AIBU?
Son & PRU
DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 19:33
In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.
I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.
I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.
My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.
He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.
The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.
The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.
He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.
So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.
He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.
Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.
My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.
Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.
Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.
He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.
There have been a few incidents just to name a few
- He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion
2. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion
3. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched
4.
My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.
This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.
AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.
Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:34
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:32
Yes I agree there must have been at that time.
Why it didn’t morph into a long term plan is the issue
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:31
OP said there hasn’t been any outside agency involvement. That wouldn’t happen. At all.
He wasn’t assessed at the hospital
So the hospital just magically put DS on a drip with no prior assessment and no further assessment and no follow up. Why on earth did you let DS receive such negligent care without challenge?
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:30
Sorry my message maybe wasn’t clear enough.
I do know the system, albeit not perfectly.
What I meant was the possibility of initial involvement, or several, that didn’t continue long term, for various reasons
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:28
he could have fallen through the cracks.
He really couldn’t. Not to the extent there has been no outside agency involvement. Anyone who knows anything about the system would know it would never happen.
If OP’s DS was hospitalised for lack of eating, lost 3 stone, had suicidal ideation and his behaviour means he attends a PRU there would be some form of outside agency involvement: paed, CAMHS, dietician, even school nursing team and GP… and that’s just medical involvement before you consider education or social care.
It would be extremely remiss and negligent of everyone involved if there was absolutely no outside agency involvement.
I would hasard à guess that they were the ones who handed the leaflets, but this is too much guessing I’d think for me
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 19:34
DrainedNFedUp · 26/03/2023 19:24
Yes correct CAHMS have never been involved in my sons life, the suicidal thoughts were after admission to hospital; he was placed on a drip.
He wasn’t assessed at the hospital, although I did explain that the non eating was due to his father being imprisoned, I was handed a leaflet with names and numbers of organisations that could help us.
When my son was experiencing suicidal thoughts I took him to his favourite holiday destination which did perk him up and he started eating and gradually got back to his usual self in terms of eating and the suicidal thoughts.
So, @DrainedNFedUp given that CAMHS are 'dismal' why didn't you get your son seen privately by a Child Psychiatrist when he became suicidal?
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:38
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 19:34
So, @DrainedNFedUp given that CAMHS are 'dismal' why didn't you get your son seen privately by a Child Psychiatrist when he became suicidal?
DrainedNFedUp · 26/03/2023 19:24
Yes correct CAHMS have never been involved in my sons life, the suicidal thoughts were after admission to hospital; he was placed on a drip.
He wasn’t assessed at the hospital, although I did explain that the non eating was due to his father being imprisoned, I was handed a leaflet with names and numbers of organisations that could help us.
When my son was experiencing suicidal thoughts I took him to his favourite holiday destination which did perk him up and he started eating and gradually got back to his usual self in terms of eating and the suicidal thoughts.
@onirgellep just to be sure, I was the one who used the term dismal, although it was in the overworked / understaffed / can only work with what they have meaning.
And yes, I think we absolutely all here agree the lack of therapy is heartbreaking
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:40
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:37
I have read your posts.
A child not eating and who had lost 3 stone would be hitting the red flags on the, then used, Junior Marsipan criteria. They would be a concern. There would be more assessment than you are suggesting.
@FloatingBean I have experience with eating disorders and similar, and the waiting times…, but you seem to know more than me re this particular situation so I’ll go with your word, I shouldn’t have generalised I think
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 19:48
No Paediatrician I've ever worked with would agree to having an 11 yr old boy who was refusing to eat and had lost approx 50% of their bodyweight* in their bed without involvement of CAMHS
- average weight of an 11 yo is only 5 and half stone so losing 3 stones is not compatible with life
-
OliveWah · 26/03/2023 19:50
@DrainedNFedUp You are quickly running out of space on this thread, and I worry that once it's full, you won't have anywhere to get the helpful advice you've been receiving here. It might be worth starting another and linking it on this thread if you want to.
It's clear you've made mistakes, as you admit, but you know that the time to turn things around is now. In your shoes my first calls on Monday morning would be to SS and the PRU; simply hold your hands up and ask for help. Parenting is really bloomin' hard work, especially on your own, and there is no shame whatsoever in asking for help. It's what these agencies are there for. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you and your boy. 
blumppump · 26/03/2023 19:51
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 19:48
No Paediatrician I've ever worked with would agree to having an 11 yr old boy who was refusing to eat and had lost approx 50% of their bodyweight* in their bed without involvement of CAMHS
- average weight of an 11 yo is only 5 and half stone so losing 3 stones is not compatible with life
-
Absolutely this.
