SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I think it is unfair of you to expect you H to look after your child whilst you do a gym session before a long day at work.

Join a gym with a creche, David lloyd accept babies from 4 months I think, or leave baby with a babysitter.

Your H absolutely should join in with parenting on the weekends. Why don't you start organising to see friends at the weekend and them for a few hours each weekend your husband can have some 1 on 1 time with baby.

You both need to start prioritising your marriage. Get a babysitter and go our for dinner once a week. You can afford it!

This. I’d be feeling used and rejected if I were him.

I’ve totally missed the point of this thread by being utterly astounded that anyone would think being out of the house at 7:30-8 and being done by around 6:30pm then off down the pub are long working hours.

What is his job and how do I apply

Also to the people saying she should let him look after the baby more… isn’t that what she’s doing in the mornings when she goes to the gym?

You are both BU.

Negotiate he does bedtime one night a week and you go out. And vice versa. The other nights you spend time together in the evening when baby is asleep, he can join in with bath time or read a story if he’s back

Start using a PT nanny when you’re there until you’re happy to leave them alone, then commit to a weekly date night. You will also then be able to spend some evening time together as you can have a nap in the day when the nanny is there to catch up on sleep and not need to go to bed quite so early

Book some family weekend breaks, and when you are more confident with the nanny and DC is older an odd night away

Outsource as much as possible at home

Don’t be a martyr- your DH is being a bit of a twat but you do also seem to be getting tunnel vision with the baby. It’s hard, but it’s honestly healthier for everyone if you can avoid that mindset

Honestly the things women will excuse men for just because they happen to earn a decent wage 😏.

Curious how he has to sleep in the spare room because he must be completely mentally sharp for work.

But no concerns about having multiple alcoholic drinks on a daily basis and how that might impact his cognitive functioning.

He might have more energy to pay attention to his family if he gave up drinking for a month.

She picked him, you know.

Why wouldn’t you leave the child with DH?

If he didn’t drink he’d also find it easier to get up early in the morning, therefore he’d be able to get ready for work before OP goes to the gym. Win win!

Sadly you often don’t know they’re going to be completely disinterested parents until you have a child.

Alot of posters saying he's a disinterested dad , if he was so completely disinterested he would not be offering to look after the baby whilst op went out or went to the gym . The problem is when she wants to go the gym

Given what a high family income there is, can’t you pay for a nanny/babysitter while you go to the gym and to give you some time off in the week?

I agree with this. So many people rushing to post on a longish thread without reading all the OP's posts first.

If my dh was working as much as that I wouldn’t expect him to take on household responsibilities if I wasn’t working at all

She isn’t asking for him to help with chores, she wants him to parent his child.

Equally, if he was interested in his child he’d come home from work in the evening before bedtime, instead of going to the pub.

If my DH asked me to get up early to facilitate a hobby that he could do perfectly well at another time, then my answer would be quite short.
And it wouldn't be "yes of course dear".

When choosing between a solution that inconveniences one parent and a solution that inconveniences neither, why would you choose to pick the most awkward one?

Get some babysitting help that would make you happier and help him hopefully things will improve from there . I know these men with pressurised high earning jobs and trust me it can be very stressfull as they never switch off . Drugs and alcohol can be a sort of relief although not a good one . There’s plenty of working mums who down large glasses of wine at end of day .

And well done you being at home to look after your child . Children under three need to be at home with mums or carer or good childminder and not placed in nurserys for 8 hours plus where cortisol levels stay high all day in their brains.

Get a trusted babysitter. Life changing if you haven't got family nearby. And book a weekly night out with your DH. You need to keep an adult relationship going.

You are very fortunate. I think it’s a bad idea to insist your £250k+ earning husband has to look after your child before work while you work out. You need to find a way to work out while he is at work eg crèche, buggy fitness group, etc. If you want to be SAHM, you need to let him focus on his career. Having a one year old is frankly hard work and you just need to accept it’s going to be tough going for a while.

What other time does the OP have to work out? She is taking care of his child all the time, and he goes to the pub after work.

sounds like you need some sort of nanny or au pair type help, even if part time. Then you need to chat to your DH to ask him to commit X nights per week to being home on time / going out together with you etc. Some sort of schedule to maintain. If he's drinking too much that could be something he needs to work on, maybe get therapy for.

All day. Every day. She needs to leave her PFB in a crèche like everyone else.

Getting up half an hour earlier than normal is hardly an inconvenience 🙄. Come on. He gets a full nights sleep in the spare room. There is obviously a reason the OP wants to go to the gym at that time. She’s hardly asking him for the earth, just one thing. Thankfully I know my DH would facilitate this, as I would for him. Not a massive ask for the person you love.
Honestly reading this thread I’m just glad I married a man who doesn’t think that him earning a decent wage doesn’t mean the world revolves around him, and doesn’t think he shouldn’t be inconvenienced by his child in any way. I’m also glad he actively wanted to spend time with the children he actively wanted and was 50% responsible for creating.

When he gets home? (even on pub days he's home by 7.30pm)
Or while he's at work by using some form of childcare as suggested multiple times on this thread?
Or at weekends?

If it were literally the only option I would agree with you. But it really isn't.