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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 16/03/2023 16:44

What support is it he thinks he's going to provide? What questions is he going to answer?

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 16:44

RudsyFarmer · 16/03/2023 16:42

I find your attitude really bizarre. Of course it’s going to affect your children and of course it would have been the decent thing to inform your ex so at the very least he could work out how to support his and your children going forward.

Work out how to support them in the few hours a month he has them - after he moved an hour away from them - to a house that isn’t suitable for them to visit, do you mean?

NameChangePoP · 16/03/2023 16:44

jemimapuddlepluck · 16/03/2023 16:32

He wont be supporting his child at all though will he? He doesn't see him enough. Why would you write something so stupid?

Show quote history

If the OP hadn't drip fed and left our pertinent bits of information then my reply may have been a little different.

But the fact of the matter is, they share a child. He sees the child, and therefore should have been told when the child was told so he can support the child through whatever feelings they may have.

And absolutely no need for your shitty comment either.

Adviceneeded234 · 16/03/2023 16:44

op, you know those posts where the op asks for advice, gets it but then comes back with loads of buts? See where I’m going with this

mumsnet= op in the nicest way, you are wrong.

you= 5-10 more posts but but but

what more is there to this? Controlling or not it would be the decent/right thing to do.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t let this ruin it

isitjustmey · 16/03/2023 16:46

mehhh it's none of his business and him finding out on SM is still him finding out.

Herja · 16/03/2023 16:46

He's not even a coparent. He does jack shit: barely sees his son, no overnights, no interest in his life (school, friends etc.).

If, IF, he was actually a coparent, then sort of fair enough (though his tone is still pompous and condecending as hell. Reminds me a lot of my ex in tone, but at least he backs it up with actual parenting...). As it is, he's just another wasteman who has bugger all input into his son's life. Why on earth would he need to know before other people? He's not exactly going to be there as emotional support for DS; labour childcare; extra overnights in the first week, etc. is he?! 😆The man can only be bothered to see him for 9 hours out of 336 as it is.

Fuck it and fuck him. Send him a thumbs up emoji, then another message following saying 'I cant think of anything that needs discussing just now, so thanks but no thanks to the meeting suggestion. I'm sure you'll let me know as and when anything occurs to you'. Then sit back and relax.

Adviceneeded234 · 16/03/2023 16:46

Almost 823 out of the 968 have said YABU.

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 16:47

Playto · 16/03/2023 16:38

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

What I meant by this is, his expectation to be told at the same time as DC, our parents, siblings... he found out at the same time as our wider extended family and friendship circle (aunts, uncles, colleagues) and the like. With two weeks to prepare and absorb the news before he saw DC.

I didn't think it was necessary to include all the details of our co-parenting and previous relationship in the OP, though I can see that's really important in hindsight! If he was an involved, caring father, then yes I would agree I am unreasonable and should have told him. It's the fact I know all the backstory, how little he is actually involved with our DC and the true motivations behind his text message (to be controlling and sanctimonious) that I can see right through it.

Now see, you did it again. Your ex didn’t say he expected to find out at same time as dc, your parents and siblings. He said you should have told him before your public social media post and you’ve confirmed that circle includes wider extended family, friends, colleagues, and the like. So, you’ve done exactly what I said you might have done. You twisted what he said. Now, if you have twisted his message that we can see right in front of us, why should we believe anything else you say? You are an unreliable narrator.

Delphinium20 · 16/03/2023 16:48

YANBU

Your ex sounds very controlling. As you've not been with him for over a decade, and he rarely sees his child, why does he deserve some special treatment about your life?

Adviceneeded234 · 16/03/2023 16:48

@Herja sounds like you are bringing your personal situation into this - what is going on I hope you are ok (I mean this genuinely) but ops ex is not your ex

Springbluebell · 16/03/2023 16:48

Sorry I’m with your ex. Very level headed message and valid points. YABU

Sqqueeeeeeee · 16/03/2023 16:49

Adviceneeded234 · 16/03/2023 16:46

Almost 823 out of the 968 have said YABU.

