To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

[Playto]

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

What a beautiful soul you are.

Yabu

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: Yes

OP: No I’m not

Yes, yes you are. You keep asking “why didn’t he bring it up? wah wah wah”. Maybe because, like he said, he expected you to bring it up seeing as it’s your change, your responsibility and your decision. He’s absolutely correct.

I was the other side of this and had two upset children when they returned back to me, full of questions. Had I known or been forwarned even by text before pick up that day I could've been better prepared. You should have told him tbh

The trouble is, this type of attitude is exactly why the connection between ex DPs can turn very toxic, very quickly. To no one’s benefit.
ex DP is clearly a bit miffed. He may or may not have a right to feel this, but there it is. In the interests of reasonable relationships going forward, why not just smooth it over, find out what he’s worried about re DC and smooth it over. Then let everything calm down and hopefully stay calm.

Social media just isn't an appropriate way to communicate something like this to your co-parent.

YADNBU you don’t need to answer to him or anybody else. It’s your news to share with who you wish, when you wish.

I'd tell him to get in the sea.

With not a single thought to the drama that may then escalate and impact on the children involved

Except the OP’s DC didn’t find out through their father, and then go home with lots of questions.

They already knew, and had been talked through it all by their mother.

The virtually absent father has very little no value to actually add here.

I probably would have told my ex before posting on SM (well, I wouldn’t announce it on SM at all), but I can see why the OP didn’t take that route.

He’s barely involved in his child’s life and they haven’t been together in a decade.

He is miffed because he’s thinking of himself. Not his child.

Well he’s got a point. He’s understandably feeling upset that you didn’t let him know. He seems a little overwhelmed though.
perhaps worried about where your first child fits in. Just try to ease his anxiety by letting him know your child is lived and this might also be to his advantage as you might need him to take care of his own child more often, for example.
Anyway congratulations and try to keep things civil. You could do without the stress. Don’t let him cause disharmony though.

If your child lives with you and only goes to him EOW then there was no impact for him to be involved in. If the child usually lives with him then maybe a heads up before telling the child in case there was fall out with how the child felt. But if the child is with you the majority of the time he can jog on.

You seem to have decided that you know an awful lot about what everyone thinks and feels considering you’re not involved. Projecting at all?

This was in his message:
I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.
and
you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life

This was Op’s question to us:
AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

And no mention in the first post of ex seeing dc only twice a month with no sleepovers and living an hour away. Not really fair on us. And, Op, you twisted your AIBU. Your ex did not think he had the right to know before your own close family, he said he should have known before your public social media post. Two very different things unless your social media is contracted and includes your own close family members only and no friends, acquaintances, or extended family members etc. Which would be another drip feed because you didn’t make that clear. As I said in my previous post, I mostly agree with you Op but it is wrong to twist what he said. And if you twisted something we can see right in front of us (his message and your AIBU question) then we can’t judge properly because now we can’t totally trust what you say about the other aspects of the situation that we have no way of verifying.

That said, you may be correct about his character but then again you might not be, it’s one of those posts where we have an unreliable narrator. You stated that he thought he should have been told before close family. No, he said he should have been told before your public social media post. And if now you say only close family were on your social media, then that would really be a drip feed!

I am 100% with your ex, he's written a really fair message there.

I think a text to say « head up this is happening, let’s discuss » would have done the job.

@ReneBumsWombats

everything you need to know about this tosser is in the copy of his message.

he has him 9-5 2 days a MONTH.

OP I initially thought that you were in the wrong here, but having read your updates I have changed my mind!

Different situation but my incredibly controlling, abusive long-term (ex) partner was very skilled at SOUNDING completely reasonable. He was always calm, always dressed whatever controlling shite he was spouting as 'concern' for me, never raised his voice, always managed to make me look like the bad guy/the crazy one to others. I was always being told by people around me that I was lucky and he was such a good, caring man. It sounds like your ex is similar.

Considering the general lack of involvement in DC's life and the fact that he doesn't contact your DC outside of contact days, he 'liked' your FB post and he had two whole weeks to digest the news and (if that was truly his concern) speak to you about how to manage any impact on DC - I really don't see an issue with you not formally telling him. I think I probably would have sent him a heads-up text if it were my ex but only because I would have known it'd otherwise be used against me. But what's done is done - try not to give this any more headspace than it deserves.

@littlecornishsea

really. Try reading it again. This is a bloke that chooses to only see his DS 2 Saturdays a month for 8 hrs.

Happily married and not an aggrieved ex in sight. Certainly not pregnant!

Projecting at all?

Yeah, you didn't need to tell him. He sees his son minimally and I would say that in my reply to him.

This 100%. I can't believe you let him find out on social media tbh. He absolutely deserved to be told properly so he can best support your child together.

There are far too many posters agreeing with OP solely because they also don’t like their ex so they would also have behaved unreasonably. He’s not a bad person, bad father, bad human just because you don’t like your ex, who is in fact an entirely different person. There seems to be a complete disregard for the fact that OP is changing the story as she goes and dripfeeding how awful he is purely to get support because the vote wasn’t going her way. As PP said, she’s an unreliable narrator.

I think it would be different if a Dad who sees his DC for a few hours every other weekend got someone else pregnant and suddenly sprang it on their DC. I’d absolutely expect pre-warning as the Mother that DC will return home perhaps upset and confused filled with questions.

Your ex sees DC for a few hours a month with no overnight visitations, he basically isn’t much of a Dad at all. If your DC had any questions or concerns about the new pregnancy, I’d imagine they’d be most comfortable asking you and already will have done. So I’ll go against the grain here and say you didn’t need to pre-warm him before releasing it on social media. It will affect your child but this isn’t something he will really deal with as an every other weekend for a few hours Dad.

His message is so considered and reasonable that I'm calling reverse.

I voted YWBU but after reading your subsequent messages drip feeds I don’t think you are being unreasonable. This is how these men work. In isolation their actions often seem completely reasonable but in context they build a pattern of behaviour which is all about them and the continued interaction and control they seek to have over the woman. It has zero to do with his child. Guaranteed he’ll be telling anyone who’ll listen that you are the ‘crazy’ one who won’t even sit down with you to discuss your DC.