Son & PRU

In all honesty, you’ve not disciplined him at all. Ever. Have you been in an abusive relationship in the past? I wonder if that’s why you don’t want to discipline your son because “you’ll upset him” and you’ve had issues with a parent/partner in the past.

The fact is, letting his behaviour continue means he will get worse. He needs therapy and you need therapy/parenting course. This has clearly been going on for years and the teen years are where kids can really go off the rails. He does not need a day out when he’s done something wrong. You need to calmly sit him down and talk to him, tell him why the behaviour was wrong and then give a suitable punishment and try and work out why he’s behaving as he is.

Whilst his dad is in prison, use this time to really work out a way to deal with your son without the input of what sounds like a useless father around.

Does he have any good male role models you could rope in? Sounds like he could benefit from one.

I think you have some helpful suggestions.
There is the offenders children charity to contact
Ask the school/gp about referal for couselling/therapy
Look at other PRUs and SEMH schools in the area
Look into other alernative provisions like farms/mechanics
Look into mentoring schemes
Dont do fun things on exclusion days!

It is all overwhelming, but 13 isnt too late OP. I help at an alernative provision and people do turn things around.

You seem really passive and tolerant. I am wondering if any of your ex's behaviour has somehow conditioned you to accept violence and defiance as normal. Did you have access to support?

Your ds is clearly damaged and very angry. Did he witness any abuse or controlling behaviour towards you and feels defensive of you. His behaviour is extreme and he needs professional intervention. You say he was fine before the imprisonment but actually if he is year 8 this had started by age 8/9, perhaps at a time when others became more settled and he has not. Maybe he became more aware of differences between him and his peers. Was he ever assessed for additional needs?

There are several parenting programs that some councils offer which the school can refer you in to.

Work with the school and take all the support they can give/signpost you to.

Op, his behaviour is frightening. And you make one excuse after the other. Then reward him for this at home? You’re lucky he hasn’t been permanently excluded from the PRU to be honest. Your lack of insight into his behaviour is shocking. I suggest doing a parenting course and some counselling for your son, if he hasn’t already had any.

I agree with everything said above - you are excusing and minimising his behaviour at school and he has no incentive to change.

Does he have friends his own age? Does he socialise with anyone?

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.
No, until you recognise that your son is one of those children with behavioural problems, nothing will change.
A PRU is the absolute best place for him.

upset? You absolutely cannot be serious. You are encouraging his dreadful behaviour.

Most councils have a mentoring scheme available, I'd ask the PRU for a referral, some one to one time with a positive male role model may be beneficial. The PRU may also offer home tuition or EOTAS (Education other than at school), this may be useful even just temporarily. I'd consult your GP for a CAMHS referral, there may well be an underlying neuro diversity or anxiety issues due to the trauma. Finally, I'd reach out and try to find a reputable martial arts club - somewhere your son can burn some energy, learn self control and have to respect elder males, they're often a great outlet for troubled young guys.

He threatened to kill a member of staff and you take him for a nice day out. Omg
My child's been suspended. I made him sit at the desk and do school work for the school day. Regular movements breaks and walk at lunchtime. Electronics removed for a month.

listen, this is a horrible situation. You obviously love the bones of your son, and I’d be out of my mind if this was my child.
however, I really hope you don’t mind me being truthful, but you’re enabling his behavior by taking him on days out and telling him to ignore the teachers comments. These things will make him feel as if he’s done nothing wrong and he’s the one being treated badly in school- let’s be frank, he is the one in the wrong in school.

I think though, you’re past punishment and lectures. It sounds like he’s reprimanded and told off on the daily. It means nothing to him. I would seek counseling and support for him. His behavior will only continue to escalate.
I’d make it clear to him that feeling angry and frustrated or whatever he feels in school is fine, it’s ok to feel things, however the behavior is absolutely not ok. I truly hope he gets the help he needs x

Additional Needs can be behavioural - ADHD, PDA for example. Some can be inherited. You seem very closed to exploring what may be behind this.

