SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

A senior manager on £250k isn’t going to lose their job over being 5 mins ‘late’ in the morning. The vast majority of people on that salary can arrange their own diaries to their convenience.

Senior managers at my workplace are expected to attend a daily morning briefing. It's early so it doesn't affect anyone's plans for the day and can't be moved at the whim of a single manager.
No, they won't lose their jobs if they are consistently late/miss this meeting. But it will definitely call their credibility into question.

It sounds like your DH works very long hours so also having the child in the morning is a lot for him. I think his reluctance to get involved with the child as well could be lack of confidence although I doubt he’s admit this so maybe just try coaxing him slowly into helping etc. The pub thing I think could be a reaction to the massive change in both of your lives in terms of having a child. And again he may just not know what to do. If this were my husband I’d just have a really open conversation with him and maybe come from the viewpoint of concern for him etc. so it’s quite soft and he may be more likely to open up. But the way I read this is that you’re both mentally struggling with having a baby which is totally normal and it would be good to just talk honestly to each other. This is what my husband and I do.

Given the household income can you not afford a childminder/nursery a few days a week so you can go to the gym then?

I think some of these things are completely different issues.

With the gym classes and making him late for work, that does feel a bit like you have unrealistic expectations of what maternity leave is like for most of us - it’s a full time job! I would have killed to be having “me” time and going to gym classes in the mornings at 5 months pp, but it’s not really feasible until they are in some form of childcare. And it’s not sustainable for your husband to be that childcare service on top of his full time job.

With regard to going on dates, I completely understand you not wanting childcare for that yet. I didn’t leave my baby with anyone at 5 months - they still needed constant feedings and rocking to sleep at that point, and wouldn’t settle with anyone but me.

Honestly? I think both of these issues will simply resolve with time. In a few months your DC will be old enough for childcare, so you’ll be able to go on dates now and then, AND workout when you need to.

However - on the issue of him not being particularly involved or interested in your DC, that’s really sad and it’s hard to know what the cause of it is. But hopefully, once you’ve gained some time back with childcare and are dating again here and there, he’ll be in a better state of mind and more interested in family time.

no because she has choice . A lot of women would love the choice to be a SAHM but can’t afford to.

she can afford help as well if she needs it .

its early days but they just need to communicate and get the balance right .

If you want more 50/50 you have to take a hit finances wise, let your husband step down, scale back his hours and also you go back to work so you are on a level playing field hours worked (even if you earn a fraction he does). Your husband is working silly hours to bring home his high wage, you effectively want it both ways, you probably like the lifestyle you're in, but you want your husband to be present more and do his share with you child. Why should he? You are a lady of leisure, don't actually have to be anywhere and are effectively living a lovely life not having to get up and go to work, meanwhile your husband is flogging his guts out 12 hours a day.

Given your income there's nothing to stop you hiring a nanny, then you really will be the lady of leisure you want to be, someone else has your child and you can gym and lunch all day long.

Yes you are being unreasonable. I was in your privileged position when my first baby was born. I wouldn't have ever entertained what you are doing.

What I did was research highly recommended child minders locally. I booked my baby to be looked after for a few hours once or twice a week so I could use the spa.

You husband working these hours needs to feel supported. There is no excuse not to outsource the help you need with the levels of outcome you have.

Your current system will put great strain on your relationship.

People think the OP is lucky as DH doesn't seem to fit in round family life. I would rather rather have less money and an involved dad. How shallow are so many posters? Suggesting she buys in childcare when actually her DH could step up more.

I'm surprised by DH's hours, as he seems to get away with short hours during the week for such a high paying job, then has to be on the phone at the weekend

Then we cut to your other solution, which is that he gets up half an hour earlier so he gets ready then. Although there’s obviously going to be an excuse for that one too 🙄. Big man needs sleep, for example.

*our other solution, not your

And to his salary?

Only read the OP's posts.

I am wondering what's the point of him having the la de da high earning job if he has no home or family life? You are essentially living together but apart.
Is this what he wants?

Thankfully I didn’t marry my husband for his salary, and therefore wouldn’t stay with him for it either.

I am really shocked with some of these replies - imagine if this is the WOMAN/MOTHER earning high salary and behaving like this how much criticism she would get! No money will buy the precious time you have with your children as they are only young once and you can earn money any time of your life. What money can buy is some convenience aka a paid nanny to look after your children while you do other things. Also, not every 250K job needs you to be on time everyday in fact most of the senior positions have the flexibility as long as your performance is good. My husband and I both have very stressful jobs runs very large teams NEITHER of us needs to follow a strict schedule and a lot can be done from home, just with late hours.

It's tough to be doing 95% of the parenting on your own.

I would be getting some regular childcare so that you can have a break and recharge and also have some me time. I'd also be spending some time with my husband, have a regular date night once or twice a week and use a babysitter. Perhaps a part time nanny at your house would be a way forward. You have money to address your problems so I would be using it to do that.

Things will change anyway as your child gets older and you will probably feel increasingly relaxed about leaving them with other people. Some dads are more interested in older children than in babies.

"Flogging his guts out"
I work as many hours as it says in the OP for a fraction of that pay AND manage to be around for my dc when I'm home.

Absolutely pathetic what some women will put up with for money. And I’m not talking about the OP, who with a 5 month old baby rightfully expects a more involved father. Can’t believe I’m reading these excuses in 2023

Very shallow attitude @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

100% agree.

I don't think YABU at all. Just because he's a high earner doesn't mean you should be grateful for never seeing your husband and your husband never seeing his kid.

You could go in the evening if he didn't go to the pub instead of coming home to see his family.

To be frank on this income I would be looking to put baby in nursery/childminder a couple of mornings a week and go to gym then- the solution is often to throw money at the issue. I agree the logical solution would be your H to be home earlier and take over but if that isn't going to happen then put in a solution that can work - even if it costs- and if he moans about cost - tell him if he's home on time you can go in an evening and he can take over at home

1. use a baby monitor and spend some time with him.
2. Use a childminder a couple times a week and do your classes then, or find a gym with a creche.
3. Hire a babysitter and go out with him on a Friday night or whenever.

You are making things harder than they need to be. Make some changes.

I was attached at the hip with both of my kids but not having sex for 5 months isn't great.

Your DC will benefit tremendously from seeing a happy, loving stable relationship so try to prioritise your marriage along with your baby. I wouldn't move the baby out at 5 months yet either.

However, why would your DP rush home if even when does, he doesn't see you anyway as you are doing bedtime and then going to bed!

You need to figure out a way to invest some time and energy in yourself and in your relationship as having kids is a long game.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, but I don't see your husband changing drastically either.
I think you could be digging yourself into a bit of a hole though. I know I was like yourself when I had my first DC. I didn't want to leave my child, I didn't have family nearby, so never even really had someone else to interact with him, we slept together and spent every waking moment together.
You end up in a situation where noone knows your child/your child doesn't know anyone else well enough to just step in at short notice or even just to give yourself a break.
I think the best thing you could do is get yourself a childminder, someone who's only looking for a few hours work here and there, maybe someone with small children who your child would look forward to seeing. Then you could meet your DH for a drink now and then, do classes that you enjoy and have a little more balance .

So if you die or get sick op
Who takes care of the baby?

Buy in childcare so you can go to gym

Leave baby with him on a weekend and do stuff together

I hooe you buy in cleaners etc

I was in your privileged position when my first baby was born.

I don't think OP's partner being out of the home 12 hrs a day in order to earn this high salary puts her in a privileged position.
I would regard a lower salary and better family life as a privilege.