SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I went to bed at that time when my babies were that small because I was knackered! I was up several times in the night. I took every opportunity to sleep that I could. Honestly, it’s hard when the children are tiny but it’s a very short amount of time. The needs of a tiny baby do come before couple time for us, luckily my husband is on the same page.

Im just highlighting this from the OP for those that may have missed it

DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the day. DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks

so for those of you saying no wonder he doesn't come home earlier as the OP is in bed, he doesn't even come help (or take over) bath time when he is home when they are awake. Instead he sits downstairs drinking.

Like I said above, money excuses deadbeat dads and makes them socially acceptable.

I think you should go to PT and the gym, it's good for your body. You maybe won't realise until you are older how strain it puts on your body to have a baby, but it does. But it doesn't really make sense for your DH to be doing the childcare for this, get a nanny or babysitter for those times. Until you can find one, it is ok for him to do it but try to solve that problem with money since you have the money. I think he's wrong to call it selfish (when he's going to the pub after work, too) but it's inefficient. OTOH if he's not willing to spend on nanny, babysitter, etc, then you have a bigger problem that he doesn't respect you.

Your baby is very little. Some of this is due to baby's age. Temporary and will improve. However I know how lonely those early days can be if your spouse isn't willing to pick up any of the slack so you can ever get a break from the baby. It makes you feel like you're in this alone, as the mum, and your spouse is just living his normal life as usual while your life got eaten by the baby. It can really damage a marriage.

So he gets ‘down time’ at the pub and that’s ok but OP wants her ‘down time’ at the gym and that isn’t ok?

^^this!

Ffs

Tbh this is the price u pay and the sacrifices that comes with that type of job with 1/4 million salary
it’s a way of life not a job
can’t you organise childcare he’s working horrendous hours I wouldn’t want to get up early
tbh the I do everything but and he’s doesn’t isn’t down to laziness or not pulling his weight he’s out earning your at home running it no ones getting a free ride or sat watch the other do everything

@DanceMonster yes I do! Most people in my profession earn that after 8 - 10 years including bonuses (investment banking, corporate law, hedge fund, partner at big 4).

Everyone on this thread is out of touch of what the norm is for people with those sort of jobs. People will look at you as if you have two heads if you say you are leaving at 5pm on the dot to do bath time every day, some days yes, but every day just isn't realistic.

Many of the men do have SAHWs (& nannies or housekeepers in some cases) & work long hours and only see their child at the weekend. Truthfully it means if you have a child and are the primary care giver as a woman it can be hard to keep up, even with a nanny etc.

The OP should just
• get some outside help
• make some time for herself
• take her OH up on his offer to get some childcare and go out at the weekend
• make some one on one time for her OH or their marriage won't last

^^ also this.

So utterly depressing.

You can't have it all ways OP. It sounds like you haven't pretty good

If he leaves at 7.30am then yes it's a bit ridiculous and I wouldn't agree to look after a baby if I had to leave for work at that time. I'd arrange for a nanny to come and start at 7am so I could get ready,

This is insane.

Why TF would you?

How much 'looking after' is needed that a nanny would be needed, instead of a parent, who can surely manage to dress themselves & still keep a 5 mo baby alive?

Like most of us with DC?

Surely many posters writing this shit have several DC, and have had to get themselves, older DC, and baby up, fed & out the door in the morning? It's not regarded as remarkable. But this man cannot be expected to dress himself & care for a baby for a short period of time?

Exactly. Can't wait to see my 24k earning-term-time only-better parent than me-husband tonight. I already appreciate him and what an amazing dad he is. This thread has reinforced that.

@Sleepless1096 the phrase deadbeat dad is overused.

A man working to provide for his family

Making all his money available to his wife (I am assuming this)

Encouraging her to outsource some childcare so she can have time to herself and time together

... is not a deadbeat dad!!

Absolutely ridiculous

If he leaves at 7.30am then yes it's a bit ridiculous and I wouldn't agree to look after a baby if I had to leave for work at that time.

I get myself, a breastfed baby and a 5 year old up, dressed, breakfasted and out the door for 7.30am. It's really not that difficult to look after one small, non-moving baby while getting yourself ready at the same time. You just need to be organised.

What did you do career wise before having a child? Would you go back?
Sorry, you didn't ask that, just interested.

If you want to go to the gym, I think you need a nanny/nursery/childcare for a few mornings a week. Your husband earns a fortune, and therefore needs to put the hours in.

Ask him to change jobs, 35 hours a week and a substantial pay cut. If he takes a job with a lot less responsibility and expectation, he will be there to parent a lot more. How would you feel if he done this OP?

I am also a high earner and have a good understanding of how stressful and time consuming the DH’s work is. Most high earners have greater control over their day in the morning which is why him spending time with his DC in the morning should work perfectly. He would just need to be a bit more organised the night before.

I do the whole morning routine to make sure that I’m spending time with my DC everyday because I rarely make it back home for bedtime if I’m in the office and if I’m wfh bedtime is prime time for zoom meetings. But I also choose not to opt out of parenting and my DH wouldn’t put up with it, high salary or not.

Sorry OP - I think YABU. You've chosen to be a SAHM, so time for yourself is limited. If you want to go to the gym, it's time to introduce a regular sitter or nanny for DC, so they can get used to this person and you can go out in the evening or morning without it causing your DH to only get ten mins to get ready and leave in the morning. On his income, a p/t nanny is more than affordable. I think you need to spell it out to him that he's getting x amount of free time to relax and you're not getting any, so he either needs to come home earlier on some days of the week to enable you to get out and do things OR he needs to agree to you using childcare and be prepared to pay for it. YANBU to feel cooped up, as you have no time for yourself, especially with the bedtime routine (I have been here!) but YABU to go to classes that leave him either trying to look after the baby and get ready for work or leave him only ten mins to get showered, dressed and out the house.

When you reach the point that your own baby has a stronger relationship with relative strangers than they do with you, then yes, you are a deadbeat dad.

"Make him want to come home"

Urgh.

So much wrong with that statement I can't even be arsed to write it out.

I think it's more so the fact she could do it at any point in the week and isn't working and could get some help but chooses not to...

So let me be clear: if a partner (seemingly male only) earns a high salary, then they can absent themselves from their family relationships entirely?

Their partner can have no expectations of them? Because ... money.

Is there a sliding scale? Or is is a fixed point? Once you hit a certain salary, all bets are off in terms of parental & relationship responsibilities?

God help us. If this is the shite some women write & believe

he’s working horrendous hours

He works from 8 or so to 630. How is that 'horrendous' hours?

He's in the pub multiple times a week. How is that 'horrendous'?

Seriously, cop on.

On what planet is leaving the house at 7:30/8:00am and being in the pub by 6:30pm 'horrendous hours'.

Sounds pretty standard to me.

Did you both want DC?

You're both living such different lives that it becomes really difficult to understand where the other is coming from. You're both exhausted though.

Seems like he's avoiding being a parent and throwing himself into work and the pub. He might feel like there's no time for him anymore, you are wrapped up in DC but seems like he misses your relationship. His confidence has been knocked by not having any alone time with DC and now this is the result.

Then from your POV, you're doing everything for DC and probably feel like a single parent at this point. You just want him to be a dad and you're craving alone time in your own way.

Something needs to change! Go back to work or get outside help or tell your DH to drop some hours at work, move somewhere less expensive or something.