Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Yes, you have. Multiple times. But you don't see how behaviour escalates or how how praising bad behaviour has consequences. You have been warned by numerous people on this thread that once you start putting in boundaries, you will be the target of his behaviour - that's why school was the target before (because they actually uphold their rules) and not with you (the person he can manipulate). Unfortunately, he has learnt he can manipulate women and if he doesn't get his own way, will display toxic behaviours.

I’m so depressed, drained and fed up. I’ll book and appointment with my doctor tomorrow.

@DrainedNFedUp You have needed to discipline him you just haven't. Mine have turned out to be easy children/young people but each one of them have at times been put straight. The times you say no to a toddler or move them away or sit them in the pushchair when they want to walk but it's not safe or convenient gives them the very first understanding of boundaries and that their parent is in charge. These boundaries give them shape to their lives and help them feel secure of their place in the world.
Your son hasn't had that, coupled with a parent who has shown him a life of crime brings material wealth and another who overindulges him and panders to his every demand in the name of love and the need to keep him forever happy. Little wonder he is now out of control, he has no idea of his place in the world because he has a father who has shown him that he has no respect for boundaries either and an ineffectual mother who folds at the first sign of resistance.
Why on earth were you bothered by him not eating breakfast? He wouldn't have starved and is old enough to get himself something to eat anyway. You need to be taught how to parent, speak to the PRU I imagine they have seen this regularly and might already know where to refer you on to.
He's thirteen, time is getting short to be able to turn this round and today has demonstrated that without some intervention you are not capable of doing this alone.

@DrainedNFedUp Don’t give up now, the first steps were always going to be the hardest if you’ve never disciplined him. Ok, you didn’t manage to hold it together this time - first time ever - but it’s still if anything a tiny seed planted for you.

Now it’s just back to the drawing board, back to being realistic that you can’t do this alone (I don’t think any of us here could, not after two solid years of consistent hell), so PRU, SS, etc. Just give them a shot, try not to look too far forwards maybe, you seem to overthink a lot (understandable), and then panic and retract.

I wonder though, if your ex has always been so adamant his son wouldn’t be involved in the same as him : he must know through these uncles how much your son is quickly spiraling right into his direction. This may be the stupidest thought ever, but can’t he react with cutting down the pocket money or something ? Sorry if this is a really stupid thought

Can I ask what the issue was with him not eating breakfast? Surely at 13 he’s old enough to decide if he wants breakfast or not and make himself some cereal? Why did you care?
I don’t understand how it’s in any way linked to him getting his devices back?

@Godlovesall26

My ex doesn’t know much about how current situation, one of his friends asked to take my son shopping, my son didn’t want to know.

I have very little contact with my ex, he said he still wants my son living the same life he was when he wasn’t in prison i.e expensive holidays, nice days out, expensive clothing etc the list goes on.

Worst thing is I don’t then think my son cares about all of that.

@Freshstarts22

He didn’t eat much yesterday either, wouldn’t eat breakfast either, I called him down he just sat and looked at it.

I had a vision in my head of him passing out and me having to take him to the hospital, then me getting in trouble.

We have spoken and watched Netflix together today and he has agreed to go to school tomorrow but is adamant not to apologise to the girl, he also said he is only going to school because I want him to, I didn’t he wouldn’t go back there.

He is a master manipulator and you are a complete pushover. The correct response would have been "well go without then but you won't be getting your devices back until there has been a consistent improvement in your behaviour. There is food in the kitchen, help yourself if you want but I won't be offering food again until lunch" He won't faint through missing a meal and if he did it would be his own fault.

I know you’ve said you have anxiety but are you being treated for it because in the nicest way, that isn’t a normal thought process to have over a teenager not eating a meal. They’re old enough to regulate themselves and make their own food.
You’ve had lots of good advice but I do t think there’s even a small chance of you implementing any of it until you get your own MH under control.

@Freshstarts22

I suffer from intrusive thoughts, I have done for many years. I am always thinking “what if”

Yes he is old enough to get his own food, my went through a long period of not eating, he even had to be hospitalised because of this, dropped nearly almost 3 stone, he is has always been very slim; so as you can imagine… I don’t want him going back to that stage.

There is so many things that I haven’t told you about the effect my ex going to prison had on my child, if I were to tell you everything you’d understand.

At one stage he didn’t want to even be alive, I don’t even want to think back to that stage; so yes I try my best to do whatever makes him happy, my son is all I have.

Have you asked for an Early Help?
Have you asked for referral to Child Centred policing?

DS was hospitalised due to his lack of eating and had suicidal ideation yet he has never had any outside agencies involved?

Indeed.

This. How could he have been hospitalised for not eating and suicidal ideation and not had any input from any agencies? That's surely unlikely.

Surely he would have been seen by the Paediatric Liaison Psychiatry team on the ward?

Not necessarily liaison psychiatry but there would be some form of professional input.

Suicidal 11 yr old not eating and lost 3 stone - CAMHS psychiatrist [or other CAMHS clinician] would see as an emergency

Might not have a formal Paed Liaison Team but CAMHS would have someone to send to assess

True, but to be fair OP, aside from the anxieties, clearly would have given the impression of doing everything needed to feed her son (which is obv the case), and I wonder if this combined with the son not expressing himself much, and to be blunt clearly having the means for private therapy, it’s not impossible, or unfortunately unlikely, he could have fallen through the cracks. Especially as we don’t know when this was, if it was in the immediate aftermath it may have been even more likely to be seen as temporary.

I think a lot of us here would agree children mental health services can be dismal. I mean, generally you have to push them to take notice, so with op’s approach, idk what happened

Yes correct CAHMS have never been involved in my sons life, the suicidal thoughts were after admission to hospital; he was placed on a drip.

He wasn’t assessed at the hospital, although I did explain that the non eating was due to his father being imprisoned, I was handed a leaflet with names and numbers of organisations that could help us.

When my son was experiencing suicidal thoughts I took him to his favourite holiday destination which did perk him up and he started eating and gradually got back to his usual self in terms of eating and the suicidal thoughts.

@DrainedNFedUp I agree with PP about your own well-being. You’ve been through so much, it’s hardly surprising you’re just trying to keep afloat.

Unfortunately, as a lot of us have mentioned, he’s quickly getting older, you need to ask for outside help. When you’re well enough, you can continue to enforce it

he could have fallen through the cracks.

He really couldn’t. Not to the extent there has been no outside agency involvement. Anyone who knows anything about the system would know it would never happen.

If OP’s DS was hospitalised for lack of eating, lost 3 stone, had suicidal ideation and his behaviour means he attends a PRU there would be some form of outside agency involvement: paed, CAMHS, dietician, even school nursing team and GP… and that’s just medical involvement before you consider education or social care.

It would be extremely remiss and negligent of everyone involved if there was absolutely no outside agency involvement.

Sorry my message maybe wasn’t clear enough.

I do know the system, albeit not perfectly.

What I meant was the possibility of initial involvement, or several, that didn’t continue long term, for various reasons

OP said there hasn’t been any outside agency involvement. That wouldn’t happen. At all.

He wasn’t assessed at the hospital

So the hospital just magically put DS on a drip with no prior assessment and no further assessment and no follow up. Why on earth did you let DS receive such negligent care without challenge?

@FloatingBean

Please read what I wrote a couple of posts above.

So the hospital just magically put DS on a drip with no prior assessment and no further assessment and no follow up. Why on earth did you let DS receive such negligent care without challenge?

This

Yes I agree there must have been at that time.
Why it didn’t morph into a long term plan is the issue