SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

It?

An idea. Why not ask DH to be back home in time for dinner with DC? At least three work nights per week.
You can afford to eat out so why don't you and DH and DC eat out locally once per week too.
Regarding the gym. It is not really appropriate for DH to be late for work. Why not go out a couple of evenings instead when you know DH can be home or use child care during the day. If you are trying to reconnect with your husband and he works long hours it makes sense that the time he is home you do things together.
Join a social group with the baby. An art workshop, swim group, singing club, flowerarranging, walking club or something that gets you meeting others and so that DH isn't the only outlet for you.

@Tittyfilarious81

How about you try reading OP's posts?

This is what OP would like to happen in the evening:

I suppose my ideal situation would be DH being home before 7pm, us spending an hour together as a family, putting DC to bed and then coming back downstairs for an hour or two.

But her H chooses to finish work at a reasonable time, and go to the pub. By the time he gets home, the baby is in bed, and OP is understandably less than thrilled at then spending time with her H who regularly prioritises the pub over family time.

She's with the baby all day. She does every single thing for the baby. She gets up each & every time at night - her H sleeps in the spare room.

There literally isn't a more clear-cut example of a disinterested, disengaged father & partner, and yet poster after poster is falling over themselves to justify his behaviour, making up nonsense in the process.

So how much experience of SIDS research do you have that you think all the advice is wrong and you're right? 5 months baby should be sleeping alongside an adult, wither downstairs or in their room.

Which is why she's going to bed with him @Blossomtoes, so baby is in a routine and in bed at a proper time. Personally ours slept downstairs until about 11 pm but it did necessitate telly being lower, lights being lower. Along with DH doing no nights, even on his days off.

It only needs to be for another month or so.
. @SAHMworry could he boo ma few days AL so you can all just spend time together? If he doesn't want to, then you have bigger issues.

Yes, it. I don’t know the baby’s sex, so what else would I call it?

I think this probably plays a bug part in it all. Would you want to come home to an empty house every night? You walk in the door and your wife grabs the baby and heads off upstairs. It really isn't normal behaviour in a happy family.

Except this is invented by you 🙄

OP would be happy to see her H if he came home after work & saw her & participated in the baby's evening routine.

He doesn't come home as he chooses the pub.

He'd see his wife if he decided to come home like a normal committed father.

Seriously ... the bullshit here.

@SAHMworry in general terms, I think you probably need to re-evaluate how this relationship is going to work with the addition of a baby; it's not feasible for one person to just continue their old lifestyle like nothing's changed and your DH is missing out on valuable bonding opportunities with his child. He needs some time with his child and you need some time to yourself.

In the specific situation of your DH looking after your DC at the same time as getting ready for work so you can do exercise classes, though, I do think YABU a bit. Your DH looking after a baby while also getting himself ready is an added stress factor, can lead to vomit/spit/etc stains that he might not have time to change out of, etc. If he has a high-pressure job, he may well need time and brain-space in the mornings to get "in the zone" or end up feeling thrown off his game for the day.

It's not essential to do those specific classes at those specific times - could you find alternatives until they become a feasible option? Maybe a regular evening class so you can train your DH on the bedtime routine and he can get some time with DC in the evenings. If you feel your DC is too young for a gym creche, could you add in a buggy fitness class or an 'exercise with baby' class? You could also add in brisk morning walks with your DC.

I completely agree. The replies are skewed in favour of the DH because of his salary. No recognition whatsoever that he is currently able to continue working his job as usual with a 5 month old because his DW is a SAHP.

I say this as the one in my relationship who earns the substantial salary (not quite £250k but close enough) - earning lots of money does not give you the right to opt out of parenting or your marriage. OP being the SAHP does not mean that she should be solely responsible for everything child related as that would mean she is effectively a single parent.

OP I think it’s fair to say that most marriages suffer in the first years of a child’s life but if you feel that your marriage is still suffering once your DC is a bit older I would consider couples counselling. The danger is of course that you begin to resent him as a result of his minimal input into family life and the marriage cannot be saved.

@DanceMonster I'm a SAHM my husband works long shifts he has since my children were born I was on my own from 6 15 in the morning til 7 in the evening every time and if I was lucky he'd get in maybe 6 45 just as I was bathing the baby and getting them to bed . I did all the night feeds every single 1 for each child so he could sleep otherwise he'd be totally fucked he works a physical job .

