SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

This response is bonkers! It reminds me of those 1950's adverts on 'how to keep your man happy"

Why doesn't HE do this? Why is it up to her to play a good wife? Why has she got to facilitate preparing and cooking a meal, getting dressed (?!) whilst having looked after a baby all day?

Why can't he come home from work with a bottle of wine and 2 ready meals?

Amen!

He who pays the piper calls the tune....

If you are not just trying to wind people up, you are a disgrace.

It always annoys me when the OP disappears from a thread like this that has received lots of heartfelt replies and useful advice!

Not one who is 100-percent supporting someone else in exchange for childcare and housework.

Oh my God.

What utter misogynistic nonsense are you writing?

Any SAHM is by your definition in that position, not just one whose spouse earns £250k.

And in your view, that entitles the working parent to do nothing, not even be with their own child alone for a brief period? That's so utterly shocking & depressing.

Unless they are suffering from some kind of illness most parents manage to not go to bed at 7.30-8pm every night. Yes sometimes after a bad night an early night or a nap is called for but not every night.

My views
He says he needs to work those hours to earn £250k
No one needs £250k to live.
You are not letting go of child at any point. You are going to bed so early that you aren't present for a adult relationship at all.
You could do mum & baby fitness classes. You could use a gym with crèche.
Both of you need to compromise or break up by time child is two

OP posted 12 times. Hardly disappearing.

Additionally (and I include myself here) it has now descended to posters arguing over the rights & wrongs of a high-earning parent opting out of parenting ... sorry father (doesn't seem to apply to high-earning mothers). It's not a lot of use to her really, and nor are the repeated suggestions of using a creche & making herself look nice for her H when he deigns to appear after his daily trip to the pub.

SAHMs are not slaves.

Funny how most full time working mums, however stressful the job, manage to be there for their kids at least some of the time.

Hi @SAHMworry It’s incredibly early days in your lives as parents and I think you both need to cut each other some slack. New parenthood is a totally different experience for women - huge physical impact, flooded with hormones, normal pre baby life stops abruptly, often lonely at home; and for men - no physical impact, normal life continues unchanged, misses their pre baby wife. All normal.

I think you both need to flex a bit. For him, I think lots of new dads struggle to find early parenting enjoyable or to tune in, remember you’ve had a crash course and he hasn’t. He does have to be at home
more but try to make it more enjoyable. So maybe one morning a week have a nice breakfast the three of you and sit with the baby on a mat doing tummy time and making him smile / giggle etc. Maybe at the weekend your husband could take the baby to eg Water Babies swimming. On your side, I understand that you don’t feel ready to be away from your baby but for the health or your marriage I would take some steps in that direction eg the baby can sleep upstairs in the evening and you and your husband can have dinner together. Perhaps try to find a great nanny who could come to your house sometimes to facilitate the gym. Make some mum friends so you are not so desperate for just your husband’s company.

Lots of people will say, why do you have to make it nice for him, but you love him so why wouldn’t you? He’s struggling too in a different way and he’s under pressure too in a different way. Long term, helping your baby and husband to have a great relationship and keeping your own marriage good are some of the best things you can give your baby and much more important than whether he sleeps in his own room and six months or twelve.

Good luck, everything you are experiencing is normal and you’re doing great!

I think it sounds shit, OP. You’d think he’d want to come home at 6.30 and spend time with you and the baby before the baby goes to bed. I understand wanting to go to bed early when you have a 5 month old who wakes overnight.

I bet if the woman was earning £250k and the man was SAHP that wanted her to look after the baby before she got ready for work or suggested she get up earlier because he wanted to go to the gym, the answers would have been very different.

I do agree his hours are not particularly taxing, but as such, I would imagine there is very little scope to reduce them whilst maintaining a £250k job. Perhaps he could go to the pub less, but OP hasn’t said how often he goes and whether it is work related or not, I did ask that seventeen pages ago.

So you wouldn't expect him to parent at all? Wow. Low bar. Very low bar.

He is being unreasonable, but I wonder if he’s feeling the pressure of working/providing, alongside maybe feeling slightly alien in his own home, resulting in this mindset?

NOT your fault, but a product of your family arrangement.

He spends more time at work/out than at home, probably feels like he doesn’t know DC as well as you do, and maybe feeling a little disconnected from you too. You’ve ended up having quite rigid roles and responsibilities, with not much overlap or team working. Shared responsibilities for me is part of what makes my relationship strong with my DH.

im not saying this is only your problem to solve, it needs to be solved together, but just suggesting what might be causing it. Xxx

There is a lot here.

Does your DH resent you being a SAHM? Sounds like you don’t have any interest in your relationship with DH now that dc is here - you need to sort that out pronto or else you’ll find there are plenty of other women only too willing to give your high earning DH their time. This might suck, but it’s the truth. No time on your own since dc? That needs to be remedied as a priority.

I wouldn’t expect my DH, who is also a very high earner to give up any of his work time for childcare. I wfh part time, but I do absolutely all the house and child stuff (ds is older, a teen). That’s the deal, DH also works Mon/Tues evenings at home, but the rest of the time DH is present with us and fully engaged. Sounds like your DH has detached and switched off. You need to make your relationship with DH an absolute priority and hopefully that will get him back on track and re-engaged with family life. All the stuff about the gym is a red herring, it’s way deeper than that. He’s checked out and you need to sort that out.

