH but she doesn't want to get a babysitter.
She could do something on an evening when the baby is in bed, but she chooses not to.
She chooses to go to bed early evening every night so isn't getting time with her spouse.
And the only time she's decided she wants to go out is on a morning when her husband is getting ready to go to work.

He could do more around the house and not go to the pub most nights. The OP needs to accept that there's lots of options to exercise that don't involve expecting your partner to look after a baby whilst he gets ready for work on a morning.

It sounds like they're both being selfish and inflexible in their own way.

I can't believe people are telling OP, she's lucky 😂
Lucky for what? To have a POS husband?
Ladies, the standards, the standards. They're low, they're low.

@LolaSmiles she is following guidelines by being in the same room as the baby when it is asleep. Unless they have a cot downstairs too, which I guess they could afford, but I also assume she may be tired as DH swans off to the spare room every night.

Maybe OP should ask DH to come home early one night so he can do bedtime routine and she goes to the gym. He has offered, but as someone who doesn't voluntarily come home on time so can spend time with the family, I do wonder if they are just words and he doesn't actually mean it

😂😂😂

I hear you, I’m a SAHM and dh earns over 200k.

my children are primary school age.

dh has very little involvement with the kids, running of the house, dealing with school etc.

yes we don’t spend much time together, but I would rather live in a nice house, drive a nice car, have money in the bank than be a struggling single mum, working full time and can only afford to shop in primark, as this would be the case for me.

I think you should be finding a gym with a crèche and going during the day

Do you think the kids would rather have a dad who had an interest in them?

is this for real?

Amen.

I think you are both a bit selfish. You can't expect him to look after DC while he gets ready for work when you're off all day and can afford a crèche. Also it won't be quality time with DC and won't help DC and DH relationship.

'Quality time' isn't just the 'Disney Dad' stuff. You don't build a solid bond with your DC just by doing the fun stuff - the weekend park trips and cafe outings with a cute baby in tow.

Some of the most 'quality' moments I've had with my DC have also been the most stressful - like being shouty with my 5yo in the morning because he's messing about only for him to turn and give me a grin and a huge hug as we go out the door saying 'Even when you're shouty mummy, I love you hundreds'. Or making it into a challenge to run to nursery on time when the bus had broken down three stops away and I really needed to be at work on time that morning.

You can't expect him to look after DC while he gets ready for work when you're off all day and can afford a crèche

she’s not ‘off’ all day, she’s looking after a 5 month old baby 🙄.

A good marriage is not just based on how much money one person earns!

Ignore people saying you don't know how lucky you are op.

You need to work in your relationship. Your DH sounds quite selfish.

Sorry.

"He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much."

He doesn´t need to earn 250 k to provide for both of you. It´s his choice to work those long hours.
Also his choice to be late getting out of the house and his choice to be late returning home.
If he wants a family he also needs to choose being part of the family.

I think you are both unreasonable.

My husband is sole earner - doesn't earn half what your DH earns. Does he work so much because you all really need that much money? Did he work that much before DC - does he enjoy it? Or feel forced to do it? Could he decrease his hours so you have more family time?

I know women who have told me that their husbands are useless with the children, but from what I see they never give the men a chance to develop their own bond and way of doing things. They also won't do anything without the baby and the husbands are pushed out. It sounds rather true in your case.

By the age of one, I was going out two evenings a week and DH found his own way to get dc to sleep. It was completely fine. I hate leaving dc but it's only a few hours! Take your husband up on his offer to look after the children and go to the gym in the evening! Or make bathtime his thing. It's so important that they develop their own relationship with Dad.

I strongly believe that part of good parenting is taking the time to nurture your relationship with your spouse.

I think the balance sounds all wrong - he's working too much and checking out of family life, but it also sounds like when he's there you don't spend time with him or let him have sole responsibility for the baby either. I think you both need to compromise and find a balance that works for you all better.

I’m meaning putting baby down and then going back downstairs for a couple of hours - not moving baby into their own room before 6 months .

my teens have a great relationship with their Dad no shitness involved ..