When the babies were asleep I came down and spent time with him even if I was knackered I made time for him because there needed to be a relationship when our kids grew up so yes I think the ops husband deserves some company

Sounds like you and he had a good chat given you know how desperate he is to be with his child that op is keeping from him 🙄

He's not home at a normal time because he's home AFTER the pub. He could be home for 6.30 and see his child, bath him or feed him or do bedtime or wash up whilst op does it. But then he'd have to actively engage wouldn't he?

7.30 is a perfectly normal bedtime for the child. When he's at nursery In a few years, it will be earlier still and he'll likely still be prioritising his freedom

Yes they are. Some people have no choice

'Some' people, sure. But they are very much in the minority. And not for 40 hours a week.

I went back to work, out of necessity, when my 2nd child was 7 weeks old. I was able to do some work from home (academic) and minimised the time away from them but it was v v hard. I officially was working c18 hours - in reality it was more.

No way could I have done 40 hours a week.

And while 5 months is older, it's still not the norm for most mothers to go back to full-time work, necessitating full time childcare at that point.

Sorry but this is such a first world problem. Yeah it sounds lonely to both you and your partner- you having to do all childcare and him-having to earn 250k to provide BUT you are in a privileged position and have options to make this better. From the top of my head the options are:

1. He slows down and makes less money, if your outgoings allow for a lesser income. Then he'll have more time for you both.
2. If your outgoings are so high you still need the 250k income then he slows down and you take a part time job that makes up for the amount he is losing at (say 50k)...
3. Use his current high income to hire an assistant to help him with some of his work so he has more free time with you.
4. Use the high income so you can put your baby in nursery so you can do your PT sessions, and maybe at night time so you can go out together.

You really need to sit down with him and discuss what works better for both of you and the baby.

Sounds like it to me. 7.30 isn't even that late. Pretty normal time to be home.

Well good for you. Have your medal.
My husband is a high earner. He came home straight from work every evening so he could put his baby to bed. He helped with the night shifts when I was exhausted. He didn’t expect anything of me when our babies were tiny other than that I kept them and myself alive. He certainly wouldn’t have expected me to stay up to keep him company when I was shattered and needed some sleep.

So her husband having company matters more than safe sleep guidelines and their child's welfare?
Why not just pop him to bed and head out to the pub for a few hours together eh??

If he came home AFTER WORK he'd see them and maybe they could find a routine that works for them all

This!! OP you sound entitled and like you’ve lost a sense of reality.

But he could be home even earlier if he didn’t go to the pub.

How long does it take this man to get ready in the mornings?

I do my hair, face of make up and into a suit every morning with three children following me around, competing for my attention and aiming for my white blouse with their breakfast covered hands.

This baby can't even crawl- what is stopping DH from having a shower, brushing his teeth and throwing a suit on in the baby's presence while OP is at the gym?

She says she's back 10 minutes before he needs to leave as well.

He needs to take one for the team.

There's a lot going on here. My first thought it that you urgently need to spend some quality time together. Stop going to bed at 7pm with DC and wait up for your DH. Make some effort, it will only get harder as they get older and it's a cliche but it does take effort to maintain the relationship.

Secondly, reschedule your gym sessions some time between 9am-5pm. Find a gym with a creche for DC.

I'm a SAHM my husband works long shifts

I did all the night feeds every single 1 for each child so he could sleep otherwise he'd be totally fucked he works a physical job .

And this is the difference.

I don't know what OP's H does. But yours worked long shifts in a physical role. He had to do this. OP's H does not work just long hours - he also goes to the pub very regularly when he could come home.

Get a nanny or an au pair or qualified babysitter. You have the means to pay for help, so do it. Don't make yourself a martyr. What's the point in all that money if it's not making your lives easier.

Putting your needs for company over your child's wellbeing if the epitome of selfish. I know who'd I'd prefer to be second wife to our of these two men!

Good to hear your perspective @DanceMonster and confirmation that some husbands and partners are decent and committed and not expecting some kind of pass from life just because they earn a high salary.

I'm aghast at the excuses some posters keep offering for this man's inability to be a decent human.

This thread is some weird 1950s throwback

Let's leave op out of the scenario.

Baby goes to bed at 7.30. Totally normal bedtime for a young child and likely to stay that way for several years yet.

If husband wants to spend time with baby, and also is working/in pub til 7/8pm he can't spend time with the baby in the evening. Therefore he cam only do it before work.

If that's the case it shouldn't matter if op goes to the gym at that time - in fact it's better as it'll give husband the chance to be fully incharge of the baby.

He doesn't want to and is projecting onto op so she stops asking him.

Just because he's rich doesn't make op a slave.

If I knew my wife would be in bed by 7pm with the baby I'd go to the pub too.