Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Absolutely not perfect all the time. Far from it. But when I cock up I own it. And I saw sorry to my kid.

But my cock ups have never included putting a 4 year old in time out for not getting dressed and cancelling a day out. Aside from anything perhaps if you hadn’t done that you wouldn’t have been too late to go.

Shes 4. She has no concept of time. Or long term consequences. Because 4.

You messed up. All parents do. Own it. Admit it. Learn from it. Or keep blaming your 4 year old. Whatever works for you.

My daughter used to quote Dance Mums
' you have reached your destination, welcome to procrastination station' she was the world's worst if she could get away with it, I used to be very firm with her in getting tasks done, then we would have a cuddle, I would say thank you for doing that and off we would go. You just have to make it happen, if she protests at being helped , tell her you wouldn't need to help if she did it on time, and you don't want her to miss out on her treat.

Firstly, young children have no idea of time when they are playing, they are in their dream world. Secondly, you are the parent not a friend to suggest she do things, no tv or playing with toys until she is ready to go out. Does she have a clock with a face so she can start to understand time. Make it a race as to who can dress the fastest.

Urgh been there. Visual Timer and star chart. Set it for 5 minutes if she gets dressed in time she gets a start sticker. Or make it into a race who can get dressed the quickest.

@niugboo I always say sorry if I’ve messed up, I have no problem with that and respect her for the person she is. I didn’t put her in time out for not getting ready, that on its own. As I said, it’s the ways she speaks recently, the refusals, the defiance etc. I also didn’t cancel the day out and we went and had a nice time, as I said above. I don’t feel I’ve cocked up, what I need is ideas how to deal with a headstrong child, who recently doesn’t do as she’s asks, doesn’t listen, answers back and basically is beginning to really rule the roost.
But thanks anyway for your advice.

@Hankunamatata Yes, we did have a chart for a while and it did help, will try that again, thank you 🙏

It really isn't necessary to appropriate every single activity as a learning opportunity. There's plenty of situations where persuasive and other life skills can be taught. Sometimes its more important to just get the job done. My DC are all adults and I regularly implemented this sort of 'terrible advice' when required. All are well adjusted and two have careers requiring persuasive skills.

I have an extremely mature for her age 3 year old DD. Sometimes I have to remind myself she is only 3. I probably would have gotten just as frustrated but as others have said, children are easily distracted. I would have reminded her of what's occurring that day and ask her if she still wants to go to the cafe. When she inevitably says yes, I would have then excitedly said 'well come on then, we're going to the cafe soon, let's get you ready shall we'. Your daughter probably didn't have the outing in her mind at that moment and was focusing on playing with the toy.
I understand where your frustration came from but I do also think you were a bit harsh.

I've got a 5 year old and have to stand over him and chivvy him along or there is zero chance of him getting dressed.

Ha, I know what you mean! The most parenting guilt I have is when I don’t get my reaction balance - when I under/overreact to 3-4yo behaviour (and it’s entirely on me and in my control).

I try to offer consistency in my reactions so nothing is ever a surprise, but ofc I don’t get it 100% right.

Example - DS currently pushing boundaries with stuff he picks up from nursery. If I do something goofy to make him laugh and he says “silly mummy” that’s fine. Not ideal, but correct in context.
This morning he was a bit put out when I asked him to leave the kitchen and he said “stupid mummy”. I stopped what I was doing, looked at him and asked with a stern voice “Excuse me??” He scuttled off shouting “sorry, sorry”.

Be stern (but emotionless) with stuff that really matters - manners, bad language, apologising, trying to boss adults around. Apply immediate proportionate consequences if not listened to/not apologised to (e.g. TV off until a genuine apology - with eye contact and a smile. A stroppy “sorreeeeh” doesn’t count). Then a cuddle and a move on.

I’m waffling, but I hope you get the gist. You got this, OP! You will get your balance and parenting confidence back.

*Asked

Honestly OP, you need to learn to parent your child, its that simple 🤷‍♀️
You are the adult, she is the child 🤷‍♀️

@7Worfs Thank you, I feel like I do these things but since school, it’s been harder.

@RibenaMonsoon Yes, I did keep reiterating about the ice cream, it made no difference.

Hi - I just wanted to message to say I can totally relate to this all. I have similar struggles with my 5 year old and getting her dressed daily and it is tough!! Unless you’ve experienced it it’s maybe hard for some people to understand.

I came to read the comments to try and pick up some tips and got a few.

i just keep calm, have comfy easy clothes available that won’t cause an issues, and get ready 30 mins to 1 hour before I need to to allow for any meltdowns! But even doing all these it’s still never smooth running!

hope things improve for you
x

You double punished and took no responsibility for your part in it.

Model the behaviour you want.

@Namechangehereandnow 👍
Amazing how I’ve survived nearly 5 years..parenting my child.

And also she’s FOUR.

I still helped at 4, it can seem like a big job to a little one. And at 11 and 15 now they are certainly capable of buttoning their shirts so it didn't harm them

@niugboo I KNOW

Can you step off my thread please, it’s not helpful advice, just patronising.
Please come to my home and see how Dd has began to act recently and I’m sure she’d listen to you and you would do everything perfectly 👍😂

Of course she wouldn’t. Because she’s FOUR.

👍Night @niugboo

Posts wanting feedback. Throws toys out when gets feedback.

problem solved.

OP she seems very in control and capable for a 4 year old - one of mine was like this - the other needed a lot more assistance at that age. My gut feeling is that she likes and needs to have things under control - so by trying to influence her you are taking that away . My very capable boy is also anxious and likes to know what is going to happen , how and when . He’s now almost 13. Might be something to consider maybe

@niugboo Feedback? Okay.

Lots of feedback here, lots I’ve taken on board. Constructive and helpful.
Calling someone nasty and shaming them, making them feel even shitter about an already difficult situation? Not that constructive or helpful and definitely not kind.