Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

For your child to get his things back, you need to see an improvement in the desired behaviour.

Your child might not believe he is lying. He might believe it is true because of flawed understanding. He might not like being lied to because he needs to know where the boundary is and he might be acting the way he does because every time he tests a boundary, it collapses in front of him, or very quickly. So he has to escalate each time until the boundary does not move. Which, for him, might be when he hits legal ramifications rather than a parenting boundary designed to demonstrate appropriate social skills.

Parenting books - what you get when you search for parenting teens books, @DrainedNFedUp - some look like they might be helpful for you and for your son.

I'm afraid I agree based on your OP. You've made excuses for a lot of the behaviour and minimised. It doesn't surprise me that you've done this given the background you give. But you really need to change this and get tough.

And OP this says it all.

You need to be very careful. You're in real danger of raising someone who, if they aren't pandered to like you do, will become violent. It's already happening. You may be able to resolve this by getting tough and setting boundaries now. But at some point you'll find its gone too far and if you do, he may turn on you. Don't make the mistake of failing to properly parent and inadvertently creating a worse criminal than the father he has.

Right now he needs strong boundaries This doesn't mean taking everything away indefinitely until some time you feel like giving it back.
He needs rules and an understanding that these won't change

By taking his stuff away "until you say so" he will feel out if control and like you, as a bigger person, can exert your will on him arbitraly.

Give him a structure to get his stuff back, then he can see that it's his actions that matter.
For example, go to school all week and be respectful of everyone there to earn one thing back.
Chose your own targets, you don't have to use mine, but put some rules in place so he sees the consequences of good behaviour and hard work instead of seeing that he is so out of control and subject to your whims.

I think this is fantastic advice. Sadly, I suspect the op has vanished after not getting the validation of "poor little soul" she was probably after.

Very stressed out this morning, my son refused to eat breakfast, I gave in and gave him all his stuff back.

Yes, I’m a failure. I think it is best that I ask for this thread to be deleted. I’ve lost control of everything now.

And yet you think he is not manipulating you into getting exactly what he wants. You won't listen to any of the kind and/or straighforward suggestions people on here give without getting defensive and nasty. You won't show him a life where one has to work for and earn luxuries. You won't cut him off from unsavoury "uncles". You won't accept help from charities. A few pages up you said you have your son's "life all planned out", when you can't even get him to go to school or eat breakfast without caving in. Your comments on this whole thread comes off as quite delusional. Sorry to be harsh, but yes, it might be best that you just delete it.

@EasternEcho

Yes, I’m going to contact Mumsnet now.

@DrainedNFedUp throw yourself at the mercy of social services and the PRU and tell them that you’re clueless and out of your depth.

Do what they tell you.

or, let your son carry on, and end up in prison. Or dead.

You relinquished a previous punishment because he - a 13 year old - didn't want breakfast?

You really do need to seek professional help and support with parenting, fast. Are you planning to do that tomorrow?

I'd suggest you reread the whole thread OP, there has been lots of good advice given.
Burying your head in the sand isn't going to make this go away like you want the thread to.

I did contact social services but then I called them and said I no longer needed their help and that I will seek it elsewhere.

OP he won't starve if he misses breakfast. You're new to discipline so it makes sense there's a learning curve, but it's very important to be consistent and follow through so next time don't return stuff until he's done as you've asked (improved behaviour/go to school etc). He's manipulating you (all kids do this) and it's working!
I'm new to the thread but read your posts. I really hope you see some improvement in behaviour, you just need him to understand actions have consequences and this is an important lesson for you to teach him

Or destroying the lives of all people he has future relationships with

I actually feel really sorry for your DS now (if this thread is even real)

And you need to tell them that you DO need them, as you have no idea what you’re doing.

That’s as simple as it is. YOU NEED HELP. YOU ARE NOT A COMPETENT PARENT.

You need help because things are completely out of control and you do not have the ability to rescue things

I do and always did feel sorry for the boy (if he is real). He has a dad in prison, has no proper guidance to disentangle himself from what is probably proceeds of crime, and no proper parenting. He needs help desperately and I think his behaviour is in a way a cry for that help.

How did you get him to 13 and never have disciplined him?

He won't starve for lack of one meal.

So where are you going to seek it?

You backed down because he wouldn’t eat breakfast? No 13 year old will starve to death over one meal. And if he refused to eat it let him sort himself out later. I can see exactly what the issue is here… the slightest pressure or manipulation from him and you fold like paper. Unless you start disciplining him soon he’s likely to have little hope of being a well adjusted and decent adult. You sound like you’re out of your depth and in your position. Id be calling social services back and begging for their help. If you don’t, there’s likely to come a time very soon where his behaviour escalates to the point where you no longer have a say in it.**

@blumppump

I have never had to discipline him.

Are you serious?! He gets excluded so you take him out for the day! And there’s the problem. You’re not parenting him or teaching him about accountability. Stop making excuses for his behaviour, start making him accountable for his actions, get him some therapy and start being a parent.

Not even when he was 2 and doing things that were unsafe?

I find it hard to believe that your child has got to 13 years old and has never done anything requiring discipline from you, @DrainedNFedUp. I suspect that you have simply turned a blind eye to any and all bad behaviour.

But it is not too late - you need to go,back to social services and ask for their help. You need to seek a referral to CAHMS, and ask to be sent on some parenting courses, and you need to start educating yourself in how to parent and discipline your child. A good start might be some of the books I have suggested to you twice now.

And the first thing you need to do is to stiffen your back bone and decide not to give in to your son’s blackmail. When he refused to eat breakfast this morning, your response should have been “OK, that’s your choice” - then go on with your day - not giving him ALL his stuff back! Missing one meal would have done him no harm at all.