To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

[Playto]

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

How old is yourDC with him?

I'm interested to know what you think needs to be discussed?

I can't see what would be gained even if he wasn't a controlling arse who is barely involved as a parent.

I can imagine my DH's ex laughing him out the door if he demanded a sit down discussion when she got pregnant!

I think he is right tbh.

I get he might have been unreasonable in a wider context but in these circumstances I think he is completely right.

I think you should have told him but, given his level of pomposity, I can see why he is an ex!

What a cunty thing to say.

Not much of one though is he.

I would definitely have told him
irrespective of his level of parenting

why? Because he could decide to ramp up contact, and my priority is to aways keep a positive and open relationship with my ex. So it’s quid pro quo.

so now… if he does ramp up contact, he will likely not tell you mayor things out of spite

Yabu. He sounds like a great Dad that is genuinely concerned how it will effect DC and is hurt He found out via social media.

I really, really, really don’t think he is going to ramp up contact.

A lot of co parenting is not about necessarily doing what you want to do.

It is about putting aside your own thoughts and feelings and squarely putting children at the centre of everything.

Probably, but it's beside the point.

OP is asking if she should personally tell her child's father that she's having another baby. Of course she should. It's in the child's interests, if nothing else.

Withholding that information because he's an arse isn't in the child's interests and feels like another way of weaponising him.

He sees his child for a few hours every fortnight.

He never has the child to stay over.

He moved an hour away.

’Great Dad’?

Bloody hell, you poor thing.

He is right.

It was disrespectful not to tell him imo.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want to find out on SM if it were you.

If you are parenting your older child together, then you should have informed him, after your close family.

YABVU and you need to grow up.

he is not wrong.

shoe on the other foot, I would have wanted a heads up to support your DC too. I think he was calm and measured in his response

He get together with another partner and she has children… you wait and see

Name change fail?

This post is getting a lot of attention, next this the Daily Fail will pick it up and ex-DPs text will be posted there for people to see!

He sees his child 9-5 two days a month. Doesn’t wake about parents eves or anything else in between. He’s not a great dad.

He sounds like a controlling wanker.

But she did let him know, he found out on SM 2 weeks before his paltry offering of contact.
That imo is good enough.

He wasn't asking to be told before your close family though, just before you plastered it all over SM, which I think is fair enough. so yeah, I think you were wrong not to let him know sooner (or actually, at all properly)

However, his 'tone' in many places is very controlling/supercilious & enough to piss off a Saint.

He's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill & control the situation & I wouldn't be letting him.

I'dreply & (sincerely) apologise that you didn't tell him personally after your family but before SM. Then I'd say 'but there's no need to have a Big Discussion about it. Nothing needs to change & other than being aware that DS has a little sibling it doesn't need to involve/impact him at all.

...unless you think you'll be asking him to have DS more often/while you're giving birth then common sense would say to be a wee bit more friendly!

that tone though, I can fully see why he's your Ex. 🥊

YANBU, especially if he's implying he should have been in on the 'decision'. But I don't think anyone could be that unreasonable.

No, he didn't need some special 'personal' notification. He's certainly bigheaded to think he ranks that high, isn't he? And what is there to discuss unless you are contemplating some sort of change in access, which I assume you are not.

He's just being a controlling knob. Best bet, just ignore him.

The OP does that day-in, day-out.

Feckless ex: not so much.

2 days a month, no overnights and no contact beyond those two days? Yes, he's a prince.

I DID tell my ex just as I told my parents, after my DC. BUT only after 20 weeks. Noone else's business before that he has PLENtY of time to discuss this with his daughter and support her he's being petulant and using your child as an excuse.

He sees the kid once a fortnight, and doesn’t even have the child stay over.

He moved an hour away.

Why would he ‘ramp up’ contact? He does the absolute bare minimum he can get away with.

And no - I’m not the OP.