Son & PRU

Are you for real ? Your son violently attacks someone. Threatens teachers with death and you take him for a nice day out. He needs help and fast. It’s alright saying he would never hurt you, but what about the poor staff at the school ?

It sounds like his issues started once he knew dad was in prison. Does behaving like this make him feel a link with his dad? I would say first of all he needs therapy. Secondly I would wonder if there is more going on adhd etc. I couldn’t make excuses for violent outbursts. My child has a ehcp and a home tutor funded by the la but it took 6 months to put in place. Without an ehcp I think you are unlikely to get it. Also it’s temporary and doesn’t cover many subjects. Having my child at home all the time has been hard work, no break. But my child is happier. I think if your child has behaviour issues it could be really hard work for you. It might be worth calling sendiass and asking for advice.

He has been violent and threatened extreme violence. Your response to that is to ask him if he wants to talk about it and then take him out for the day because you don’t think it’s fair for him to have to stay at home. So what you’re doing is sanctioning his threatening and abusive behaviour and not challenging it.

The point about a PRU is that children go there when they can’t be in mainstream school. Your son can’t be in mainstream school and I would think the other pupils and staff are as much at risk from him as he is from learning poor behaviour. That ship has sailed. He’s already learned that violence and aggression works.

I think he needs someone to set very clear boundaries and I don’t know whether you’re able to do that. Ask for professional help and have some consequences to his appalling behaviour.

I work in a senior school rated as one of the worst in the UK. That’s how bad it is.
The school is full of children like yours, we are usually the final school before PRU is involved, which gives you an idea of how it is.

The school is full of parents like you. We have parents screaming at us in Reception because we have suspended their child for violence/bad behaviour and they don’t want their child to be upset.

If your son is excluded, then he shouldn’t be outside, if your son threatened to kill a member of staff he should not be having treats, he should be at home doing some form of lessons and feeling the full weight of your disappointment.

A lot of the problems we have are the parents, who can’t accept/don’t care that their child is becoming dangerous.

You aren’t helping him. Work with the school, get him therapy, show him that although you are his mum you don’t condone and won’t excuse his behaviour.

How would you cope with homeschooling him if you don’t want to upset him when he’s excluded? What happens when he doesn’t want to do the work? Will you just stop?

He will not be 13 forever, and you have a small window here to stop him ending up in Prison.

Refer yourself to Early Help and ask for parenting support.

@Supersands yes, I’ve seen quite a few studies working with kids in care around exactly what you just said re the link with his dad. Really complex and long (as in, I wouldn’t hasard trying to summarize bc I’d get it wrong, and I’ve long since moved to primary age), but yes, it’s a really good point.
Its really sad because at 13 he’s young enough, but as he grows into teenage years it could end horribly

Could you ask the school for a parenting course or advice.

The fact that you take him for a day out when he's excluded from school is utterly, completely shocking and so far from standard parenting.

I think that you both need help

What hobbies does your son have OP? Sport can be the making of boys in particular with problems.

Have a meeting with the school as soon as you can and ask for their help - they are the professionals, they should be able to help you and refer you and him for advice and counselling.

Mentoring also sounds like a good idea - having a male role model who can stay out of jail is a good thing.

For every one of the incidents you have listed, you have made excuses for your son’s behaviour. He has serious behaviour problems and I think you need to be honest with yourself about the extent of his problems and the fact that he is responsible for his own behaviour rather than keep blaming teachers, teaching assistants and his Dad. Of course a child with this kind of profile and problems would lie, you are deluded if you take his word over an adult professional in a specialist unit.

You are doing him no favours with your current approach and I doubt you will be able to manage him in a home school situation.

Your son is running out of chances. Work with the school, not against them.

You should NOT be rewarding him by “ taking him somewhere nice” This rewards his bad behaviour and encourages him to become manipulative.

You need counselling asap for your son.
You need parenting lessons for yourself. I think you’re so bogged down in the emotion of it all, probably scared of what your son will do next, that you cannot see the damage that is being done. Speak to his school, speak to Social Services, call the NSPCC a and get yourself on a parenting course.

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

It sounds like you are downplaying how bad he is? It does not matter how bad any member of staff is or how bad you think you are being treated, nothing will make it acceptable to threaten to kill the teacher! You have defended everything he is doing and made excuses, I think it might be time to open your eyes and accept what your child is like as he is heading straight to jail himself if you keep going like this.

You only have to look at the boy who stabbed and killed his teacher 4 years ago in Leeds because he felt she held a grudge against him.

My son attended a PRU for the last year of his education. He had huge problems with anxiety, and could not attend school. The LA sent a home tutor for five hours a week, but my son locked himself in the bathroom and hardly received any tuition.

He then gelled with one very understanding tutor, and this led to him being taught at the PRU on a one to one basis.

He was incredibly anxious all the time, and during the two years that he was out of school he learnt very little,

The 'alternative' education offered for young people with SEMH in this country is abysmal.

his happiness and mental health is very important to me

His happiness? What about his responsibilities, his morals, his character? What about the happiness and mental health of the people around him?

