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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:27

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:22

I don't understand why he would need that though. Just to make himself feel important and relevant?

OP made sure he knew in plenty of time before seeing the DC. That's perfectly adequate.

Show quote history

Erm no maybe because he's the child's father and with good coparenting comes good communication, and just a simple heads up that their shared DC was getting a sibling.

Let's say ex-DPs school friend seen the post days before ex-DP did. They bump into each other at the local pub and friend says awww I see little Jimmy is going to be a big brother. Just a bit like eh???!! for ex-DP when it's his child's life they are talking about, and a big change happening in it.

Hochjochhospiz · 16/03/2023 15:29

Well there's obviously a lot of back story there and various issues but I think you should have told him before putting it on social media.
He should have been told after your close family.

gkhg · 16/03/2023 15:30

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 15:25

I suspect he’s one of these clever controlling men who can appear very reasonable to everyone else except the person he is trying to control.

Yes, my thoughts exactly! My ex to a t

LeatherSkirt82 · 16/03/2023 15:30

I'm afraid I'm with those saying you should have told him. He should have found out at the same time or before DC so that he can provide appropriate support to DC. So unless DC found out from social media - he should have known at the same time. This would not apply only in case of highly hostile relationship - but if it was me, I'd be quite upset that I wasn't told something that was/is a major news/change for my DC (regardless of it being positive or negative).

Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 15:33

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla Bingo. He has form for acting the 'reasonable and articulate' type, when he is anything but. He wanted access to my home to look after our DC on is contact weekends, because he doesn't have anywhere suitable to have our DC. The same situation occurred, how unreasonable I am to disallow him access to my house, our poor DC not being able to have access to a house (mine!) during his contact weekends. The same pattern of being so 'reasonable' and me so 'unreasonable' occurred when he didn't want to pay CMS ordered child support.

He chose to move an hour away, so he's not going to bump into people who will randomly tell him. He also saw the social media post the same day as everyone else, he liked it, and had two weeks before seeing - or speaking to - DC to bring it up to me. Instead he sends that message 2 weeks on. He has no concern for DC at any other time, so it is strange to me.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 16/03/2023 15:33

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 15:25

I suspect he’s one of these clever controlling men who can appear very reasonable to everyone else except the person he is trying to control.

I agree with this, many posts on here saying how reasonable he is, this is what abusers do, charm everyone around them.

Having said that, I would have still contacted him first, but I can understand why you didn't.

Backstreets · 16/03/2023 15:34

Voted YANBU as I didn’t like his message (I’d have picked up the phone if I were him…) and it also kind of gave me the idea you’re not very close, friendly co parents as later confirmed. Appreciate I’m in the minority though.

MsMarch · 16/03/2023 15:34

It seems to me that OP didn't tell him because he routinely displays little interest in any of the things that are happening in their DC's life, turns up only occasionally and has, in the past, used any small thing to discredit her and beat her down.

Unfortunately, in this instance, OP, you should have said something. If only to maintain the moral high ground.

In a normal world, I'd tell you to apologise and then say that there's nothing more to discuss but I'm hesitant to suggest that if the man has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour. But you certainly don't need to have a conversation about his this impacts your DC, and certainly not now.

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:34

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:27

Erm no maybe because he's the child's father and with good coparenting comes good communication, and just a simple heads up that their shared DC was getting a sibling.

Let's say ex-DPs school friend seen the post days before ex-DP did. They bump into each other at the local pub and friend says awww I see little Jimmy is going to be a big brother. Just a bit like eh???!! for ex-DP when it's his child's life they are talking about, and a big change happening in it.

Show quote history

It is pretty much impossible to have good co-parenting with a controlling ex who isn't interested in their child at all between the 2 days a month they see them.

I'm sure OP would have good communication with him if he wasn't controlling.

His only concern should be how to help his DC if support is needed not whether anyone else knew first or that he didn't get a special message. He has 2 weeks to prepare himself, do some reading about new siblings etc. Getting a personalised message wouldn't have helped him to prepare any better.

CeliaNorth · 16/03/2023 15:35

YAVVU for posting your ex's private message to you all over the internet. You should hope he never finds out. I'd go ballistic if I discovered someone had published my private messages for all to see.

ladykale · 16/03/2023 15:36

Reugny · 16/03/2023 14:14

Ignore him until you are well over 20 weeks.

Your pregnancy and your current partner are none of his business.

Then once you have your baby keep the child away from him. He has no rights to see or even talk about a child that he is not the parent off.

Oh and in future don't air the life of your children on social media. It can easily be misused.

That's ridiculous, of course it's relevant to him.

