SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

@Sleepless1096 haha fair enough, use the phrase as you please, but those with actual deadbeat dads know that what I have just deceived certainly isn't one!

And yes, most babies with full time nannies and even a dad that works 9-6pm (given that babies sleep so early) will likely have a stronger relationship with their nanny.

Babies have a special bond with their mum typically due to the time spent early days and the smell of milk etc, but according to your definition most men working in senior positions banking, corporate law, consulting etc etc are deadbeat dads! LOL

But she can't do it at any point of the week because she doesn't want to leave her tiny baby with a stranger.

Personally, though, OP, I do think you should just go for it. If you organise a regular nanny (and there are lots who are keen to pick up part-time hours), you'll soon be much more comfortable leaving the baby with them than with your husband.

When I'm getting ready for work, I'm not just grooming; I'm planning my day, getting into the right mindset for the discussions I'll be having, mentally organizing tasks or reviewing information, and so on.

It's a part of the work day, and as the breadwinner and only worker, he shouldn't have to deal with those distractions. Not when she is a) the SAHM being supported in exchange for child care and b) has umpteen other options for exercise.

@SAHMworry I'm in a roughly similar situation, a higher earner DH who works long hours and also has to work from home during evenings and weekends. I do work part-time but I'm on extended maternity leave so I've practically been a SAHM for a while.

The difference is that he does want to spend time at home with them, he'll try to come home as early as possible and he drops our eldest off at nursery. He goes out with DD whilst I go to baby swimming and takes her to her dance lesson.

It sounds like your DH doesn't want to engage in family life. Why would he think you want to go out for a date night if he makes no effort to spend time as a family? My DH did struggle with our firstborn, but he's doing much better with our second one. Some men find it hard to get a grasp on fatherhood and parenting, especially if they are so career obsessed.

He needs to step up and be a father, perhaps you could assign a specific job for him like Saturday pram walk, bath time etc? DH does bath time and puts DD to bed almost every night.

I am in a similar situation but our ‘kids’ are now 20 and 21, however our youngest DC has a chronic illness that means I am home looking after her when she’s not at work.

It’s hard yakka, but it’s a life stage right now and I know it won’t be this way forever. Everyone needs space to wind down.

Can you go to the gym during the day and use a crèche?

My babies were all in their own rooms between 6-12 months. Everyone slept better. I didn’t even have a monitor back then.

@Sleepless1096 that's a self made problem though! You can't have everything.

She will be more tired than the average SAHM cs she is doing everything, so unless she has family support she will burn out with no help.

Babies were not designed to be raised by one mum 24/7 with no help... it takes a village!

How many kids do you have OP? I’m a bit confused.

Well that's what I originally thought but I misread the OP and thought the baby was a year old.

I wouldn't put a five month old in crèche on an occasional or part time basis. My son went to a childminder full time at 8 months old and I know a lot of people whose children have been in full time childcare from 3 months but there is always a settling in period.

I can understand why the OP doesn't want to use childcare just yet. I wouldn't have left mine with anyone except my husband or MIL at that age. I don't think many people would.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune expressed what I meant better than I could!

People on this thread just have no idea what certain jobs entail.

And she goes to bed before he gets home, hasn't had sex since before the child's birth, won't take up his suggestion to get a sitter so they can socialize together and expects him to accommodate her exercise schedule even when it interfered with his work day.

No wonder he is "checked out."

I agree that she should brush up her CV and look to rejoining the workforce ASAP.

Everything has pretty much been said so I fear my voice will just be an echo; however my two pence worth;

You are both being unreasonable in one way or another. Starting with you because it's you thread - You are unreasonable to book your gym time for in the morning when he is trying to get ready for work. He can't spend proper time bonding with the baby whilst trying to get ready. Go to the gym in the evening and let him do bath time, bed time etc.

You are being unreasonable to go to bed with the baby. Spend some adult time with your husband. When are you both eating dinner?

He is being unreasonable not making more effort to come home on time to see his child and be present. Why doesn't he want to be home with his family.

@ladykale . There are around 10-20 people who my baby would be more comfortable being left with before her own father, and not just grandparents, family and friends - the cafe lady, the staff in our local library, the lady who runs our baby and toddler music group, probably our postman, definitely our neighbours, my elder DC's friends' parents (both mums and dads), my elder DC's football coach...

