Son & PRU

it sounds like he also needs some support with his mental health/dealing with his trauma from his childhood

Yes. It's unfortunate that mental health provision is so rubbish in this country. If you have any spare funds, I'd be using them to access any support you can get privately.

Not being interested in anything, showing violence and being sad doesn't exactly scream well balanced child does it? But he is only 13 and this can be turned around with the right help.

You believe him on every occasion over his school. Start believing his school and his teachers, they’re telling you the truth. You are being touch too soft and your son WILL end up in prison if you don’t act now! Ask about a parenting class because you clearly just want to be his friend. Parenting isn’t easy - it sounds like you just want an easy life.

You could try speaking to PACT, they are a charity for prisoners and their families. You DS is going through a whole identity shift and the foundations of his world don't feel secure to him. PACT may be able to direct you to a councillors who works with children with a parent in prison.

www.prisonadvice.org.uk/

*much

And remember the rate of mental heath problems in prisoners is sky high. You can make sure your son isn't one of these statistics.

I haven't read the full thread.

I do think that you are getting this wrong OP. Rewarding exclusions is giving the message that the behaviour is fine. As is the other minimising.

I think you need to get some support with your parenting going forward though because a change in the way you parent at home could result in behaviours at home. This is not a reason not to change your parenting methods just something you need to be aware of.

As he is in the Pru they will have access to schemes that can support you especially if you say that you want to make changes at home to support his behaviour in the PRU. I think in this situation some kind of joint therapy might be best so that you can discuss and agree consequences for actions that happen in school so that it doesn't come at a shock to him next time he behaves badly that you act differently.

He is young. He won't want to end up in prison. You can now start afresh and work together to fix this.

Ultimately you may feel like you are being kind to your troubled child but you are really not. You are laying a pathway of enabling this behaviour which will lead to him being a violent criminal adult with no boundaries. You're his mum you can help him stop this. You can be strong for him .

His dad is in prison! Boo hoo. He’s not the first or the last kid to have been dealt a bad hand in life. Being angry won’t change that so he’ll have to suck it up and get on with it. He’s the only one who can turn it around , with your help and the help of his school . Don’t let him be a statistic of a single parent family!

See this needs to change.

It doesn't matter that you disagree. You need to be untied with school now and say that you support the school.

If you don't do this he won't have clear boundaries for his behaviour.

@DrainedNFedUp Your OP asked if you should withdraw him : as you will have seen, the unanimous answer is no.
Also, unanimous disagreement with your disciplining approach. Please don’t take this personally, it is extremely clear that you love your child, and please believe everyone is trying to help.
I can imagine it must have been a lot to take in.

If I may ask, how do you feel after reading the replies ?
Forum reply rates move very quick ! Often too quick for the person involved emotionally.
Are you still doubting keeping him in the PRU ?
Are there any specific elements you would have questions for advice or other on ?
In other words, it can help sometimes (yourself) if you take tentatives to guide the discussion. An anonymous forum is good to explore your feelings, and you seem to be holding a lot of those back.

You had the smarts to separate, I would imagine deep down you were terrified of the knife comment, but you don’t seem to have the slightest idea of how to manage it, which is normal, professional help is for that.

Denial can only protect you both so much longer from a breakdown (and denial can often come across as blasé, which is a little the impression you give in posts). The difference will be that you won’t hurt anyone and he risks something irreparable.

You weren’t there so you don’t get to decide if they warranted an exclusion. Start backing the school, if you don’t you will lose your son to criminality. I can guarantee your ex had weak parenting too!

He's violent, disruptive, cannot be trusted to follow reasonable requests... and you don't agree that those are reasons to exclude?

You are very much part of the problem.

The psychology of it is quite clear - he feels abandoned by his dad and now he is testing you, to know that no matter what he does you will love him.

And you will love him. But part of loving our children is helping them to navigate the world and you are not currently doing this. Your passivity is starting to drift into neglect, in the sense of not giving him an impression about caring about his long term future.

Your son needs counselling. And support. But also boundaries that help your son to feel safe and to have a "plan" to earn your respect and gain self worth. He is being rewarded for bad things, which is confusing.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

Are you for real? Your son is one of the children with behavioural problems - are you really this wilfully ignorant?

Why should kids and teachers in mainstream schools have to put up with your sons violent behaviour?

I work as a 1:1 for a child with SEMH and behaviour problems. His mum always says "He is an angel at home and is only this way at school." The reason is because there are zero boundaries or rules in place at home. She is afraid to say no so he goes to bed at 11pm, has unlimited screen time, only eats junk food and has no siblings to share with or get in conflict with. He is 6. I shudder to think what a teenage boy with no boundaries looks like at home. You must be terrified.

I kind of disagree with many of the previous posters, although I agree with them that your approach is wrong.

He is clearly a very disturbed boy - his father has been sent to prison for a long sentence, so he has clearly done something serious. The bad behaviour started when he was 10/11 which coincides with his father going to prison. I really think you need to get support for both of you to deal with this. Your boy is clearly traumatised and damaged by this. If you don't do something, he is on a path to self-destruction and possible prison himself.

Please do seek all the help you can - whether it's from the school or your own resources. You can research this and you should be doing.

Stop minimising his behaviour - it isn't normal and it isn't acceptable. Unlike PP I think it is explainable, but you are tackling it wrong.

What a situation to be in. Must be difficult for you. Does your son have any therapy? He is clearly expressing anger about the whole situation and needs help. I guess some counselling would be good for you as well. Hope things settle soon for you.

Also, as an adult we do masses of things we don't really like very much - queuing, tidying, being polite to people we don't like much. You need to help him understand that this is a part of growing up. His teachers are not just teaching him stuff, but life skills. You are not helping him in telling him that you can behave badly if you find an excuse for it.

Have a chat with Therese Langford - it's free - of www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy

She works with children with anxiety and behavioural issues and will be able to tell you if she can help your son.

The school clearly did, and whether you think they were merited or not, you must stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them. You're not helping him by refusing to accept his behaviour is atrocious. You are your son's advocate here, and by making excuses, you are escalating his bad behaviour. I don't know how you can say this after all his exclusions/expulsions.

I would be deeply ashamed, embarrassed and alarmed. You need to address this immediately - for both of your sakes.

Just wondering aloud, as a prisoner, how your ex has been in a position to fling the big presents at your DS. Are these profits of crime? Wouldn't touch them with a barge pole.

Does DS have an EHCP? If not you should apply. If he does you need an early review.

Do you know unless you have a good reason you shouldn’t be taking DS out to a public place during school hours in the first 5 days of any exclusion? You risk prosecution.

therapy required.

But none of this means I am saying your son is bad. It's just that he is having bad behaviours, explicable by grief and anger, reinforced. He does need professional help.

I really hope you take the responses to this thread as a massive wake-up call.
My DS was permanently excluded in Y3 for violence towards a teacher, damaging property, etc. Spent half a year at a PRU. They were excellent at identifying his needs. He has since integrated back into a mainstream school, has an EHCP, and has started in secondary with only minor problems. BUT I worked with them, took their advice, ASKED their advice, went on loads of courses, etc, etc.
If your DS is not going to end up having a very difficult adulthood, you need to change direction now.