SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Given that he could come home on time so she could work out then, but he chooses not to, it doesn't seem he is interested in helping.

@Blossomtoes

The baby is 5 months old- lots of people wouldn't feel comfortable leaving their five month old in a crèche.

The baby has a perfectly fit other parent, who doesn't work insane hours at all. It's only a long day because he's tacking a drinking session at the pub onto it.

He should give up his daily alcohol habit, bond with his baby and free his wife up to have some time to herself.

The way people excuse mens behaviour just because they earn ok money...

He goes to work at a normal time and he comes home at a pretty normal time too, it’s not his fault the OP and baby go to bed at 7:30pm every day. He wants to have some time with the baby, just not before he goes to work every day when all Op is doing is going to the gym, which she could do at any time.

Why can’t he just look after his own child for a short burst every now and then?

The baby is 5 months old- lots of people wouldn't feel comfortable leaving their five month old in a crèche.

A lot of people are back at work by then with their baby in a nursery 40 hours a week.

He also apparently doesn’t want to spend time with the baby in the evening, which he could do if he came home straight from work instead of going to the pub. If he didn’t go to the pub, his baby would be awake when he got home.

I actually agree with your DH. He works such long hours and in order for you to go to the gym he has to be late for work or get up earlier. If your in charge of child care and have the money then use a crèche and go to the gym. He is also right you need more US time. Your DC is no longer a young baby and even if you paid someone once a week so you and your DH could unwind. Your DC I think should be in their own room now. You are not only a mum but a couple. Good luck

For about five minutes. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t want to spend time with him either - a grown woman going to bed at 7.00 every night.

@Highfivemum - the nhs disagrees with you. I personally think 5 months is a pretty young baby!

Your DC I think should be in their own room now

Youd better let the NHS know that that’s your opinion, so they can change their official safe sleeping guidelines.

@SAHMworry

Are you going to bed that early to avoid spending time with him?

In the space of 2 posts you’ve changed it from her going to bed at 7.30 to going to bed at 7 😂.
Honestly I give up. He chooses to spend his evenings in the pub instead of coming home to see his baby. If other women would be happy with that because £££, then that’s their lookout.

Maybe he is going to the pub to unwind after work because when he comes home his wife goes to bed the same time as the baby and he's left on his own the whole evening. The op says she goes to bed with baby so if he's home at 6 30 straight from work in that hour they get baby ready for bed and then that's it on your own all evening. I would hate that I'd honestly find it completely depressing.

Long time lurker here but felt compelled to post. Have been a SAHM since DD1 was born, 5 years ago (also have DD2, nearly 3). Partner earned 1/5 of what yours does when I was in the same situation with a 5 month old but the actual figure was irrelevant, he still was the only earner in the household and that’s a lot of pressure. And I was full time nanny / housekeeper etc and that was / is my job. You both have to respect each other for what you are contributing. He slept in the spare room most nights to function in the day. Big difference is he finished work and helped me, and took joy in spending time with us. Also we had a childminder 1 day a week so I could focus on me / get jobs done and do things like gym etc. I wouldn’t have expected him to give up his mornings that he needed to work. He now earns a LOT more and we still outsource some cleaning / childcare so there is a balance And downtime for both of us.

I cannot believe the number of posters justifying OP's H's behaviour on the ground of being a high-earner 😡

It's abhorrent. People still have a responsibility to their spouses & kids, regardless of income. There can be limitations imposed by work - but that can be any work, not a high-earning one necessarily.

I think you’re both being unreasonable. At 5 months I wouldn’t have used a nanny or a crèche with mine but also wouldn’t have expected
to get out to the gym as much as you are and getting your DH to do the mornings before work. There are lots of buggy boot camp classes around that you can do with the baby at that age.

I also don’t think you need to be going to bed at 7.30-8 every evening or you won’t need to be for much longer. Things do get better once you can put the baby down and have a nice evening as a couple. He could also try and get back to do a bed time or two and be more active during the weekend.

Your baby is still very young and you are both adjusting but you don’t sound that happy with your current life. You do need to have a good think about whether you might actually be happier not being a sahm later on despite your husband’s high earnings.

I think this probably plays a bug part in it all. Would you want to come home to an empty house every night? You walk in the door and your wife grabs the baby and heads off upstairs. It really isn't normal behaviour in a happy family.

Of course they aren't 🙄

🤦🏻‍♀️

Are you serious?

My income is tiny compared to this, but I am much happier than OP sounds.

Op has already said she thinks her 5 month old is too young to be left with a stranger, I don't think that's such an odd perspective given his age.

And he's perfectly able, like most women do, to get dressed ready whilst looking after a baby.

OP what time do you go to the gym? If you're leaving for the gym at say 6.30, home for 8 and he leave 8.10 then hi getting up at 6 gives him 2 hours to get him and baby up and ready
Presumably baby doesn't even need to be dressed as such, just clean and sainted.

Yes they are. Some people have no choice.

Given the family income I think it would be easy enough for you to get a membership at a gym which has a creche where you can leave your DC while you do your PT during the day. Not that I think it's very healthy for your DC to be barely seeing dad at all and if I were you I would be thinking that DH ought to treasure this tiny bit of 1:1 he gets with his child - but you can't force him to want what he doesn't want. If you are going to continue down this path of him being hyper-focussed on earning, and you being SAHM, then your exercise should take place during his working hours away from home and shouldn't affect him at all. But I wouldn't want either of these polarised roles myself, and much prefer a lifestyle where the balance between childcare and earning is spread more evenly between the two partners.

What job are you on mat leave from? What are your long term career plans?

Poor man, can’t have him feeling lonely in the evenings can we? He’s a high earner, he deserves sparkling company every evening to destress him.
Seriously. They’ve got a 5 month old baby. The OP is on her own with the baby all day every day. She does all the night shifts. Her husband doesn’t come home to help out with the bath/bed routine. She’s probably knackered. Maybe if he came home on time and took over with the baby, bathed it, put it to bed, she’d be more inclined to stay up later 🤷🏻‍♀️.