Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

@Bizzieizz

I believe my child; he does not lie or like to be lied to. I will clarify what he has told me with the school on Monday.

He didn’t say it wasn’t his fault, he said he did it because she was bullying and saying nasty things to a child with autism.

Yes he is a VERY intelligent boy, and NO he doesn’t crop up things in his head, I know my child, you DON’T. Very pathetic to think it has taken a few days to “crop this up in his head”

He didn’t tell me straight away because he was annoyed and didn’t want to speak or want anyone speaking to him.

I knew that something would have provoked him to behave the way he did, but it’s not justifiable.

People here really seem to think they know my child.

Exactly as I predicted it didn't take long for you to come here and call the posters "pathetic" after an apology.

If you know your son so well, why are you posting here? Handle himself with all that wonderful insight into him that you have.

You can't/won't leave a 13yo home while you do the shop? Even if dp was there? Are you worried he will leave, find his stuff, cause damage, get aggressive? Can you find an alternative such as delivery or ask dp to pick up a click and collect order? It seems unwise to even consider bringing a baby into the mix at this point. You could arrange a ed psych report privately yourself if PRU suggest there will be a wait.

I don’t think you know your child!!

Seriously, if that was the case then the school would tell you!

You’ve posted on here inviting opinions and tbh I don’t think a single person has told you this is ok. You are a lone voice amongst parents who would go insane over this behaviour. You have excused every single thing, minimised it, or as now, discovered a scenario that also paints him in a good light.

I really hope this is a wind up.

Wow if you are this nasty to people trying to support you, no wonder your son treats people the way he does. He has two crappy role models in his life, and as punishment he'll either end up in prison himself, or end up starting on the wrong person who won't pander to him and will just stab him (saw it happen more frequently than you can imagine working with youths in London -very wealthy areas of London).

@LIZS

I would leave him with my partner yes! It is not that I don’t trust my son to leave him alone, I like my son to be with me at all times, leaving him home alone will only cause me anxiety.

I spoke to my partner this morning and he has suggested that we all go out together, we are not doing that.

Ted Bundy was also a very intelligent boy.

Perhaps getting help for your anxiety , which must be raised due to your ds behaviour, may help you see the bigger picture. Agree he has carefully thought through his explanation which you should check with PRU. Even if it were accurate it demonstrates a lack of impulse control and rigid thinking.

In all honesty I predict an update Monday whereby the school conveniently and miraculously concurs with the sons version of events, having forgotten to mention it at the time it happened, and all will be well.
Or the school will not concur, but the OP will decide they too don’t know her son and are lying.

Either way it won’t be her sons fault.

@Bizzieizz my son is at fault, his reason behind it wasn’t justifiable, when did I ever say my son wasn’t at fault?

I believe my son, he is not a liar and doesn’t like being lied to.

Please think before you type in future.

He is manipulating you. “Oh yes, I did that awful thing but here’s my perfectly valiant reason for doing so”. And you’ve fallen for it hook line and sinker. Why can you simply not accept your son is aggressive, abusive and out of control? You don’t think it’s a coincidence that all these people allegedly “deserved” what he did to them?

You are already watering it down with an excuse that puts him in a good light.

You've invited opinions by posting on here, I am giving you my opinion which is that your son says whatever you want to hear, you hear what you want to hear and you are making a rod for your own back.

I do think before I type. I have quite a lot more I would like to say, but I don’t want to attack you, so I don’t put it.

You have failed from start to finish to really listen to a word. Some of us have children like yours and some of us work with children like yours and yet every one of us is “pathetic” when we say anything.

When will you stop excusing him? When he’s actually hurt someone badly? Or will that too be excusable?

When did this “partner” appear in the thread ? I don’t mean the locked up one who must not be crossed or he will reach out and kill you , I mean the one the OP spoke to this morning.

In the original posting the OP said she was desperate for advice as there was no one else in her life to speak to. Then we got all the independent single parent bit. Child could not be left alone in the house etc. Now suddenly there is a partner, who can look after the child if the OP goes out and is moreover happily suggesting a family day out.( I understand Walford is lovely at this time of year.)

I can’t keep up.

There was always a partner. It's just that OP hadn't told him anything about what was going on and OP's DS has no real relationship with him. It sounds like he just about tolerates him.

So that's a nice healthy relationship, where big problems in life are shared and support is mutual, isn't it?

@lifeissweet

Yes you’re right my son tolerates my partner, he isn’t interested in building a relationship with him.

I am back from food shopping, my son refused to get out of the car, he is just causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I can’t cope with him refusing to do things.

I like my son to be with me at all times, leaving him home alone will only cause me anxiety

The more I read, the more psychologically unstable you seem, @DrainedNFedUp

The way you control your son, your frankly quite worrying 'need' for him and really full on codependence and total lack of boundaries is pretty unnerving.

@Ontheperiphery79

Yes, I suffer from anxiety.

Can I suggest you start on Amazon, with a search for books on parenting teenagers. And you could see if there are parenting classes available in your area.

On the subject of the latest incident, I think there needs to be much ore than a 1 week improvement in his behaviour before your son gets a trip to Leicester Square - or any other treats.

I also think you need to consider why you are happy to categorise him assaulting a teacher or other boys as ‘boys will be boys’, but throwing a glass of water crosses the line for you. Can you see that, by excusing and minimising his behaviour in the past, you have created the current situation? I believe that any violence is unacceptable, and would strongly recommend that you adopt that attitude too.

It’s sometimes ok to type ‘he’ or ‘him’ instead of constantly ‘my son’ I can’t put my finger on why but it comes across as really strange.

You said your son wasn't badly behaved and then conceded that he was after this latest incident.

You are now saying that he wouldn't lie to you...

Do you know your son at all?

Firm boundaries are needed. Plus a bit of freedom for him. He can't learn without having the opportunity and support (rather than suffocation) from you which is probably why he is acting out at school.

@Freshstarts22 because he Mace is my son, I don’t understand why you have an issue with it?

And yes I do know him.

My son has asked me if he can have one of his things back and he’ll go to school on Monday, I said no and he’ll get it back when I say.

Would you class this has him trying to blackmail me or do all boys of his age try this?

It's not blackmail. It's just standard teenage manipulation.

How do you not know this?

Because I’ve never experienced this before…

So I guess he will be refusing school on Monday, I am going to take a break from this site.

You need to hold firm and not give in to what he wants.
Have you asked for an early help?
Have you asked for a referral to child centred policing?