SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Your advice seems to be put up, shut up and open your legs. I genuinely would rather be broke. If he did leave presumably OP would be entitled to a fair chunk of the house, his pension and decent maintenance.

I think you've got bigger problems than the gym. I think your marriage is falling apart around your ears and as a stay at home mum you are leaving yourself so incredibly vulnerable.

You aren't describing a relationship or a marriage. You BOTH need to start prioritising your marriage and your relationship or you're going to end in divorce. What that means is you need to both be involved in each other's lives. He needs to do some parenting. You both need to have a drink downstairs together and chat. You need to stay up in the evening to see your DH before bed to have supper and a glass of wine and whatever else it is you enjoy. You need to get a babysitter once a week and go out together.

If you end up divorced you will be in such a terrible position financially given he's such a high earner. Don't let your marriage fall apart due to total lack of action on both sides.

(As a side note yes of course you should be allowed to go the gym but tbh I think the issues there have arisen because you don't communicate or support each other and because he's clueless about how to look after his own children)

She meant financially privileged.

American statutory maternity leave is 10 weeks. The UK has one of the most generous maternity leave allowances in the world.
The UK is 4th on the world list for the country that offers the most maternity leave in weeks for new mums.
I don't agree that MN is against SAHMs. I think that the majority of posters are SAHMs or part time workers because they are the ones who have the time to post so much.
I think the OP ( I think she may have gone) needs to decide if she wants her marriage to succeed and her husband to be allowed to look after his child on his own. She may decide on divorce and shared custody which isn't really in anyone's best interest. However she can decide.
I grew up in a large family with a Dad in the Royal Navy and he was away at sea a lot. My mother coped on her own without family around. Loads of single parents, service families and those women who are nurses or have other demanding jobs, cope on their own.
The OP bottle feeds from the sound of it so she can leave her husband and child at the weekend for a morning or afternoon but presumably she chooses not to do so and she would rather turn 'cold' against her husband. The OP can choose what she wants to do. It doesn't sound healthy to me.

Why are people saying the OP is lucky? Her child has a disinterested dad. All the money in the world is nice, but seeing the person who fathered your child do anything other than want to spend time with them must be awful.

If she died her husband would actually have to start coming home in the evenings to put his baby to bed instead of choosing to go to the pub every night instead.

You should be able to go to your PT classes if better organisation would mean that DH could be at work on time.

He should be able to go to the pub once or twice a week.

Your husband has made suggestions about how to improve the relationship and how to have more time together and you for whatever reason are resisting this. A compromise might need to be found as you do seem quite unbending with how you think DC should be raised. This could also cause DH to disengage as he feels his opinions I.e. DC being in own room, are not valuable

Totally agree with this.

The fact he's never at home is entirely of his own making.

I’m not suggesting she just rocks up and leaves the child. Normally you’d go and spend a bit of time in the crèche first. Like you would a nursery settling in session.
Gym crèches are fully used to looking after young babies and children. That’s the entire purpose of them.
She wants to go to the gym. Gyms with a crèche exist for the purpose of mums with children to use. She has plenty of money to pay for it so that’s what she should do rather than expecting her husband to look after the child while also trying to get ready for his busy and no doubt stressful job

I think there’s some very good balanced advice on this thread. Op I also just want to tell you that the first few years of parenting everyone is generally wrecked and bitter and snarky, because you’re sleep deprived and the person out the most thinks you don’t appreciate that you get to be at home while they’re making the money (I don’t agree with that being what it is but we have 4 and year one both when I was working and not was a battlefield!) and you see them getting to have what you want most- time, peace and a break . best of luck with it all, I hope you both figure it out

Absolutely shocking advice on here. Because he earns loads she shouldn't do anything for herself 🤣😲 and ignore the fact he does fuck all for the child. How bloody ridiculous.

He doesn't rule the household. It should be a 'team' and it clearly isn't.

Op can do things for herself but chooses not to?

No he wouldn’t, he’d have a nanny.

Sorry but he’s actively said you should use babysitters (with the ample money that’s coming in) - so why don’t you?

Whats the martyrdom about? Child sleeps in their own room, like the zillions of nearly 1 year olds, so you get evenings to yourself, use babysitters liberally out of the fabulous pay to arrange regular date nights, or even gym sessions for yourself. Get a nanny for a day or two a week to feel human again?

Fair point.

Could you have a personal trainer come to your house? Or I went to some mum and baby fitness groups which were really good.
Maybe you could jog with the pram? I found walking miles each day with the pram good exercise.
I think given the deal you and DH have you need to respect his need to be at work on time. If he loses his job you're all in a tricky situation.

Mine works similar hours, goes off to gigs and the cinema whenever he likes, I look after the kids and work full time, and he brings home less than £20k.... 😕

The baby is 5 months old.
There’s a really handy feature on here that where you can see all of the OP’s posts with one click. It means you don’t have to trawl through the whole thread but still have the relevant information to be able to make a useful comment.

Why do you put up with that?

I think you both need to put effort into your marriage, in your original post you said you spoke to him about the being late after work and he started coming home on time ,it lasted a week and he was back to being late again. In that week what did you do differently? Did you come down when baby was asleep and spend some time with him or did you still go bed when the baby did ? If you changed nothing I can see why he went back to his old ways it needs you both to meet in the middle.

You mention you have started feeling cold towards him and he's picking up on it ,you don't sleep in the same room and you've not had sex since the baby was born . If you love him and want the marriage to survive then you'll need to get some intimacy back doesn't have to be sex .

My dh works long hours out at 6 15 am and home at 7 and when ours were babies he didn't get to see them much on his work days even if he got home early he'd usually leave the bedtime routine to me , it wasn't a case of he had no interest in doing anything for his children he was worried about ruining the routine that they were used to and them not settling as well as they would if I did it . When they were a little older he used to do lots more at bed time so I think that will improve in time with your baby .

I also think you need some baby free time. Surely you have the money for some support? If there's no family a part time nanny? Or you could go back to work (not meant in a bad way but as others have said it can help).

It's tough, as he clearly doesn't infancy as much as you do. Many men don't find children engaging until they're older.

With a salary of £250k, you should easily be able to afford a part time nanny to allow you to both focus on maintaining your relationship. From there, perhaps organising weekend family time is best.

Do his friends have children as well?

You are making things so much harder than they need to be. Your DH is in a high flying job. You knew this. You chose to have a child with him. That job hasn't changed. You won't be away from your child, use a babysitter/creche. You don't need to make things this hard. Just use some of that millions to make your life as comfortable as you want it. You have many many choices.

You DH should want to see you both. No excusing that.

But if I was coming home to a house where everyone was in bed I'd go the pub as well!! Compromises are needed.

Really? At 5 months old, I'd regard having time for evening meals out, sex, normal sleeping habits, and leaving a 5 month old with paid childcare as unusual.

I'm not making a judgement about whether those things are good or bad, but I definitely would say they're unusual in my experience.

@DanceMonster I've normalised it. Like everything else.