Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Why are you deliberately avoiding saying what job you did that allows you to retire at 33 in such luxury?

Did you work in crime for your scumbag ex? Or just living off the proceeds of it now disguised as child/spousal maintenance?

And I ask again, where the fuck is your shame? Or any sense of social conscience??

its really hard to imagine if you haven’t been through it and your children are not that way inclined. What do you think you would do if you had a school refuser? You can’t make them. You literally can’t. You can punish, remove things, talk to them, have teachers literally in their bedrooms but nobody can pick up a teenage child and carry it into school.

@DrainedNFedUp - I’m sorry but I don’t understand why you think your son assaulting other males is OK because ‘boys will be boys’. If he is violent, does it matter if that violence is directed at other males? Does that make it better somehow?

In my opinion, any violence is unacceptable.

Name calling and throwing water is crossing the line (I agree with this), but actually assaulting a teacher and threatening to kill another one isn’t over the line? I genuinely cannot understand this.

I've had someone close to me be a school refuser. You could see it coming on, few sickies (which they admitted to someone else they were lying about) that escalated. Child with very few boundaries/consequences, rarely heard the word no, indulged and spoilt.

In our house, school was non-negotiable. Always. Plus they had boundaries, and consequences for any poor behaviour.

I'm not saying it's always preventable but in this case I'm pretty sure it was.

If you can't insist a 13 year old goes to school, you aren't going to have much chance when they're 15 or 16.

@lilaco

I have never ever taken a penny from my ex, I allowed him to look after our son, I never ever had to buy anything for him.

And I never ever spend out of the money that is dropped off.

I did not retire from my job, I had to leave due to my own mental health.

@Freshstarts22

Thank you for understanding, I can not make my son do anything he doesn’t want to.

I know this is pretty irrelevant but when my ex was free, I used to care from him 4 days a week and him the other 3 days a week.

Again, you don’t know because you haven’t experienced it. Yours were not school refusers. One of mine was, due to poor mental health after the pandemic. You’re right, I couldn’t make them go at 13 and they had dropped out by 15.
Boundaries and consequences have no effect whatsoever.
Another thing to consider is, at 15 what’s a consequence? I’d have had to prise the home out of child’s hands, which would have turned physical. Stop them going out, they go anyway. If a child is that way inclined at that age you’re pretty powerless.
Mine was a child that was very intelligent, and well behaved when younger. Mental health can play a big part as can SEN which hasn’t been ruled out in OPs case either.
although there are clearly some parenting issues here.

@DrainedNFedUp your son has never witnessed your ex disrespecting you? What do you call committing crimes, going to prison and leaving you a single parent? I’d say that’s pretty disrespectful!

Yes, I agree there are some parenting issues.

I do not know how to parent, I just know how to love and comfort my son.

It’ll be fine in OPs world because that’s how criminals behave. Like the Krays attacking other gangsters but being nice to their Mum and helping little old ladies cross the road 🙄

@Nowhereelsetogo90

I wasn’t left a single parent, I split with my ex many many years ago, when I found out what he was really doing.

And that was that, my ex used to always suggest we do things as a family holidays, days out I always used to decline and he respected that and left me alone.

He did have a partner whom my son was close to and I didn’t mind, my sons happiness is what mattered and will always matter the most.

You need to ask the PRU to open an early help

@DrainedNFedUp so your son saw him put prison/crime over his female partner then? Still same situation that fosters a complete disrespect for human beings, let alone women. Surely you can see that his Dad’s lifestyle and you letting that lifestyle finance your son is what’s caused these issues?!

The pandemic caused all sorts of problems for schoolchildren - that must have been so difficult. I think that was a very different situation and I imagine Covid must have been a major factor?

This was before then though, and I always felt that firmer parenting might have meant a different outcome? This child is extremely bright too - A/A* pupil.

My son wasn’t effected by the pandemic, although he did miss going to school.

I am just going to try again next week now, it’s so draining!

My son has apologised this morning, I have asked him what possessed him to behave like that towards a girl.

Apparently she had been bullying and making nasty remarks to another student who has autism and was unable to stand up for himself.

He said that he is NOT sorry and doesn’t care about her feelings because it’s the truth and is not going to apologise to her.

I understand that he was trying to stick up for someone else, but he shouldn’t have got involved he should have notified a member of staff.

He has asked to go to Leicester Square today, I told him we won’t be going today but we “may” be able to go next week if there’s an improvement in his behaviour.

So he's trying to manipulate you by making out that he's the hero.
Good for you for not falling for it and sticking to your guns.

@TheNefariousOrange

He is not trying to manipulate me, stop being so pathetic. He is not making out that he is a hero either, there is nothing to “fall for” what he did was wrong and disgusting, so he will be on punishment until further notice.

He is manipulating you.

It's sad that you can't see it.

@Pinkflipflop85

Since when is telling the truth “manipulation” he told me the reason behind doing it, I don’t see any manipulation or him “acting as a hero” he has accepted we will not be going out today, the only place we will be going is to the supermarket and he will not be able to choose anything unless he pays with his own money.

But if he has all this money then surely “buys with his own money” is not actually a punishment? He will then just buy treats and not actually miss out?

”You aren’t leaving this house at all” might be a better punishment, because then he can’t buy anything.

Personally I think you are either on a wind up, or one of the most gullible people ever.

Yes, it’s awful he assaulted a girl (throwing water on her is assault btw) but you seem to have shrugged off the bit where he threatened to kill someone!!

@Bizzieizz

I need to do a food shop, I’m not leaving him home alone.

Then tell him he is coming but will not be buying anything! Jesus, you’ve already said he has shed loads of money, so “you can’t have anything unless you buy it” is hardly going to teach him a lesson. He’ll just buy what he wants and you’ll look like an idiot.

I really think you need to wake up. I have visions of this one kid literally ruling the roost, with you rewarding him with threats of violence with Lego.

If this is real, you are being totally manipulated. Do I believe your son was a white Knight for an Autistic child? No I do not. It’s taken a couple of days for that scenario to crop up in his head, and lo and behold, it shows him as a saviour, rather than what he is.
He’d have told you that immediately if that was the case.

I work in a troubled Secondary and believe me, they are all instantly vocal about how “it wasn’t their fault” or “they didn’t do it” they certainly don’t think on it for two days before remembering why they did it

Given the time you have spent posting on this thread, whether you need the money or not I think you should get a job. Your DS will benefit from seeing someone actually work for a living and not have finances given from family inheritance or criminal activity.

Whats the phrase, you’re as clever as the 6 people you spend most time with. I’ll leave you with that thought.