I have an uncle in jail and his mum, my Granny is exactly like you. Always making excuses for her son and feeling sorry for him and refusing to see the reality of his behaviour.

Bloody hell, op, whatever he dues, you just excuse it. Even knife crime and threatening violence!!!

Have you ever come firm on him like a ton of bricks and actually punished him for his terrible behaviour??

If not, why not?

Look at how many people he has affected.

Do you know how hard it is to actually expel a child from school? Your kid must have been. NIGHTMARE to be expelled so often.

You're bloody lucky he has a space in a PRU. They have experience in dealing with problem behaviour in kids.

I'd be a lot harder on him. He needs to settle down and stop being an star. Who does he think will ever employ him??

He loves you op. You are the solid rock in his life and he knows that. It's a huge responsibility. Use it well and own the price of it. You know what is right for him and you need to do it. It is not always the easy choice. By the fact you have posted and asked I think you know that.
You need to show love through giving him boundaries. The bond will only be stronger in the long term even if it feels like short term friction.

Star - should read arse 🙄

You aren't listening. You are rewarding his behaviour by doing things he likes when he does truly awful things.

Therapy for him.

Ask the school for help.

Parenting course for you.

And stop minimising his actions. There is no excuse for those incidents. None.

Support the school. Back them to the hilt.

Stop making excuses

@lieselotte agree about sports, or any activities. Those were my first roles as a volunteer, kind of like an after school club where you just keep them busy, depending on the needs.
Id imagine the PRU would have good recommendations on that.
As I mentioned, quite a few of mine liked boxing, but I mentioned in a PP a few criteria. At first I found it strange as a concept to encourage, then you réalise they’re going to punch whether you want it or not, so better to get as much out in a proper setting. They tend to like the boxing coaches as well.

I’ve switched to primary age for a while because I honestly couldn’t manage the older ones ( it was a choice, I’m junior), but 13 is usually the upper age for the pre teen activities, so time is really of an essence

I am not doing anything, when he misbehaves and is excluded from school I’ll just take him on a day out somewhere nice. I tell him it’s ok, but I would like for him to stop fighting and bring disrespectful in school.
He gets into trouble at school and you reward him. There's your problem.

So, he no longer has interest in activities he used to enjoy, his behaviour has shown a dramatic change and he seems to be sad at least some of the time?

Have you considered that he needs some help with his mental health?

His behaviour is completely unacceptable, and you do need to deal with this- the next time he attacks someone, the police may be involved, and that could lead to serious consequences for him.

But it sounds like he also needs some support with his mental health/dealing with his trauma from his childhood.

This is correct.

I'm actually shocked at your accepting and passive attitude tbh @DrainedNFedUp. Going on what you have said, I wouldn't be confident at all I'm afraid, that he wouldn't turn on you if some day you step up to the plate and say NO to him.

The idea that exclusion is rewarded with a nice day out just beggars belief!!! His refusing to discuss matters and you passively accepting that, is not on either. You've made excuses for everything he's done, when you should be working with the school and reinforcing the punishments they've put in place. What kid wouldn't act up (and that is putting it way too mildly) if they thought they'd get a couple of days off school and some treats? That is utterly shocking, and the notion that you can't see why this is all kinds of wrong, is actually disturbing.

Your DS is going to end up in prison before he leaves his teens if you don't step up and parent him. He's not going to like it when you set boundaries, so please do be wary.

He may have been a 'good boy'. He is not a 'good boy' any more. He's a violent thug. How in the hell is he ever going to respond positively to authority when you tell him to ignore the teacher? I'm actually appalled. You are actively enabling, condoning and encouraging his violent, threatening behaviour!

You both need extensive therapy, and should have been years ago. I hope you can take the advice here on board. I'm shocked that the personnel involved have not guided you down this path - or maybe they have and you didn't think you need it. Once your son gets sucked into this cycle or gangs up with other lads with this mentality, your life will be hell, and it won't be as simple to walk away from your son as from your ex. In his case, I hope they throw away the key. He is the last thing your child needs in his life.

OP you are running out of time to stop him ending up in prison like his dad. You say he’s always nice to you but you are letting him get away with appalling behaviour. What if you did punish him? Do you think he would be nice to you then? Please take the advice of PPs , get help and work with the PRU.

I can't fathom as a mother how you have been so passive, almost accepting of his behaviour in the past.

At 13, this is just the beginning. Imagine how this will esculate and what it will look like in 3,4,5 year's time? Where do you think he will be?

Fully address it now and get ALL the help you can get for him.

Communicate with him, educate him about life, the rights and the wrongs. That doesn't mean brow-beating him, but it is your role as a parent to try and guide him in the right direction.

A last simple point (and it's not a dig), but it doesn't take a lot to work out why he hasn't got any friends. Boys/girls like this are feared and kids stay well clear of them.

Hopefully he can turn this around, but he needs a lot of help and support now.