Yes but certain posters have commented their opinion agreeing with the OP 6382862819 times and argued with every single person who thinks she’s BU so clearly the vote doesn’t count 😂

YouWithoutEnd · 16/03/2023 16:49

Personally I think I would have told my existing DC’s dad before the generic Facebook post. Maybe not before my own immediate family (parents, siblings, etc), but he’d certainly have come before Sheila and Margaret from three jobs ago and the woman I know from Yoga and school drop offs.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 16/03/2023 16:51

He sounds hard work from your updates. Yes, you should have told him out of courtesy before the fb announcement, if only a quick heads up text, but I really can't see why he needs to have a sit down discussion about how it's going to affect him. He is taking the opportunity, becaue you didn't text beforehand, to make it all about him. Just apologise for not letting him know first, but don't get involved in conversations about how this is going to work.

whittingtonmum · 16/03/2023 16:53

Given his history of controlling behaviour I would respond saying that the contact times with his DC will not change so you do not see any need to discuss this matter further. You are 100% confident that you can support your DC well through this change in circumstances when he is with you and hope that ex-dp will be able to do the same when DC is with him.

jemimapuddlepluck · 16/03/2023 16:54

Adviceneeded234 · 16/03/2023 16:44

op, you know those posts where the op asks for advice, gets it but then comes back with loads of buts? See where I’m going with this

mumsnet= op in the nicest way, you are wrong.

you= 5-10 more posts but but but

what more is there to this? Controlling or not it would be the decent/right thing to do.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t let this ruin it

No, if he is a controlling man, she doesn't need to be decent at all.
WTF is happening? A man who chooses to see his child for a few hours a month is going to offer no support at all.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 16:54

OP - bottom line: you know what he’s like.

if you want to dial down the drama in your own life - and keep his sanctimonious carpings to a bare minimum - it probably would have been worth giving him a heads-up on this.

What’s done is done now, though.

Newyearnewmeow · 16/03/2023 16:56

If he is all that you say he is then sod him.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 16:56

whittingtonmum · 16/03/2023 16:53

Given his history of controlling behaviour I would respond saying that the contact times with his DC will not change so you do not see any need to discuss this matter further. You are 100% confident that you can support your DC well through this change in circumstances when he is with you and hope that ex-dp will be able to do the same when DC is with him.

Great advice for moving forward ^^

jemimapuddlepluck · 16/03/2023 16:56

NameChangePoP · 16/03/2023 16:44

If the OP hadn't drip fed and left our pertinent bits of information then my reply may have been a little different.

But the fact of the matter is, they share a child. He sees the child, and therefore should have been told when the child was told so he can support the child through whatever feelings they may have.

And absolutely no need for your shitty comment either.

Show quote history

Yeah there was. Too many idiots on this thread to quote every one of them. If you agree this man, who sees his child for a few hours a month, deserves anything from the op, you are stupid. It's not about the child is it? Or he would see him more lol.

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 16:58

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 16/03/2023 16:51

He sounds hard work from your updates. Yes, you should have told him out of courtesy before the fb announcement, if only a quick heads up text, but I really can't see why he needs to have a sit down discussion about how it's going to affect him. He is taking the opportunity, becaue you didn't text beforehand, to make it all about him. Just apologise for not letting him know first, but don't get involved in conversations about how this is going to work.

Just to be precise, the discussion he says he wants is not about him. Remember in his message he said this is how he feels and nothing more needs to be said (about how he feels about not being told before public social media post). So, the discussion is about impact on dc and how things will change. That’s what he said. Now, think. How would he be involved at all in how things might change unless he wants to discuss seeing dc more often. Does that not make sense? The fact is, Op has twisted what ex said in his message, a message we have right in front of us. So, if we can see how she twisted ex’s words that we have in front of our eyes, how can we then trust anything she says about ex that we can’t verify?

Iflyaway · 16/03/2023 16:58

I agree with him.

10 years down the line he might be having them both for the weekend or some such.
He has a right to know that his life will be impacted by this.

Naunet · 16/03/2023 16:58

If he parented 50/50 I would absolutely agree with him, but a Disney dad who only sees his child every other weekend with no over nights? Not so much.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/03/2023 16:59

I think he is over the top. Yes, you should have told him. Social media is no guarantee that he’d see it. But he did. What’s there to discuss presently. As long as your dc are happy with the news, there’s nothing much you can do in advanced. So tell him him, yes let’s sit down on Saturday. And let him ask what about xx and z and you can say, it’s months away, we won’t know.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 17:00

Iflyaway · 16/03/2023 16:58

I agree with him.

10 years down the line he might be having them both for the weekend or some such.
He has a right to know that his life will be impacted by this.

He doesn’t even have his own child overnight, let alone the weekend…..?

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