That's pretty poor imo.

In theory yes I think the DH should be mucking in and making changes- in practice 'many' (not all) men on this sort of money think they are top dog and think you are lucky to have the option of being an SAHM . If OP wants to remain in the relationship then she either has that conversation and see what happens or if he doesn't step up to the plate she makes it clear she will be using some childcare to get a break in the daytime OR she finds a gym with a crèche . The only other option is to carry on and accept this until the child is in nursery and some hours will become free, OR separate. I certainly wouldn't be having another baby in these circumstances.

You are being unreasonable to go to bed with the baby

Maybe she's fucking exhausted. I am.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune - who looks after your tiny children while you have this thinking time and getting ready time ( I’m assuming your situation must be similar if you are able to compare) ?

Not sure why some people are talking about your DH as though he's some important big shot with 'oh such a busy and stressful job', meaning he gets to a) opt out of parenting and b) make his partner unhappy. Being out the house at 7:30/8 and home by 6:30 (without the pub stop making him an hour later), is a completely typical working day for the majority of people who work full time, regardless of what salary they are on. Myself and DH work these hours and we both spend breakfast time in the morning with our children, we get home and we both do the bedtimes.

Your DH would be behaving this way regardless of his hours or salary, because he has no interest in being a parent. He has spare time in his day, and he chooses not to spend it with you and your child. I'd be headed to marriage counselling if this were me.

And since when did high-earning men get to opt out from being part of the village that raises their own kids?

most men working in senior positions banking, corporate law, consulting etc etc are deadbeat dads!

As the high-earning women on this thread have pointed out, while certain roles are challenging in terms of parenting, responsible parents don't opt out.

I have a brother & brother in law who have high-earning, stressful roles. Both necessitate long hours out of the house. One involves travel most of the week. They have a lot of paid help, sure, and their wives work in varying ways / amounts. Both find ways to be involved - school drops, sports & being fully involved at weekends. One of them last weekend used a small gap between surgeries to get to a rugby match, watch DC, bring home, before legging it back to theatre. He'd been solidly on call from 8 pm 2 nights previously at that point.

Those families are very privileged & do use their financial success to make life easier with housekeepers, extra childcare, au pairs etc. they also have stressful lives I couldn't manage. But they are committed and present & make that a priority. Of course it's possible.

And for me - I'm a singer parent in a mid-level managerial role in the public sector. I'm paid a fraction of the salary described here. I often work long exhausting days to fit in work & what my DC need. I'm always juggling and often feel like I'm failing (everyone). I have no spare cash for extra help that would alleviate the burden.

It's infuriating that some posters equate financial success with dropping commitments as a parent. The truth is that every parent needs to step up, and how much they earn is irrelevant to that

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Ah, you're surely taking the piss now?

A parent shouldn't have to care for their own progeny before their working day starts as they need to get in the right headspace for the day?

Don't be ridiculous.

This is a hard one because no matter the money my dh earned I would never want to be the sole patent so I find it really difficult to imagine being in your shoes. If you've agree you take sole responsibility in taking care of baby then yabu to leave baby with him in the mornings when he is getting ready for work. I appreciate you wouldn't get any other time to go to the gym but that's what home work outs are for.

Really you need to sit down and speak to him. You want to be a sahm but you need to get across that whilst he goes to the gym 2 or 3 days a week you need to go too and should have equal downtime. Come to some sort of agreement where you both go 3 days each. Explain exactly how you feel and let him do the same. Do not interrupt or get defensive but both take turns to say your peace. It can be all encompassing when you have a child but op this is only your first and your marriage is on the rocks, it doesn't bode well for your longterm future.

He who pays the piper calls the tune....

You're not though are you?

The OP says: DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

It's clear there's 1 baby, who is 5 months old, as later clarified.

Stop being needlessly arsey

I know plenty of people who have stressful jobs and work long hours. They mange too much in, be there for their children and not opt out of parenting. They may not earn that much money but earning money doesn’t give you a monopoly on long hours and stress.

Not one who is 100-percent supporting someone else in exchange for childcare and housework.

And many do. And also know they can't step out of being a parent because they happen to earn a lot of money.