Becoming a sibling is a big deal for his child...

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:36

You're still going on about him having 2 weeks to digest it. That's not his issue. His issue is you could have just told him. Most people in the comments and on the voting are agreeing with the ex.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:36

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:27

The child wasn't a go between in any way, shape or form. OPs ex knew for 2 weeks before seeing their child.

Show quote history

Via social media. He could easily have missed it and anyway, as the child's other parent, he really should have been told specifically, to make certain he knew and to keep proper communication channels open.

He may well be a total arse, but OP has asked if she should have told her child's father about this, and the simple answer is yes.

TiredButDancing · 16/03/2023 15:36

Playto · 16/03/2023 15:33

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla Bingo. He has form for acting the 'reasonable and articulate' type, when he is anything but. He wanted access to my home to look after our DC on is contact weekends, because he doesn't have anywhere suitable to have our DC. The same situation occurred, how unreasonable I am to disallow him access to my house, our poor DC not being able to have access to a house (mine!) during his contact weekends. The same pattern of being so 'reasonable' and me so 'unreasonable' occurred when he didn't want to pay CMS ordered child support.

He chose to move an hour away, so he's not going to bump into people who will randomly tell him. He also saw the social media post the same day as everyone else, he liked it, and had two weeks before seeing - or speaking to - DC to bring it up to me. Instead he sends that message 2 weeks on. He has no concern for DC at any other time, so it is strange to me.

If it's any consolation, SIL's ex thinks she's unreasonable to not allow him access to her house during the week .... in the two hours between him finishing work and fetching their DC!

Mumsanetta · 16/03/2023 15:37

My initial thoughts were that, yes, you should have texted him personally to let him know but after your updates I can see why you didn’t. Particularly how given how little interest he actually shows in your DC. Ditto the advice above refusing the sit down chat, ask him to set out all of his concerns in an email for you to consider.

whynotwhatknot · 16/03/2023 15:37

he doesnt have his dc overnight? so hes not really going to help out whnyou go into labour etc

what exactly does he want to discuss then if he has no interest usually

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 16/03/2023 15:38

Sorry but I agree with him. You didn’t need to tell him early on but certainly before a social media post! He’s the father of your DC who will be impacted by your pregnancy and their new sibling. I don’t understand telling young kids and social media at 12 weeks either tbh, but that’s probably due to having two close friends who have had second trimester losses. Six months is a very long time for children to worry about a new sibling and how their life will change. His message is reasonable and I think you owe him an apology and a discussion.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 15:39

Wow.

I am going to really go against the grain on this one, it seems.

I voted YANBU based on the OP alone. That message was very condescending / sanctimonious. It got my back right up, and I don’t even know the man.

But then further information comes to light.

This man sees his child once a fortnight.

The child doesn’t stay over with his father. Never stays over.

You haven’t been in a relationship in ~ a decade.

He doesn’t (or didn’t) live somewhere that was suitable for a child to visit, even just for a few hours (child doesn’t stay overnight - so a bed wasn’t even needed, and it still wasn’t suitable?).

This man barely qualifies as a parent.

And he thinks he needs to sit you down and tell you how to parent your child?

Two weeks after he found out the so-called ‘troubling’ information?

I started the thread thinking YANBU. And I think it even more at this point.

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:39

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:36

Via social media. He could easily have missed it and anyway, as the child's other parent, he really should have been told specifically, to make certain he knew and to keep proper communication channels open.

He may well be a total arse, but OP has asked if she should have told her child's father about this, and the simple answer is yes.

Show quote history

He didn't miss it though. OP has said he liked it the same day as it was posted.

If he hadn't seen it and OP didn't then let him know before he went saw the DC, you would have a point, but that isn't what happened.

Pythonhyphen · 16/03/2023 15:39

10/10 for the drip feeds as many thought you to be unreasonable. I'd be annoyed if I was him.

diddl · 16/03/2023 15:39

It's obvious from the text that he's controlling & almost can't bear that his permission wasn't asked first.

He's not calling the shots & he can't stand it!

whynotwhatknot · 16/03/2023 15:40

sounds like my dsis ex-very calm and measured but its all about control

Dontletitsnow · 16/03/2023 15:41

Yabu. I agree with him.

Sierra26 · 16/03/2023 15:41

I think you should have told him, particularly so he was equipped at an earlier stage to help your shared DC deal with any thoughts/feelings they were having about it

Stravaig · 16/03/2023 15:41

Given you apparently chose so badly last time around, are you confident you've done your due diligence when selecting this latest co-parent, OP?

People who can't admit when they're in the wrong tend to make the same mistakes over and over again.