SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

@SleepingStandingUp My babies were completely safe in a cot with monitors that alarmed if they didn't breathe or move for a few seconds called angel care and I went in to check regular, so yes it's possible to not to have to go to bed when your baby does and go to another room .

Fucking hell, some of the responses on here, it’s not the 1950’s! What happened to women supporting women!

Earning a good salary and having a stay at home parent situation doesn’t mean you get to check out of parenting! He chose to be in this relationship and to have a child, therefore he needs to parent simple as that.

Op you probably do need to explore some childcare to give you the time you crave and also to enable you and your husband to spend some time together if indeed you do want to work on your relationship but you husband needs to be present for any of that to happen!

Great you've brought this insight to the thread - not one person has mentioned the creche-in-gym option so far 🤦🏻‍♀️

If my OH was going to bed at 7pm I wouldn't bother coming home from the pub either! What's the point, I'd rather do anything than sit home alone. You could start the ball rolling by inviting him to have dinner together with you one night at 8pm. 5 months is definitely old enough for the creche and the baby monitor.

This is a terrible set-up.

Why doesn’t this man want to see the baby he has made? He should come home straight after work and be a dad. My husband wouldn’t have thought of going to the pub so often with such a tiny baby.

And you must be firm and explain what most decent dads do.

Above all, I would plan a return to work, however much you earn. This man will not respect you, how much to do at home, or take responsibility for being a dad until you return to some paid work.

You are not in debt to this man because of his high salary. That doesn’t make him special.

You made the decision to disregard the NHS safe sleeping guidance… that’s up to you. Doesn’t mean all parents should.

Yes but it was a frustrating post and if they see more of us suggesting it, they might feel more confident doing it!

I cannot for the life of me work out why your husband wanted a baby. How sad for your little one that their own father has zero interest in them, that’s a little bit heart breaking to me.

I also can’t understand those calling you lucky! I can only assume that they are people who think having a rich husband is a life goal, whereas some of us value other things more highly.

I think you need to sit down together with a glass of wine and have a come to Jesus talk about how you can make your new dynamic work for both of you.

If the working parent in this thread earned £50k you could guarantee the responses would be different!!

So you think there’s a lot going on here and it’s all OP’s fault? I say that because your suggestions require OP to make changes but nothing of her DH …

My feeling is you're going to end up single. He will blame you for all the problems. Walk off into the sunset with the next model and make all the same mistakes again.

The upside to this is you will be fine. Child support will be generous enough so that you can go back to work and have your own career.

hmm you've put the dreaded 'SAHM' in 1st sentence so dinosaurs who define somebody only via whether they work outside the home and how much they earn, will say you're ungrateful and should be just fine via money alone, not wanting/needing time with your husband/relationship.

He's opting out of family life; at this rate your child will grow up not knowing him.

Still, he comes in too late and you go to bed too early. Can't you nap in the day sometimes? No babysitter ever for your child is a rod for your own back that you will regret creating. Talk to your husband see what transpires

Fab. You’ve invented the 7pm though. The Op said the baby is in bed for 7.30-8.

@EarringsandLipstick and @DanceMonster thank goodness you are here, honestly otherwise I would think I was either going mad or had gone back in time! I really really don’t understand why a grown man’s whims are more important than safe sleep guidance for a tiny baby!

Well yes, because it wouldn't be a given that they could afford extra help.

Or that OP could even afford her gym membership.

Or that she would have the luxury of being a SAHM, and might have to think about going back to work soon.

Well, of course, the position on MN is that any sahm is always in the wrong, but - putting aside your feelings on the matter - when is he ever going to spend any time with his kid on this schedule? Presumably he wanted some part in sharing some of his life with this child and not just the same house?

I also can’t understand those calling you lucky! I can only assume that they are people who think having a rich husband is a life goal, whereas some of us value other things more highly

👏

I think there's a few issues here partly your reluctance to create a life outside dc but mainly his total lack of desire to parent and view that this is your job. From a practical POV why don't you start doing evening classes - swop the morning class for an evening one and leave him to manage bedtime and actually spend some quality time with your dc. It will mean him getting him on time & foregoing pub but at least give you time outside of home and to exercise. I'd also recommend finding a babysitter and agreeing to even a once a month night out together. You need to prioritise your relationship too.

@DanceMonster Guidelines change so if the guidelines are now that you must stay in the same room as your sleeping baby then that's what they are . When I had my children it was that the baby be in the same room that we sleep in nit that you stayed next to them the whole time and didn't go downstairs.

This with brass balls on 🙄

I did vote yabu. You made the choice to stay at home and you are fortunate financially to be able to do so….I would have done the same.

However, there has got to be a bit of give and take, you need to put baby down in the evenings now and use a monitor, it’s only another few weeks till they can go in their own room .

I can see why your dh has no reason to rush home if both you and baby are in bed, it’s too easy for him to stay out. Start looking for a reliable babysitter, you need to invest time in your relationship too, so the occasional early meal out together. If he works all the hours under the sun, then you look after house and baby, that’s kind of the deal. Make time for each other too. Could you maybe find a childminder a couple of mornings a week for you to go to the gym ? Some exercise classes involve baby too, you will meet mums in a similar situation. He could come home early a couple of times a week for you to go to a gym. I might sound like a 50’s housewife here, but make him want to come home early, knowing once baby is in bed you will have a nice meal and time together.

I think it’s ok she a baby is 5 months to be reluctant to have a life away from them!! Maybe if they were 15 fine, but I hated anyone pressuring me to be away from my baby at that age. There comes a point when yes, it’s important to be you again and not just mum, but it’s very normal for that not to be when the bay is so tiny.
( Also ok to be apart if you are happy to- no judgement but hate this pressure on mums to get back out there before they are ready)

Agree with other posters:
Find a gym with a Creche
Find an evening class at the gym so he has to do bedtime once a week
Find a babysitter for nights out together

The baby is 5 months old. Still tiny. Yes, when you have tiny babies your evenings/weekends don’t look exactly how you want them. You don’t have much chance for alone time. But that changes as they get older.
My eldest is 9 now, my youngest 4. We now have plenty of time and energy to do nice things together in the evenings.
Our marriage is all the stronger because when our babies were tiny we pulled together. For those initial months, the baby and the recovering mother came first.

I think you've both lost sight that you are a couple. A couple with a baby. I think the salary is a red herring, you both sound stressed but @SAHMworry you have focused on what you expect him to do without listening to what he wants
Get a babysitter, for a few hours every week during the day, go to the gym then
You both need to start properly listening to each other not just hearing the words because if you don't you it's going to get a lot harder