To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

[Playto]

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

None of that means you aren’t projecting… you could have had a deadbeat dad, your DSis or friend could be going through a shitty divorce… 😂

He wont be supporting his child at all though will he? He doesn't see him enough. Why would you write something so stupid?

He absolutely deserved to be told properly so he can best support your child together.

This is said as though a parent has terminal cancer or something. It’s a new sibling, something plenty of kids have at some stage and the child will be fine.

No need to make things up.

I agree with the OP, and I’m happy married with no annoying exes that I co-parent with.

The only person I co-parent with is DH, and it’s our shared children with whom we both live.

As I said before, in the OP’s shoes, I would have told him before SM (I wouldn’t have announced anything on SM), but I can see why the OP took the route she did.

To add to my comment, he says he wants to discuss things with you. As pp pointed out, there’s nothing to discuss unless he would like to see his dc more often. That’s what I think he is getting at. It would make his entire message make even more sense. He said how he felt and said nothing more needs to be said about that, so the discussion is to be about the impact on dc and how things might change, and so how would he as dc’s father be involved in that? if he gets to spend more time with his dc. Just a thought. Op may say ex does not want to see dc. But we simply don’t know that for sure because she has twisted her AIBU by twisting what ex said in his message. He didn’t say he should have been told before close family. Just before public social media post.

No it’s not, it’s sanctimonious and condescending.

Nothing in there was “made up”. Just because something doesn’t apply to you personally doesn’t mean it’s made up, lots of PP have said they also have an abusive, evil, controlling ex that they would hide their pregnancy from.

Fucking. Hell. In your desperation to make this loser appear like a good person you are literally making shit up. Why do you feel the need to do this? It's fascinating.

It’s something that plenty of children really struggle with, especially with a half-sibling.

But why?? It’s not even a respect thing. I don’t get any reason at all why he needed to be told in a special kind of way

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

What I meant by this is, his expectation to be told at the same time as DC, our parents, siblings... he found out at the same time as our wider extended family and friendship circle (aunts, uncles, colleagues) and the like. With two weeks to prepare and absorb the news before he saw DC.

I didn't think it was necessary to include all the details of our co-parenting and previous relationship in the OP, though I can see that's really important in hindsight! If he was an involved, caring father, then yes I would agree I am unreasonable and should have told him. It's the fact I know all the backstory, how little he is actually involved with our DC and the true motivations behind his text message (to be controlling and sanctimonious) that I can see right through it.

But none of that applies.

Maybe I’m not ‘projecting’ but just seeing it from another angle.

The man sounds like an uninvolved, sanctimonious, controlling arse.

I don’t need to have been somehow hard done by in life to see that.

In fact, maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by decent men, that this seems so insidious to me.

The drip feeds come whenever the OP doesn’t get early responses that she wants and expected

How old is your DC?

Fucking. Hell. In your desperation to insist this man you’ve never met must be an evil, you’re also making shit up. OP has given limited, biased and flat-out inconsistent information. Why do you feel the need to do this? It’s fascinating.

I think YABVVVU.

If you didn't share a dc then he doesn't need to know at all.

But your dc is about to have a huge life-changing thing happen, and you should have told their dad so that he can be prepared to answer any and all questions the dc might have.

Eh? At what point have I said he is evil???

YABU - I think he made his point perfectly rationally and if you can’t take on board what he is saying, then you are the problem here.

Of course, it’s happy news for your kids, but will inevitably lead to some ‘big feelings’ for your DC. It affects your kids- it’s a big life event. I’d want to know too.

he even makes the point that you announced on Facebook, so it’s not like you want to keep it a secret.

why were you so desperate to omit speaking to him directly about it? I get the impression you are making a point of not telling him..like you want to disrespect him.

If he was an active and involved father, I could understand him being concerned about this. But seeing as he doesn't give a shit about anything else regarding his son, fuck him. It's none of his business. He's just annoyed that he had to learn about your exciting news from SM.

Tell him there is nothing to discuss. Your new baby won't have any impact on your son seeing his father 2 days a month. 🙄

@MysteryBelle He doesn't want to see his DC more and even if he did, he has chosen to live somewhere unsuitable to enable this. I have argued for him for the past 8 years for him to see DC more. This is all faux concern for our DC.

How old is your child you have with him??

How old is your child? I think a lot depends on that, if it's a young child who might want to talk about it, be reassured a bit or check dad is OK then I'd say it would be good to give him a heads up, if the child is 17 and busy with their own life no need to. I'm not sure where the cut off would be but I think it depends on the child.

I find your attitude really bizarre. Of course it’s going to affect your children and of course it would have been the decent thing to inform your ex so at the very least he could work out how to support his and your children going forward.

*child not children

YABU He should have been told earlier.