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AIBU?

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Original poster

Text to husband

237 replies

PEEDOFFFACE · 17/03/2023 03:08

I trust my husband however I'm really peeved that his work colleague friend sent him texts saying she keeps randomly wanting to hug him because he's so hugable.
She also texted to say he's looking gorgeous in his suit . She is married tho be it unhappily. I understand harmless flirting but feel this is a bit much. Is that normal behaviour?!? I've not met her and can't work out if I'm just being crazy and paranoid.

I think it doesn't help at his previous job there was a weirdo that kept emailing him after work saying she couldn't stop thinking about him( he showed me the email) and she only stopped when he reported it. And she bumped into me in the street when I was with him, was really nice and I thought I had misjudged her, but then she went back to the office and said" wasn't it awkward meeting your wife"

Am I a crazy needy person. Heelllppp

OP posts:
Jillybloop393 · 19/03/2023 02:12

I'd be worried, tbh. She's out of line .... but he's encouraging/allowing her to do it.

barmycatmum · 19/03/2023 02:43

Flyinggeesei234 · 17/03/2023 08:59

You’re not serious?!

Show quote history

No, not really, but I AM a very forthright person, and I wouldn’t passively wring my hands about something like this.
What I would truly do is as follows: ask my husband how he means to shut this down, because I won’t stand for it. I would further say he needs to have stronger boundaries, and I’d offer to help him come up with stock replies to flirtatious crap like this.

this is, actually, sexual harassment, and if she were a man, she’d likely have been reported already.

my comment seems to have offended quite a few! 😂
don’t worry - I wasn’t serious.

I do sometimes get absolutely fed up with people who seem terrified to have a conversation with their husband.

being passive isn’t the answer here.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/03/2023 03:36

Your husband needs to deal with this stuff - tell the sender to stop, that it's inappropriate and stop telling you as it's upsetting you.

You may trust him but it's coming across as if he is enjoying the attention.

Loubelou14 · 19/03/2023 07:15

I would be careful. My exH used to receive texts like this from someone who was unhappy in her marriage. It's crossing the line. He needs to be firm. My exH is now with the woman who texted him.

Heyhoitsme · 19/03/2023 08:50

How about texting her and asking for her husband's number. Tell her you want to start sending him texts so he's not left out.

Eowyn78 · 19/03/2023 09:43

Keep him the hell away from that whore. Work on strengthening your relationship with him, so his eyes don't wander. Be sexy and romantic with your husband. Go on a holiday together. Protect your marriage at all costs!

Sunaksservant · 19/03/2023 10:06

You don't need to worry. So your fella has swagger! Well done you! Now trust him that he can handle it. Anything less would be insulting to him and you.

So he's flattered. It just means he isn't arrogant enough to think he deserves the compliments. His coquette will grow bored and turn her attentions to another soon enough.

Does he know when he is on the receiving end of sexual harassment in the work place? How would he deal with it at work if a complaint was made?

DrManhattan · 19/03/2023 10:59

@Eowyn78 please tell me that was sarcasm!

Mrsgreen100 · 19/03/2023 11:26

If you trust him, seems you won’t be snooping in the first place,
my ex used to do stuff like this , I just didn’t see the mountain of red flags .
once he came home and said he had had a coffee with a woman he was working with ,
I said I wasn’t comfortable with that.
he actually seemed to enjoy my discomfort.
so wish I hadn’t listened to him explain things away for years .
first I would ask “oh can I use your phone mines dead etc etc “
his reaction will be telling.
snoop, and keep snooping ,be on this it sounds very worrying tbh
sorry for you it’s horrible .

Eowyn78 · 19/03/2023 14:13

DrManhattan · 19/03/2023 10:59

@Eowyn78 please tell me that was sarcasm!

Nope. I speak from experience. Heartbreaking, soul-destroying experience. If you care about your marriage, fight for it. That means distancing yourself from anyone who may get in the way.

DrManhattan · 19/03/2023 14:19

@Eowyn78 but how can you fight for it when the husband is the problem? He could shut this down. If he loved his wife he wouldn't entertain this for a second.

TaTa88 · 19/03/2023 14:24

PEEDOFFFACE · 17/03/2023 03:24

They weren't really flirty back. Just something like " you do say I'm hugable" and he just laughed at the other. So I don't think he's leading her on. I'm just pissed off at her. He wants us all to meet up with her kids but I don't want to meet her. He has regular work nights out and they are all going( not just them) for a night in a hotel soon.

