AIBU?
Son & PRU
DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 19:33
In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.
I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.
I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.
My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.
He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.
The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.
The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.
He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.
So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.
He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.
Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.
My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.
Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.
Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.
He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.
There have been a few incidents just to name a few
- He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion
2. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion
3. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched
4.
My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.
This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.
AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.
Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
BCfan · 16/03/2023 20:17
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DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 20:17
@PaigeMatthews I don’t discipline him, to be honest I don’t know how to discipline him or which form of discipline would work.
I ask him would he like to speak about what happened, why it happened and what does he think he could have done to prevent it.
He usually says he doesn’t want to speak about it or remember it, I will not force him.
In regards to the latest incident, he did tell me why he said it.
FrownedUpon · 16/03/2023 20:18
He needs specialist professional support, including therapy. He’s damaged from his experiences sadly. The PRU should have access to this. You won’t be able to deal with this on your own. Do you really think he will sit at home & let you homeschool him? He’ll be going out & getting up to all sorts.
Dinopawus · 16/03/2023 20:18
I'd say your are confusing your Son OP. He is in serious trouble and you take him on a day out?
No, a parent needs to set very clear boundaries and make it clear that bad behaviour has consequences. If even half of what you have posted here is true, this is very, very bad.
Is the reason you don't think he is a threat to you because you don't challenge him? Are you scared of him?
I would say if he is ever going to turn this around he needs to engage with the PRU and you need to back them every step of the way.
Spendonsend · 16/03/2023 20:18
You cant take him out during school hours when he is excluded - you could be prosecuted for this.
He should be given work to complete at home. He will have to be upset about that I am afraid.
I wonder if you are scared of violence if you upset him? Its very tough snd surprisingly common.
Dinopawus · 16/03/2023 20:20
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I've already posted, but am wondering if I've been had.
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 16/03/2023 20:21
God forbid he should be upset, eh. Just let him murder someone OP, I'm sure the judge will take into account that he's a precious little flower at sentencing. Maybe he can share a cell with dear old Dad.
You're right, he shouldn't be in the PRU. Those other kids shouldn't have to be endangered by him.
Briallen · 16/03/2023 20:22
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OhmygodDont · 16/03/2023 20:22
The point of the exclusion is to sit at home bored not to get a fun day out with mum.
You’ve completely got no clue on how to parent this lad. He needs counselling and he needs boundaries. Exclusion means sit at home bored, no phone, no Xbox/PlayStation. Get him doing chores, get age appropriate home work books.
Not a beach day or Alton towers or the zoo ffs.
If you don’t step up now he will likely follow though in a threat to stab someone one day and then you’ve lost him properly to the criminal system because you’re doing head in sand.
You know who are also nice when around certain people abusive adult men, do you want him to be that person with his nice and pie act to some people while telling others his going to kill them?
Rogue1001MNer · 16/03/2023 20:22
@DrainedNFedUp I'm not going to pile in on you, although I agree with those who say you're rewarding his behaviour when you take him on day trips when he's been excluded
(I don't know about PRUs, but you're supposed to keep a child excluded from mainstream home. It says so on the exclusion letter, so you'd know that)
But more constructively.
Google children heard and seen.
It's a charity who supports children where a family member has been imprisoned
IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 16/03/2023 20:23
Not all PRUs are created equal. I work in one that isn't part of a chain or academy and is very focussed on he emotional well-being of pupils. Most of our kids are in care or from families where a parent is in prison or has died in violent circumstances. It's a very nurturing environment and we do really well with our kids with many being rehabilitated back into school and those who aren't benefitting from our on site counselling and careers guidance. For example, we would never exclude for a kid going to the loo in lessons... in fact we don't stop kids moving around the school and don't punish for them leaving the classroom/building/site as long as they're not in any physics danger. In your position I would find out about PRUs in your area and get a transfer to one that's less strict and a bit gentler.
Livinghappy · 16/03/2023 20:23
know the things he is doing is wrong, but me punishing him is only going to make him upset
The reason he hasn't turned on you is because don't have boundaries or won't say No. Then you send him to school where the teachers have to try and implement boundaries...then when he is violent you reward him. I'm almost not sure this can be real.. Can you really have such little insight?
DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 20:23
@BCfan I would appreciate it if you would not accuse me of “not being real” I am really upset right now, I come on here looking for help, I have been completely honest along the way and I haven’t left anyone out, please be kind and supportive.
@FrownedUpon I haven’t thought about that; so many things running through my mind.
Grumpsy · 16/03/2023 20:25
DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 20:23
@BCfan I would appreciate it if you would not accuse me of “not being real” I am really upset right now, I come on here looking for help, I have been completely honest along the way and I haven’t left anyone out, please be kind and supportive.
@FrownedUpon I haven’t thought about that; so many things running through my mind.
Well stop burying your head in the sand and start listening to what people are saying…
Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 20:26
why dont you talk to him about discipline, sit down with him and say you think it would help him in the long run to be punished for his behaviour at home, and give him the options, and see what he says- turn off internet, confiscate phone, ban on computer games, withdrawl of treat or pocket money, or ask him for his suggestions
OhmygodDont · 16/03/2023 20:26
I also think Pru’s are great for children who need them btw but only if the parents and children accept the help offered.
My best schooling years were in a pru. Left straight to college never got in any trouble once I was in the pru. Unfortunately some kids/parents didn’t pay attention and I’ve seen a few faces and names I recognise pop up on the local policing Facebook page.
OhmygodDont · 16/03/2023 20:28
DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 20:25
Ok
So what do I do now please?
Work with the school when they tell you his done something wrong not oh well but it’s because of whatever. He broke the rules.
No fun days out when his excluded your making him if anything want to be naughty because he gets a treat for being bad. He also knows mummy doesn’t think his bad or naughty because I’m nice at home so she doesn’t really believe the teachers. You need to start showing that you do not like how he behaves at school, that you back the school and get him therapy.
BCfan · 16/03/2023 20:29
DrainedNFedUp · 16/03/2023 20:23
@BCfan I would appreciate it if you would not accuse me of “not being real” I am really upset right now, I come on here looking for help, I have been completely honest along the way and I haven’t left anyone out, please be kind and supportive.
@FrownedUpon I haven’t thought about that; so many things running through my mind.
I apologise if you are a genuine poster - I can't believe that could be the case though.
Assuming social services are involved, could they get you some parenting classes that might help with the basics such as not advising you take a teenager out for an ice cream after they are excluded for threatening to kill.
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