I wonder what your own back ground is, because you are rewarding and making excuses for some genuinely very violent/ threatening behaviour from your son. Threats to kill and carrying a knife with intent could see him in prison.

Your son has developed an entirely skewed sense of consequences. He has realised that if he ramps up his dangerous behaviour to exclusion levels, he gets a day out without even pretending to be sorry.

How safe do you think you’d be if you tried to implement punishment/consequences now?

Social services involvement might be the saving of him. The danger is presented by your son to pretty much everyone he interacts with.

The PRU could be the absolute making of him, OP, but only if you work really closely with them and follow through with the way they discipline. You have never said no to him, which is why he has never turned on you. Eventually, a day will come when you have to put your foot down and then you'll see who you have raised.

It is not unkind to upset him. It's teaching him what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. We do this with small children. We say no to toddlers an awful lot and then heap praise on for good behaviour. That is how they learn.

You are giving him mixed messages. You are correct that he needs to trust you and know you like the person he is, but being unhappy and disappointed with his behaviour is separate from attacking him as a person. It isn't removing your love. It is teaching right and wrong. Somewhere along the line, you seem have learned that discipline and teaching good behaviour is 'upsetting' and should be avoided. It is not. It is how he grows up into a functioning member of society who has friends and employment.

Get help from the PRU and grow a big, steel backbone.

Good luck.

Op- your child behaves appallingly at school and you collect him and take him on a day out because you don’t think it’s fair for him to sit at home. You try to talk to him about it and he gets upset/annoyed so you stop. Is it any wonder he continues this behaviour?? He has no consequences for his actions. Where is the incentive to behave correctly? Days out should be rewards for good behaviour.
Being sent home from school means he needs to go home, have all ‘fun’ removed- no TV, no games console, iPad, whatever. He sits at a table and does school work or some sort of work until the normal school end day. And even then, his normal evening plans should not be allowed. You need him to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around him getting his own way. You will make things boring for him if he cannot behave like a civilised human being and you will take away privileges until he can show you some positive behaviour.
I despair sometimes.

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

You are the problem here. He threatens to kill someone and you react like this? Seriously, WTF.

Where is his incentive not to be disruptive, violent and dangerous?

And no he should def not be going on a school trip and you should not offer to take him.
Your totally working against the schools and pru by rewarding bad behaviour and being excluded. Why are you not holding him accountable for his behaviour

Which would definitely work for my child too. But I’m going to assume, like my child, they’re not in a PRU with behavioral issues and there’s boundaries and sanctions at home. This kid has none of that. Realistically if she tried to make him sit at a desk all day, based on what OP has described, he’d run away. This child needs professional help and hopefully his mum can ask the PRU/ council for help and support for her son

I do really feel for you OP, but this stood out for me so much: “am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems”
your son HAS behaviour problems. Bad ones. He is just like everyone else at that school, I’m sorry.

OP I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I’m sorry but I agree with PP
I’m sure you are trying your best, but now is the time to acknowledge that nothing is working in the slightest.
You don’t sound equipped at all with the situation, which is understandable, hence seconding PP recommendations for professional help.
How about asking for a meeting with the school ? Ask them what they think could help ? And all other PP suggestions.

You seem to really want to hold on to the way your baby previously was, which is of course completely understandable, but you’re losing notion of time a little : it has been two years. This is getting very very close to your last chance to act. You’re ‘fortunate’ that his lashing out up until now has been mostly verbal - but having worked with a lot of children in care with difficulties (the difference being he has you - a loving parent ; the common one being there were often prison parents), 13 is a pivotal age where they’re still half children, you’re cutting it really close. But there is hope at this age. If you leave it a year more, first he’ll be a full blown teenager (14yos+ in any circumstances are a nightmare, and, most importantly, getting more fixed in their ways), and second, the way he’s escalating, you’re at huge risk of the language becoming actions before that age.

Its great that you posted, please listen to PP advice. I’m European so can’t advise on English help.
A talk with the school, therapy are non negotiable for sure though. Incidentally I found my boys enjoyed boxing, but definitely in a one to one way, not in a club setting where they play against each other, and always inform the instructor of the background