Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Hi, I think the gist is that you were too soft/high expectation in asking her to get dressed, and not been firm at that point, and then too harsh when she hadn't done it and resorting to the naughty step?

Again I am not criticising but trying to help.

She’s only 4 help her get dressed, you’re expecting a bit much from her

I think if you're strong in the early stages you don't need to reach the point of 'horrible and mean'. It would have been a shame for her to have lost the day out for typical 4 year old faffing about. So your role is to make sure that doesn't need to happen by being tough from the outset and not allow the faffing in the first place. If you don't allow undesirable behaviour you won't need to punish it.

YABU why are you throwing a tantrum over this. She is 4 years old. Get her dressed yourself and take her to the beach. Geez

Poor little girl.

TBH you sound completely clueless. No disrespect but you need to educate yourself. Do you realise she is still classed as a toddler??

If she wants to dress herself she earns that. It sounds like she controls things. By doing her own thing.

I personally would say you have x minutes to get dressed or I get you dressed. Or make it more of a game every item of clothes she puts on she can do a twirl or a bow or two skips etc. She's still young.

I do feel for you, if you go out grab a coffee for you and tell her she could have had an ice cream but she didn't get dressed in time. You did so you still get your coffee. Don't stand for shouting etc, if she hits her up take her home and explain that good behaviour is rewarded.

I don’t understand why it’s so shucking that a four and a half year old can and lines to dress themselves, is that strange that she can get dressed at this age alone?

I think the problem is that although physcially she can she doesn't seem capable emotionally or you would have been out the door with no fuss. If she was able to like you say she is then this thread wouldn't be here.

To be honest I think you are expecting too much from her. Sure, she is probably capable of putting on her own clothes and it's good to be encouraging her independence, but if it had been me I would have insisted that she stop playing and stood over her while she put her clothes on.

Instead of which, you kind of allowed yourself to get annoyed and then when it didn't happen you blame her entirely and punish her really. I'm sorry, but that isn't exactly an Adult response to the way a 4 year old behaves. You're the parent and should have dealt with it in a more adult way - not retaliated in kind.

People are over-reacting about a 4 year old dressing themselves. I have a 5 year old that is more than capable of dressing herself, but still wants me to do it for her, but a 3 year old that has been dressing herself for a year and will refuse any help.
At 4 years old she will probably be in her first year of school, one of the things they say kids should be able to do by the time they start school is dress themselves. Kids capabilities vary a lot at these ages and I think OP knows what her own DD is capable of doing by herself.

But her dd clearly isn't capable of getting herself dressed and out the door. If she was the OP wouldn't be driven 'insane' and finding every morning 'stressful'. It's great when kids can but the OP doesn't seem to know what her dd is capable of or it wouldn't be an issue that the OP is finding stressful.

Some really pointless advice here . 'Stand over' a 4 year old and repeatedly parrot get dressed like an inarticulate bully? Oh my! No, don't do that. Unless you want her to have the persuasive skills of a piece of a soggy cutlet of course!

@niugboo Read through my posts. I didn’t come downstairs and start any Nastiness, I love my daughter more than anything in the world and am not Nasty to her.
If you read my posts, you’ll see that I said I came down and asked her to please get dressed. She often loves it and asks me to go up and get dressed and she likes to show me that she can get dressed quicker than me when I come down. I was fine with her not being ready at that point and am ALWAYS there to help her if she needs. It wasn’t that she couldn’t do it, it’s that she was answering back and trying to be in charge, as is happening a lot at the moment and that’s what I’m struggling with, there is no nastiness at all here, I’ve in the past easily been able to work through this situation with no problem, if anything people tell me I’m too soft.
Your posts are nasty and not constructive at all.

@CrotchetyCrocheting 🙈Ffs, I know exactly what she’s capable of, she’s my child, she’s more than capable of getting dressed, that isn’t the issue, it’s that she doesn’t want to do what I ask her, for anything these days and the same with her dad, she’s v headstrong

OP you are getting a right plastering the last pages and I feel for you. 💐

You mentioned you have a bit of a crisis of parenting confidence, and this thread wouldn’t be helping it. We all doubt ourselves and our parenting at certain challenging points.

You need some headspace and a reset - after DD bedtime tonight, read up on the previously mentioned “how to talk so little kids will listen” and similar resources and reflect a bit more on the type of parent you will endeavour to be, starting tomorrow.

A good advice I once read here was - in difficult moments, pause for a moment and look at your child’s face - really look, absorb how tiny they are. They need guidance, not our adult anger and frustration.

@ShapesAndNumbers But where did I go off and leave her?!

I can confirm that they are absolutely a massive pain to get dressed and out of the house at this age, no matter what you do (talking from experience with my own reception aged child!).

I think just continue to beg, threaten or bribe (or all of the above?!). Eventually she will grow out of it!

And ignore the perfect judgy parents! 😁

@7Worfs Thank you 🙏I know, I’m usually so patient and soft, the behaviour is hard at the moment. Never before have I gone to bed most nights thinking how I could’ve done something different or if I did it right etc, I feel such guilt but then have my parents for example saying I’m not strict enough with her.

A four year old isn’t a toddler! Physically capable of dressing, developmentally incapable of not getting distracted and practicing hopping and coming out of their room with knickers on their head butt naked saying “look mummy, I’m a frog”, but not a toddler.

@BestBeforeDatex Yes, I think you’re probably right. I find it hard to find the balance. I’m naturally a chilled, gentle person, Dd is amazing but v bright and v strong, I find it hard to find the balance these days to be completely honest.

This 😂. I used to say to mine “just because it sounded like a request, doesn’t mean it’s optional”.

I couldn’t have been bothered with all this fannying around making games of it or negotiating.

So normally she does it and enjoys it and the one time she didn’t you decide to go in guns blazing, time outs and ruining the trip.

You have work to do. She’s 4. She will becoming more engrossed in activities. She’s becoming independent. This approach is going to make life really difficult.

@niugboo No, not the one time…again read my posts.
Are you the perfect parent then? I’m guessing you must be to say these things to another parent, that I have *Work to do. I’d never deem myself so perfect that I’d say this to another parent, how can you know you’re that good. All children are different, yes?

@bussteward This is what I don’t understand 🤷🏻‍♀️She’s been doing this for ages, prefers to make her own breakfast etc etc. As I say, my life was actually much easier when I just got in with it and did it all for her.