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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
Somethingneedstochange78 · 16/03/2023 15:50

Non of his buisness I suspect a bit of green eyed monster. Hates the thought of you moving on with your life and giving DC a sibling.

LifeExperience · 16/03/2023 15:50

I completely disagree with the majority here. He's your ex. Yes, you have to co-parent, but that doesn't mean he has any right to your personal medical information until you're ready to tell him. Period.

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 15:51

You have repeatedly said you find it strange he has raised it via text and not in front of your DP

Because he probably wants to avoid drama, which I suspect you and your DP may relish

webster1987 · 16/03/2023 15:51

I think his message is completely reasonable to be honest. It's the impact it will have on your child's life, and then inadvertently his as well. It shouldn't be for your child to have told him (if he hadn't have seen it on social media first).

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 16/03/2023 15:51

Reugny · 16/03/2023 14:14

Ignore him until you are well over 20 weeks.

Your pregnancy and your current partner are none of his business.

Then once you have your baby keep the child away from him. He has no rights to see or even talk about a child that he is not the parent off.

Oh and in future don't air the life of your children on social media. It can easily be misused.

Keep the baby from him??? Where did he says he wants to see the baby?

While I don’t like his tone, he is right they need to talk about how the new baby will impact their DC, he never said he has to meet the new baby so not sure what you mean by keep the baby away from him.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 15:52

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 15:47

He get together with another partner and she has children… you wait and see

Name change fail?

Show quote history

Plus most men that are feckless fathers completely ditch OG kids when they impregnate a new woman.

They don’t ‘ramp up’ contact with their first kids. Quite the opposite.

Woodywasatwat · 16/03/2023 15:52

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 15:51

You have repeatedly said you find it strange he has raised it via text and not in front of your DP

Because he probably wants to avoid drama, which I suspect you and your DP may relish

Or he’s too much of a coward in front of another man.

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 15:53

Woodywasatwat · 16/03/2023 15:52

Or he’s too much of a coward in front of another man.

Show quote history

Possibly

but 🤷‍♀️ his message is hardly abusive

PhillySub · 16/03/2023 15:53

He said it! - your personal life and personal choices are none of his business -

CatherineCarwoodgoals · 16/03/2023 15:54

100% you should have told him. I am also divorced and exh and I would both tell each other any news like this before social media

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 15:54

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 15:52

Plus most men that are feckless fathers completely ditch OG kids when they impregnate a new woman.

They don’t ‘ramp up’ contact with their first kids. Quite the opposite.

Show quote history

But it is a possibility

and for that reason…. I like to keep everything on an even keel. And that means sometimes saying or doing things for your ex that internally you may not necessarily want to do but best for the children

SparkyBlue · 16/03/2023 15:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't like the tone of the message he sent it's very arsey (can't think of the proper word right now) but he is correct in that you should have said it to him. To be honest I personally don't like those social media pregnancy announcements anyway so i personally can understand why he isn't happy but he has said his piece and just move on from it.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 15:56

The OP is fully aware of what’s best for her children.

She parents them day-in, day-out.

Feckless ex doesn’t even have housing that’s suitable for his child to visit just for the day. You know, when he moved an hour away to such salubrious lodgings.

Greensleeves · 16/03/2023 15:57

I don't think YABU, by the tone of his message (which is high-handed, pompous and dictatorial)

IF you had a proactive and mature co-parenting with the other parent, where communication is frequent and respectful, then I imagine you would be more likely to share news of this sort without it feeling complicated.

That's not the situation here, as I read it. This is a man who has his child once a fortnight and not even overnight. He's written a fucking essay detailing his own entitlement, with a very specific set of demands at the end.

I'd tell him to get in the sea.

NevieSticks · 16/03/2023 15:57

He's not wrong.

TheOrigRights · 16/03/2023 15:57

Your AIBU asks whether you should have told your ex before close family.
Your ex is upset that you posted the news on social media before informing him. So, there's a disjoint there.

Anyway, if you want to have a good co-parenting relationship with your ex then you both need to know about events which will impact your child.

IMO, you did not put your child's welfare first.

AnAussieMum · 16/03/2023 15:58

Yes you should have told him.
My 2 daughters to my ex were not told until after my ex. They were 5 and 6 when I fell pregnant.

I have no relationship at all with my ex I dispise him however didn't want him to find out though the kids and to talk crap about me in front of them so wanted time for him to process it before their next visit with him.

My exact words were " just to let you know before I tell the kids, I'm pregnant"

GiraffeLaSophie · 16/03/2023 15:58

He’s not said that he expected to be told before your close friends and family though, he expected to be told before it was put on social media.

I think he’s right to be honest. We told my partner’s ex wife that I was pregnant the day before we told his children, so that they didn’t feel at any point that they were keeping it from her. They were really pleased (as we’d hoped they’d be!) but obviously if they hadn’t been then that might have caused issues for her too.

I think it’s a common courtesy, personally 🤷🏻‍♀️

MRex · 16/03/2023 15:59

Appreciate he's usually less than optimally involved and annoys you. The thing is that your current DC is his too, and whatever you might think of him as a father it is normal that the DC may express concerns and issues to him on a contact weekend. Equally, however happy you think your DC is about the baby, this is a huge change and likely to bring about some nervousness.

That is why it would have been useful for you to directly inform your DC's father that you are expecting a sibling for DC, DC is now aware and seems fine with it / nervous but ok. With better relationships, you might directly ask him to contact you if DC seems worried at all, but directly informing him is the bare minimum here. You don't need to let him in the house to have a conversation about such a massive change for DC and to keep channels open so you can both effectively support them.

Ribrabrob · 16/03/2023 16:01

Even with all your updates, it’s clear you still should have told him before the social media post.

doesn’t seem like you’ll admit you were in the wrong though, so hey ho… 🤷‍♀️

Keepupandout · 16/03/2023 16:01

You should have told him right after you told your child. Simply because it's a big deal to your mutual dc and he should be ready to discuss it with them.

I wouldn't think a big sit-down discussion is necessary at this point. What on earth would he need to know right now, beyond the fact another dc is on the way?

Threeboysandadog · 16/03/2023 16:03

It would have been kind to have given him a heads up, by text, before you posted on social media. What’s done is done. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 16:03

I’d love to know what he actually wants to talk about in the Big Sit Down Discussion.

I’d agree to that just for the craic.

What would he even have to say?

BeachBlondey · 16/03/2023 16:06

I can't believe you didn't tell him first. To find out on SM, after the rest of the world, is one of the shittiest things I've read on here. His text is very reasonable too.

AlbertaAnnie · 16/03/2023 16:06

He is right - you should have told him. Apologise and move on - good luck with the pregnancy