Many many 5 month olds wake multiple times in the night, so yes it’s very normal to be exhausted every night. I regularly went to bed at that time when mine were little. In now they sleep through I don’t need to unless we have a bad night.

@Mortimercat I'd say the same roles reversed. I have a 2.5yo and went to many fitness classes while on maternity leave. It's just not necessary before work when someone is leaving the house at 7.30am to get to work and you're home all day. Would be different if that was the only time she could go.

I have a highly paid and busy job. My husband does too. When he has manic times at work he barely sees us for 2 weeks. When I have manic times I barely see my little one, and our little one sees his nanny and grandma more. Some people on this thread don't have an appreciation of how stressful these types of jobs are & how inflexible they can be.

I can leave and get home at 7.30pm most days I'm not WFH, but I'm typically then doing work in the eve which OP's OH is likely doing - but she wouldn't know as she's already asleep.

While on mat leave, I would try to stay up a few nights a week to actually see my OH, but if her baby is 6 months and likely not sleeping just accept that it's a phase and some nights you won't see each other, but then don't begrudge him going to the pub instead of coming home to sit alone at home!

I didn't know that when I posted the op was vague saying under 1.

Does your DH resent you being a SAHM? Sounds like you don’t have any interest in your relationship with DH now that dc is here - you need to sort that out pronto or else you’ll find there are plenty of other women only too willing to give your high earning DH their time.

And by that time, she might be happy to wave him off cheerily and take her share of the assets. And CM of course - the great thing about having a career-driven, employed high-earning spouse is that it's quite a sizeable amount and difficult for them to avoid.

I suppose my ideal situation would be DH being home before 7pm, us spending an hour together as a family, putting DC to bed and then coming back downstairs for an hour or two. And resigning to the fact that our old evening meals out at the weekends now have to be lunches out with DC coming along with us.

YABU

You want your DH to spend more time as a family but when you do go out for a meal as a family on the weekends you are resentful because you want it just you and DP.

It seems like you are just trying to find fault or want the best of both worlds which isn’t possible.

You could go to the gym that has a crèche or go in the evenings when DH is home - it’s almost like you’ve chosen the worst time for DH just to make things difficult for him.

You can also go out in the evenings with just you and DH but you would need a babysitter which you aren’t willing to do.

I don’t think you are intentionally being so difficult but I think you both have an idea of what life with kids is like and yours is very different to DH’s.

I work FT Mon-Fri but I also work many evenings and weekends too but I get less than £20k as it’s term time only.
I am a single parent so my options are limited.

You live a life that most of us can only dream about and I think you need to recognise how fortunate you are that you can afford not to work and employ a cleaner and nanny, go out whenever you want, join a gym etc if you wish to.

The reason you can do all of these things though is because of your DH working so hard.
And so although I completely understand where you are coming from as you want him to be more involved, I do think you need to cut him some slack about going to the pub because you are able to do whatever you want all day and he just wants a couple of hours down time.

Gym with creche, you have the money, why not use it?

He sounds like he is a workaholic and you are both so different. He may like a SAHM for his child and may seek other satisfaction elsewhere but that's not your fault since you appear to be poles apart. Can you do things together in the evening and go out and get a sitter? Assuming you want to and want to have a relationship, otherwise why not just separate now before the rot fully sets in?

There’s no team work in your marriage. Why doesn’t he come home at 6:30 and you do bedtime together, that’s what most parents do when both are working. Then sit and have a wine and watch an episode of something. Or take baby for an evening walk when lighter nights are in. Get a babysitter once a month and have a date night. You both need to be investing in your family and marriage, not playing separate roles. This is why it’s hard when there’s a SAH parent as your roles aren’t naturally shared. When both are working and both are parenting it’s much easier IMO.

How is she a single parent if she has her DH looking after the child every morning she's at the gym and he pays for every single thing? You have no idea what single parenting is if you think their ex partner looks after the child in the morning while they go to the gym and pays for every single thing.

You also confuse what lodgers are. They surely don't pay for every single thing for their host and host's child.

OP if you fall for the Mumsnet standard of LTBG thinking your life is like that of a single parent you would be very unwise and one of these women will be happy to have him on half his wage and they stay at home.

Your husband seems to think his duty to his child at this stage is to provide and protect. So he ensures you're home and he provides.

He'll like to spend time alone with his wife but you're not interested in that at the moment as for you your responsibility is to be there for your child 100%. You're weakening the bonds of your marriage OP.

You need to also prioritise your relationship with your husband. Make time to bond with him and also for the three of you as a family and he should learn that it's healthy for him to bond one on one with his child and begin to do more of that.

Also your baby is only 5 months old.
You are still working things out and getting used to the new normal.

Be kind to yourself and remember there is no such thing as the perfect family.
There has to be a compromise somewhere.

Sleep is so important but make sure you’re also doing things for yourself.
Maybe get into a routine where you stay up later twice a week - one time you and DH could order a takeaway and watch a fi and another night you could go out with your friends whilst DH is at home.

I do agree with those too who stated the chances are this guy would be like this regardless of salary level- some men of all salary levels just aren't into parenting other than in theory and it's often hard to know who is/isn't until in that position.