SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I'm not sure why salary or your sex bears any relation to spending time with your child or doing something nice for your wife.

Going to the pub is not work related – unless you work in a pub. End of.

@Sleepless1096

Gosh I hope you don't give friends marriage advice! haha

Already gleefully rubbing your hands thinking how much CM she could get, or how about she just puts even 1% of effort into her current marriage...

I'm not sure why salary or your sex bears any relation to spending time with your child or doing something nice for your wife.

Going to the pub is not work related – unless you work in a pub. End of.

Absolutely, all of this. TG for some posters with sense.

The thing is... when people repeatedly ignore your needs, do what they want and refuse to talk about it or compromise, it's difficult to continue loving them or wanting to do nice things for them. Especially when you're exhausted from spending 24/7 caring for young children.

And I am relieved that if when DH and I separate, I will have sufficient assets and maintenance, when combined with my income working 3-4 days a week, to ensure our children are adequately provided for and their standard of living doesn't drop too much. And guess what - a decent share of those assets are from my work prior to going part-time with DC1. So no, I won't feel guilty taking what I'm entitled to.

And I'm not trying to pull a 'fast one' over my husband in any way - I've told him over and over again where our marriage is heading if things don't change.

How many children do you have? You say 'them' or is it just the one?

Sure I would. But not in the early mornings while trying to get ready for work.
I work part time. My working days everything is equal. My days off it’s my job to take care of the kids. I wouldn’t leave them with him while he’s going to work.
Weekends again are equal.
Shes not short of money. She can pay someone to watch the child while she exercises. In the middle of the day if she chooses to. If he doesn’t want to do it then he shouldn’t have to in my opinion on a work day. Paying someone is the easiest solution

The baby wakes in the night. She does 100% of the daytime care and 100% of the night time care. So yes, I imagine she is shattered.

@Sleepless1096 completely agree but sounds like you are projecting.

1. OP said:

He says I should go and do things and that he would be happy to watch DC, but I don’t yet have any desire to be away from them

Yet people are calling the guy a deadbeat dad when he is HAPPY to look after his child while OP has time to herself yet she doesn't want to.

1. Her husband WANTS to spend time with her in the evening but she goes to bed at 7.30-8pm every night. I can understand doing that most nights with a young child, but it's unsustainable and I rmemebr staying up during mat leave to see my OH

1. She goes to bed within 30 mins of him getting home but begrudges him going to the pub (which frankly is often part and parcel of the job, in my experience anyway even though I don't love going to the pub)

1. He is encouraging her to outsource so she can have time to herself but she doesn't want to

Yet people are calling him a dead beat and saying the SAHM is like a single parent, which imo is insulting to struggling single parents and people with ACTUAL dead beat partners

Well, the thing is, that's who he is, isn't it? His job is the most important thing in his life, and he clearly thinks the financial benefits that brings means he's bringing enough to the table and the rest is on you. In fairness, 'the rest' would be less onerous for you if you reconsidered buying in childcare.
Realistically I'm not sure what you can actually do about it. Its all well and good people saying tell him this that or the other, but if he refuses, what then? You can ask him to be home earlier and be more engaged, but you can't force it. So that really leaves you with two options. Live like a single parent on £250k a year, or actually be a single parent on benefits, or no longer able to be a SAHM.

Gazelda
OP, how do you think things could change? If it were me, I'd start with tiny investments in my marriage -
Being downstairs and dressed when he gets in from work one day each week. Dinner ready for him and sit with a glass of wine chatting while he eats (or even eat together!).
Give him the baby while he lounges in bed on Sunday morning and you can go for a swim or gym session.
A planned family day to the zoo or park.
Ask him to plan a family weekend away.

It sounds as though he doesn't feel included in your life or his baby's. Which has been much of his own fault. But the less he feels involved, the more tempting it is to go to the pub and leave you to parent alone.

I'm not saying you are at fault. But I think you should start including him more and treating him as a husband, not just a dad. I remember feeling as though my identity had been lost when I became a mum. I was no longer an adult with my own identity.

This response is bonkers! It reminds me of those 1950's adverts on 'how to keep your man happy"

Why doesn't HE do this? Why is it up to her to play a good wife? Why has she got to facilitate preparing and cooking a meal, getting dressed (?!) whilst having looked after a baby all day?

Why can't he come home from work with a bottle of wine and 2 ready meals?

Where did I say that he couldn't also do this? Where did I say she had to 'get dressed'? All I'm suggesting is that it takes two to keep a marriage happy. He obviously needs to step up and do more. For his baby as well as his wife. Equally, OP could help that along by showing him that she cherishes him as a husband and want to spend adult time with him. As I said - it would be helpful to both if they each included the other in their lives.

All marriages need effort from both.

And if you knew me, you'd know that I'm far from the 1950s housewife type. But I'm also far from the 'always blame the DH and don't take any responsibility yourself' brigade.

Why would she stay up for him when he doesn’t come straight home? It goes both ways.

OP's been pretty clear that there's just one child. It's not unreasonable to prefer not to state boy or girl - the sex of the baby isn't really relevant here - and 'them' is a perfectly normal way to refer to a person without stating their sex.

This doesn’t sound like a relationship to me, and sooner or later the kids will start to resent him not being there.