titchy · 26/03/2023 19:51
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 19:48
No Paediatrician I've ever worked with would agree to having an 11 yr old boy who was refusing to eat and had lost approx 50% of their bodyweight* in their bed without involvement of CAMHS
- average weight of an 11 yo is only 5 and half stone so losing 3 stones is not compatible with life
-
They always slip up don't they 
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:53
titchy · 26/03/2023 19:51
They always slip up don't they
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 19:48
No Paediatrician I've ever worked with would agree to having an 11 yr old boy who was refusing to eat and had lost approx 50% of their bodyweight* in their bed without involvement of CAMHS
- average weight of an 11 yo is only 5 and half stone so losing 3 stones is not compatible with life
-
Ah sorry only been working with children in care in England for 2 years, it takes me a calculator for stones etc (previously Europe) and didn’t, never mind my comments then
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:54
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:40
@FloatingBean I have experience with eating disorders and similar, and the waiting times…, but you seem to know more than me re this particular situation so I’ll go with your word, I shouldn’t have generalised I think
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:37
I have read your posts.
A child not eating and who had lost 3 stone would be hitting the red flags on the, then used, Junior Marsipan criteria. They would be a concern. There would be more assessment than you are suggesting.
I’m not even talking about long term care, I’m talking about in the immediate. A child not eating for long enough to lose 3 stone would be at risk of re-feeding syndrome, so even if you ignore the apparent lack of psychiatric input they would at the very least have input from a dietician and paediatrician.
DrainedNFedUp · 26/03/2023 19:58
@OliveWah
Thank you, we have our first joint therapy session this week, so that’s something to look forward to.
@titchy slip up where? I’ve been completely honest throughout.
Sorry, just realised that I put 3 stone, it was 2* stone typo, please don’t see this as a coincidence because I am telling the truth and have throughout.
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 20:01
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:54
I’m not even talking about long term care, I’m talking about in the immediate. A child not eating for long enough to lose 3 stone would be at risk of re-feeding syndrome, so even if you ignore the apparent lack of psychiatric input they would at the very least have input from a dietician and paediatrician.
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:40
@FloatingBean I have experience with eating disorders and similar, and the waiting times…, but you seem to know more than me re this particular situation so I’ll go with your word, I shouldn’t have generalised I think
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:37
I have read your posts.
A child not eating and who had lost 3 stone would be hitting the red flags on the, then used, Junior Marsipan criteria. They would be a concern. There would be more assessment than you are suggesting.
Loss of 3 stone is loss of heart muscle and cardiac arrest territory
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 20:02
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 20:01
Loss of 3 stone is loss of heart muscle and cardiac arrest territory
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:54
I’m not even talking about long term care, I’m talking about in the immediate. A child not eating for long enough to lose 3 stone would be at risk of re-feeding syndrome, so even if you ignore the apparent lack of psychiatric input they would at the very least have input from a dietician and paediatrician.
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:40
@FloatingBean I have experience with eating disorders and similar, and the waiting times…, but you seem to know more than me re this particular situation so I’ll go with your word, I shouldn’t have generalised I think
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:37
I have read your posts.
A child not eating and who had lost 3 stone would be hitting the red flags on the, then used, Junior Marsipan criteria. They would be a concern. There would be more assessment than you are suggesting.
I know, I was just pointing out to the poster I was quoting that I wasn’t even talking about long term care as they suggested, but more immediate.
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 20:15
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 20:02
I know, I was just pointing out to the poster I was quoting that I wasn’t even talking about long term care as they suggested, but more immediate.
onirgellep · 26/03/2023 20:01
Loss of 3 stone is loss of heart muscle and cardiac arrest territory
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:54
I’m not even talking about long term care, I’m talking about in the immediate. A child not eating for long enough to lose 3 stone would be at risk of re-feeding syndrome, so even if you ignore the apparent lack of psychiatric input they would at the very least have input from a dietician and paediatrician.
Godlovesall26 · 26/03/2023 19:40
@FloatingBean I have experience with eating disorders and similar, and the waiting times…, but you seem to know more than me re this particular situation so I’ll go with your word, I shouldn’t have generalised I think
FloatingBean · 26/03/2023 19:37
I have read your posts.
A child not eating and who had lost 3 stone would be hitting the red flags on the, then used, Junior Marsipan criteria. They would be a concern. There would be more assessment than you are suggesting.
Sorry
blumppump · 26/03/2023 20:21
DrainedNFedUp · 26/03/2023 20:20
@blumppump
I do not care if you doubt it, that’s my sons height and and weight, you do not live with us.
I weigh him every fortnight!
There is no way your son is that weight. None. I suggest you read carefully what you wrote.
Why are you weighing him so often anyway?
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