SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I'd start small and get him involved in just one thing. It sound like he needs to connect with his own child. He's probably scared of looking after his baby because he's never done it. Can you get him to help you with bath time on Sundays. Show him by example how to do it - he might not want instructions.

I was a SAHM with a husband that worked long hours and no family nearby. You have to take your me time where you can get it. Find activities where there's an onsite creche. Get out and meet other mums - you may get some childcare exchange going within a new circle of friends. Go out one evening a week with your old friends - he's prepared to pay a babysitter even though he's home himself anyway so your baby will be well looked after.

Get a nanny. You could easily afford one, no I don't think he should be doing childcare in the mornings. There is absolutely no need to in your circumstances.

I’m another vote for you are very lucky. Most of us get no/very little help without the very well off husband supporting us. You should just workout from home or in times that don’t affect your husband getting to work.

I work too. All my children went to nursery. But not at 5 months old when my husband, with a slight tweak to his routine (ie getting up a bit earlier) could look after the baby himself.
Then again, my DH actively enjoyed spending time with his babies and did anything he could to get more time with them.

If my dh was making that kind of money I'd be spending it on someone to look after children whilst I went to the gym, had some time out etc. I wouldn't put it on him, I'd buy in some help. Make that money work for you. If he doens't want you to spend family money on that then it's a whole different ball game but if you have free access to the family money then stop arguing and start spending.

How old is Dc? Newborn? Closer to 1? I can imagine never wanting to leave a newborn with someone who isn't family but if DC is closer to one it's time to let go a bit.

I think there are two issues here.

1. You don't get time to yourself
2. Dh doesn't spend time with his child

For issue 1 you could get a baby sitter, put dc in nursery for a couple of mornings a week or leave them at a gym crèche or something like that

However that doesn't solve issue 2. No matter how much dh earns he should spend some time with the child. If he does that while you are at the gym or otherwise it doesn't matter but he needs to make time for the baby.

So when talking to him I'd treat these two issues as separate because otherwise he won't understand why you can't just pay for childcare to go to the gym.

I think you both need a shake up. You need to give the baby time with their dad even if you don't want time away from the baby, it's important that dad gets one on one time without you hovering. I'd cut the going to bed in the early evenings too. Have dinner with your husband, connect, and talk about your days. I'd be put out if my dh was tootling off to bed at 7:30 every night leaving us with no time together.

He needs to start being around more.

Really? I got plenty of ‘help’ from my high earning husband (except we didn’t call it help because, you know, they’re his children too). He even (gasps) did plenty of night shifts with the babies when I was exhausted.

If he's providing 100 percent of a very high income, I sort of see his point. You're being fully supported in exchange for housework and childcare.

Refusing to leave the child & spend time with your husband is not going to work to your advantage in the long run. Bluntly, there are plenty of young women out there who WILL make time for a man with that earning power.

Why don't you get a sitter and meet him down the pub a few nights a week?

Agree with this.

Bluntly, there are plenty of young women out there who WILL make time for a man with that earning power

Bluntly, if I had a husband who would rather go to the pub than see his baby every night those other women would be welcome to him.

Do posters tell people to go back to work when they are only 5 months into maternity leave @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune? Should dads do nothing if a mum is on maternity leave?

The baby is very small.

He doesn't appear to have any interest in his child and is actually using alcohol to destress.

This is not a good road OP.

You both need to realise that pulling apart instead of together means that your relationship is heading into very choppy waters.

I think his drinking and late coming home is a huge problem.

I think you should be looking at a PT coming to the house.

I think you need to source excellent local childcare that you pay well, to give you some time to yourself, in the house to begin with, even for you to just nap.

I think the early morning gym session is not a good idea at the moment.

I would seriously consider some marriage counselling if you wish to remain together.

A little compromise on both sides will help.

A happy marriage means a happy home for your child.

His drinking appears at dangerous levels and that could really torpedo your life together.

He really needs to address that asap, and find another method to destress, as alcohol could completely derail your life together.

This.

And isn't it in your best interest he keeps his job?

I think you need to hash ou lt a compromise on the two issues (him getting home late and you doing gym).

Sounds like money isn’t really an issue. So ideally

• you’d find a trusted babysitter and book them for a few slots a week to get some gym time.
• Your DH would come home earlier and show more interest in the baby
• you’d go out for a date night a couple of times a month.

A senior manager on £250k isn’t going to lose their job over being 5 mins ‘late’ in the morning. The vast majority of people on that salary can arrange their own diaries to their convenience.
Plus he could just get up half an hour earlier and get ready before she goes to the gym. He has an uninterrupted nights sleep in the spare room after all.

PS you both have valid points here. He does need to embrace being a dad more and you do need to invest more time into your marriage.

This .

you need to make time for each other .

my mum always said that when we children grew up she would be left with dad and therefore their relationship was very important. They were married for over 70 years ( happily) .

i think you need to sit down and agree a better timetable. What would happen if you were 😷 and your OH could not cope ? It won’t be his fault if you won’t let him help ?

Whilst I think he's not being fair about coming home on time, not sure what that's all about only you would be able to fathom that out I think it is a bit much when you have all day to go to the gym to expect him to do the morning childcare. As others have said if he came home at a reasonable time you could hike out then and have some time to yourself.

Honestly I think a lot of women on here just see the £££ signs and think that means a man can do no wrong.

I think expecting him to give up his mornings before going to work is the only part YABU about. Having 10 minutes to get ready is pretty stressful. I really would press the issue that you’d like him home early so you can go to the gym then instead of the mornings.

I think you’re being selfish OP. Sounds like you’re spending the money as quickly as he’s earning it. You both need to sit down and sort priorities out as there is more to life than money.

@DanceMonster completely agree!

Honestly my husband knows he comes second to the kids! He has no issue, it’s the same for him and I love him all the more for it! It’s just for a few short years, and we both agree we will never look back and wish we had cuddled the kids less, and spent less time with them. We had plenty of couple time pre kids and we will get that back again. At 5 months I really struggled to be away from my babies, the only time I managed was when I left them with my husband as I felt more relaxed .

Those who are saying that a 'big' job equates to more flexibility/autonomy etc may be right, but those who are paying the big salary will still expect performance for it, and that will involve never being completely 'off' and/or inconvenient hours at times and will probably add up to work being a more or less constant presence in family life. This man already seems to be making the most of his seniority if those are the (weekday) hours he works for that salary.

OP, you and your husband seem to have expectations of each other that neither of you are prepared to fulfil. I do think it's an issue that you're reluctant to leave the baby with him except early in the mornings (arguably the worst possible time for them to spend time getting to know each other, so to speak) - could there be something in that about you unconsciously setting him up to fail? There seems to be a mutually reinforcing distancing in the disappearing off to the pub/to bed in the evenings. IIWY I would really be looking at getting a cot or similar for the downstairs space and having the baby down with you. I'm uncomfortable with the suggestions from PPs that you need to 'put more effort into your relationship' at the expense of the baby (sounds a bit too much like 'make Mr Big Job feel in no doubt that he still comes first'). Our way forward in this situation was to effectively all hang out together (we didn't subscribe to any notions of the sacred bedtime routine at this age tbf).

Absolutely same.