To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

[Playto]

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

Then I guess I'm stupid and an idiot like the majority of the other posters then. Rather that than resort to name calling on an open forum.

In 10 years’ time, the OP’s child will be at least 20, and probably not going to his feckless father’s place for the weekend with the sibling who’s no relation to said feckless waster (who can’t even put a roof over his child’s head).

It's his child's sibling! they might want to hang out together in the future with the ex there!

I’m with your ex in this

Where are you getting that from?

No one can know the kids reaction yet! Maybe at some point they may be upset
about their place in the family but that’s up to op to reassure them. The baby may be easy and slot straight into their family life and so other than mum being busier they enjoy their little sibling. Or it may be really hard for a miriade of reasons and the kids will need picking up from school or being looked after but given he doesn’t have them overnight, I going to guess he will not be picking up the slack.

You’re not going to know until it’s happening.

@MysteryBelle Just to be precise, the discussion he says he wants is not about him. Remember in his message he said this is how he feels and nothing more needs to be said (about how he feels about not being told before public social media post). So, the discussion is about impact on dc and how things will change. That’s what he said. Now, think. How would he be involved at all in how things might change unless he wants to discuss seeing dc more often. Does that not make sense? The fact is, Op has twisted what ex said in his message, a message we have right in front of us. So, if we can see how she twisted ex’s words that we have in front of our eyes, how can we then trust anything she says about ex that we can’t verify?

I've been asking him for 8 years to see his DC more. He doesn't have anywhere suitable to have them overnight. He absolutely does not want to see his DC more. Even in the realms of fantasy that he might want to, his relationship with our DC is irreparably damaged where I doubt DC would want to stay overnight. It's only been recently that DC has stopped crying and being upset about having to see his dad.

I haven't twisted what he has said. If he wants to find out before the SM post, then he puts himself on the same pedestal as our close friends and family (albeit he potentially doesn't realise that's what he's done).

I can’t quite believe you don’t see how totally unreasonable you have been. I initially thought this must be a reverse.

I also find it difficult to believe that you would be just fine finding out on social media that your child was going to get a sibling.

The bar for men is so low. Imagine a Mum who only spent about 16 hours a month with their child and had no interest outside of that time, being called a great mum! Would never happen.

Congratuations!

If you shared no children - it would not be his business.

As your news is very important to the child you share - and you will expect him to support your child through this if/when it gets difficult - you were unfair (on your child) not to tell ex-P.

This is definitely one of those OPs where you need to know the actual situation to judge because the message from dad sounded (mostly) reasonable although does give off some controlling vibes in the demands to meet and discuss.

Obviously with the new context, he sounds like an arsehole who is just trying to exert further control.

I still would have just sent a quick text 'Just to give you the heads up that I'm pregnant, told Tommy and putting it on Facebook tomorrow'.

He definitely doesn't need a bloody meeting to discuss this pregnancy but again, an engaged and reasonable dad might to suss out a game plan of how to support their child if they were struggling with it.

No it's none of his business just as it's none of yours if he chooses to have another child.

I have an ex of a similar type, puts himself first all the time but loves to posture as an engaged father.

I fully sympathize with your position that from a technical perspective him finding out on social media makes no real-life difference to his parenting, so you didn’t “need” to tell him.

But you are also quite aware that your ex loves to make a meal out of any perceived slight to him or “failure” of parenting on your part. And then he will cause a drama, which has obviously weighed on your mind enough to cause you to post here for backup and has ended up with you having to defend your position.

So making a choice to be irreproachable in the way you communicate with your ex isn’t about acquiescing to his control. It’s about denying him the opportunity for him to drum up a drama and to use your co-parenting relationship as a weapon.

Its a choice you can make to preserve your own peace of mind because you know it’s going to be upsetting for you when he starts swanning around acting like an aggrieved victim, even though the reality is that he can barely be bothered to parent in the first place

My goodness, I don’t think she does expect him to support their child through anything.

Given that he sees their child for a few hours a month, moved an hour away, and doesn’t even have a place suitable for the child to visit.

The OP is doing all the ‘supporting’. By the way, it’s a new sibling, not a terminal illness.

I'm with him you should definitely told him before social media announcement. You should have told him when you told your dc.

@TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand My goodness, I don’t think she does expect him to support their child through anything.

I've long since given up expecting anything.

Well, given he can’t even put a roof over your child’s head, that’s hardly surprising.

The message he sent is very reasonable and I 100% agreed with it and was shocked you hadn't told him and that you could see a problem with it. However, I didn't know he only saw his DC once a fortnight for one day. That isn't the behaviour of an active involved parent like the message is. An hour isn't too far for him to spend the weekend at his dad's, what's the problem there? Does he live in shared accommodation? Can he not afford to live alone near you and his child or is there another reason?

Is it because he doesn't want to say anything when my DP is there and prefers to send long text messages directly to me?

Of course he doesn’t want to say anything when your DP is there because it’s between you and him and that conversation should be just you two.

If I needed to speak to my ex about our child then I would not be doing it in front of his girlfriend as it’s between us.

Do you have to tell him that you’re expecting - no.

Should you have told him - yes.

My brother and his ex have an awful relationship but she still text him saying she was having another baby.

When you co-parent there are some things that you share that you wouldn’t if they were just a regular ex.

I agree with him - a heads up before posting it on social media would have been the polite thing to do. I think that his message to you is calm and well written - telling you why he is upset and asking to discuss it with you in person. Sounds like he cares about your shared child and how you can both help them adjust to this life change.

If he wants to find out before the SM post, then he puts himself on the same pedestal as our close friends and family (albeit he potentially doesn't realise that's what he's done).

But this is making the news all about you and the people you value, and a way to show your ex is low on the totem pole. Your son doesn't feature at all. You're weaponising it too.

Your ex may be an arse, and he may be milking this, and telling him in advance directly may not have made any difference to him in that he'd still be a shit about it. But it would still be in your son's interests to make sure his father knows about the upcoming life change rather than finding out on social media. It's not a terrible heinous sin or anything, but you asked...and your son is more important than maintaining some sort of personal hierarchy.

The message he sent is very reasonable

It’s only reasonable if you think it’s reasonable.

Equally, it’s sanctimonious and condescending.

Interesting how people’s perceptions differ.

Yep, so low its scraping goddam floor. It is so depressing to see.

Yes you should have given him a ring before you put it up if you were telling your DC before that presumably?

So it should have gone DC - DC's dad, then social media post.

Even just a text

While I can agree that a heads up to ex-DP before he sees DC is a good idea, is sharing it on social media, that she knows he sees, not the same thing?

As it is, he knew before he saw his DC and was able to talk to them about it. I'm not sure it deserved a special announcement, especially for him.

I'd not take most of his message too personally though. Just say "I thought you would see the facebook post when I announced it. If you were seeing DC after I'd told them but before I'd announced it to others, of course I would have told you."

His last paragraph is really bizarre though!

Yes, a new sibling will be a new experience for your DC, but what is he expecting will happen?? Your arrangements with your ex continue as they are and the only thing to be considering practically is what will happen to your DC if they're with you when you go in to labour. That's your decision though. If it happens on "your" time with them, it's your decision who looks after them.