Oh this would make me sick knowing they’re in a hotel together given what she’s saying to him. I don’t know your DH, so I’ll take your word that he’s trustworthy! He’s not shitting it down though, at all

Eowyn78 · 19/03/2023 14:30

Challenge him, and turn his gaze from her, and slap her in the face. Well maybe not the last thing, but I have no respect for men or women who flirt with someone they know is married. Too many people have ruined marriages this way. Better to leave a job, than to risk destroying one's own marriage imo.

DrManhattan · 19/03/2023 14:33

@Eowyn78 spectacularly missing the point. Why should anyone need to turn his gaze? He shouldn't be looking or even want to look in the first place. This is a husband problem not another woman problem.

Greenshed · 19/03/2023 14:35

My question is this (& has prob already been asked, but I’m not ploughing through 9 pages)- what the heck is she doing with your DH private phone no? He must have given it to her, surely. I think his behaviour seems as bad as hers, to be honest. Why would a man married to someone else start giving his number to another woman and presumably answer her texts? Where’s his loyalty to you? 🚩 definitely. He doesn’t seem to want to give her the big heave ho, that’s for sure.

Eowyn78 · 19/03/2023 14:46

It is the husband's problem. But if the wife doesn't do anything he will think it is okay to flirt with colleagues. I'm not saying it is fair. I am not saying it is right. But if you want your marriage to work you have to do everything to protect it, and then even if he ends up being unfaithful (which is utterly heart-breaking for his wife) then at least the wife knows she did everything in her power to protect her marriage. It's a small consolation, but when one has been utterly betrayed, having a clear conscious can help with the healing process. I speak from experience here.

DrManhattan · 19/03/2023 15:07

@Eowyn78 I don't think it's that simple as fighting for it. You can fight as much as you want but if his head has already been turned you just end up embarrassing yourself being a pick me. I would not fight for someone who didn't want me or value our relationship less than a text message from some random.

Eowyn78 · 19/03/2023 15:30

If you're the wife, he made a commitment to you. It's worth reminding him of that. Some marriages have turned around for the better when the wife has turned her husband's gaze back on her and taken action against any competition. It shows the husband that she still cares about him. That can be very attractive.

Why are people unfaithful? Because someone else has offered something they perceive is better. That other person may be speaking his love language, making him feel desired/wanted/needed. If his spouse is doing this then his eyes won't wander.

Alas, many marriages fail, but I think if one knows they did their utmost to salvage it, they played every card and it still didn't work, then their conscious is clear. It will be for the unfaithful partner to deal with the guilt and sin of not remaining faithful. And that's a horrible feeling to deal with.

CelestiaNoctis · 19/03/2023 15:57

I would treat it if the genders were reversed and if speaking to them does nothing then report it to HR. Just because he's a handsome man (must be by the sounds of it!) doesn't mean they should get like giddy schoolgirls. They need to get a grip and see he's happily married.

DrManhattan · 19/03/2023 16:29

@Eowyn78 I like your take on it but it wouldn't work for me. I would let her have him as he's not worth having. Being married shouldn't be a struggle and having to be at the top of your game every day to keep your man. That's exhausting and if he's that way inclined he will cheat anyways because he knows you will forgive him and take him back. I'd rather be on my own that with someone like that.

Eowyn78 · 19/03/2023 17:11

One shouldn't strive and fight forever to save their marriage. But if you know you have done everything you can possibly do to keep your man and he still runs off with an adulterous bitchington, you know your conscious is clear.

However, just a few tweaks to improve your marriage may be all your husband needs to remember why he fell in love with you in the first place. Marriage is a commitment and people need to work at commitments to make them last.

Sure, sometimes it's only one partner who is doing all the work. I know this from experience. And by the time my husband (ex now) had figured it out and wanted to make the marriage work it was too late.

Don't flog a dead horse, but don't give up too easily either.

LovelyIssues · 19/03/2023 17:47

Your DH isn't shutting it down. So it sounds like he's enjoying the attention. I wouldn't be impressed if I were you OP and would be keeping a close eye on him.

GalileoHumpkins · 19/03/2023 18:01

Tammy Wynette has entered the chat...

Rikitiki78 · 19/03/2023 18:45

Meeting her and her kids is a big fat no-no. She’s insinuating herself into your life and husband is going along with the program.

AllyArty · 19/03/2023 20:38

She has crossed the line. I understand u don’t want to own up to snooping but her behaviour is not ok. And u need to do whatever it takes to stop her furthering her advances towards your husband.