This post is about whether the SAHP should expect the working parent to look after a baby in the morning before they go to work because the SAHP wants to go to the gym. And actually yes, if SAHP was a man, I bet they would have had their arse handed to them, so yes I think the sex is relevant. The salary is also relevant because high salaries usually come with certain expectations over hours and yes maybe dealing with things at the weekend too. If it were a £25k job then the work expectations would be lower.

And some jobs do require a degree of networking out of hours. We also have no idea how often the husband is doing this as OP has not been back to her thread to clarify for hours. I have conceded that perhaps the husband could be being unreasonable on this point, but I do not know.

Only read your posts OP but I'm going to guess that you have more cunty replies telling you shouldn't expect any more from him as a husband or father due to the amount he earns.
My reply is going to be abit harsh but its coming from a place of kindness 😁.
This is him. This is how he will always be. You know now that he is a disinterested husband and father since having your little one. He thinks this is your job, probably doesn't really have any emotional connection with his baby at all (otherwise he would want to be involved).
I couldn't live like that, knowing that my husband had so little respect for me and no real thought or love for our child. I think you will though, I also think you will have more children with him. If you do both these things, you are just going to have to accept him and how he is, suck it up and get on with it. He will not change and if you are resentful it will just become toxic. Look after yourself, put the baby in a creche, nursery a couple of days a week, get a cleaner. Arrange things to make your life easier and less stressful. He will not step up, he will never see it from your point of view so look into coming to terms with that so you can live your life without that resentment and anger.

She has clarified hours - he leaves at 7.30 and could be back at 6.30 if he didn’t go to the pub first or linger in the office. A very short day for a high earner IMO. Every high earner I know (myself included) works far longer hours.

I was a SAHM with a husband with a big job . The relationship you and your husband have seems unsustainable to me - in all honesty you are both in the wrong and you both need to make changes .

He needs to start coming home at least part of the week and you need to be around to spend some time with him . Baby will be fine with a baby monitor and once 6 months fine in the gym crèche . My husband came into his own once baby became a bit older .. maybe 9/12 months . Hopefully your husband will too .

But how on earth do you stop the resentment building? Just swallow it? I couldn’t love or fancy a man who had such little regard for my contribution to the family and appeared disinterested in his child.

This post is about whether the SAHP should expect the working parent to look after a baby in the morning before they go to work because the SAHP wants to go to the gym.

You didn't do a lot of reading of the OP then.

It's for this that OP's H regards her as selfish. However, the OP clarifies the situation with detail that her H does nothing at all for their child, goes to the pub multiple times a week instead of coming home, and even when he does, he sits drinking instead of putting the DC to bed or engaging with her.

The post is therefore about a lot more that going to the gym at a certain point.

The salary is also relevant because high salaries usually come with certain expectations over hours and yes maybe dealing with things at the weekend too.

Sure. Except OP's H does not work particularly long hours. And many of us have written about direct experience of hub earners who do manage to contribute to family life, notwithstanding some constraints their job imposes. So this is complete bullshit & invention by you.

some jobs do require a degree of networking out of hours

True. But no job needs this multiple times a week. None. And even when he does come home, he sits having a drink while she looks after their DC

It's so irritating when posters make up narratives to put forward some flawed theory.

Sadly I suspect you are totally right 😔

I have no idea, I have never had to do it! What is the alternative though? I'm guessing she doesn't want to separate so god knows.

@Daffodilfrog guidance is that baby, when asleep, should be in the same room as you until 6 months, not in a separate room with a monitor. I think it helps regulate their breathing, a monitor can't do that.

And we shouldn't have to wait until men come into their own, baby would have a shit life if we had the same low bar of expectation for a woman

my dh works the same hours but doesnt go to the pub after he would go on his days off which isnt alot these days

he sounds utterly useless as a father doesnt know how to feed his child how ar epeople missing that p0oint hes acting like a spare part not a dad

Neither of you are unreasonable for wanting to spend more time together.

You're both unreasonable to not want to compromise, but I'm coming down on the side of your husband here.

You're going to bed with the baby. When he's only been home for half an hour or whatever. I know you say he could come home earlier - but if he's working over the weekend as well for an outrageous salary, then I think what you're saying that those five hours a week he should tag on at the weekend so you can continue to go to bed really really early. (Not that I particularly understand this tbh - agree with other comments about seniority and flexibility).

Your baby is five months. You don't have to be in the room with him all the time. I think it's unfair you are a SAHM but aren't using time during your day to go to the gym, instead making everything a rush in the morning. Yes I get it, he should be more organised - but you could also be a little more supportive? Maybe he'd be more willing to spend time with his own child if he felt like you wanted him to not just when you can't physically be there? You're already pushing him out by going to bed with the baby and him sleeping in another room. No wonder he'd rather stay out for a beer than come home to sit alone in the lounge.

But how on earth do you stop the resentment building?

You just accept they're not going to change, decide on your course of action and live your best life in the meantime. I am no longer resentful of my husband. He does his thing and I do mine. I'm a happy little team of three with my DC and he just comes and goes on the periphery. He's perfectly nice and mildly affectionate to the children when he sees them in an absent-minded way (but gets irritated if our older one is too boisterous or noisy) and he'll happily take the older one out occasionally for an ice cream or cake occasionally. I wouldn't be surprised if we manage to co-parent perfectly amicably once the expectation for him to do any active parenting is removed, though I'd be surprised if he managed (or even wanted) EOW (at least, unless he had childcare back-up like a nanny/babysitter).