Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wtf?!

She’s been able to get dressed independently for a long time, I’m always there to help if she needs it, but she always says she can do it on her own and is quite strong about it! I’m not going to stop her if she wants to do it alone. It would be easier for me to dress her!
I don’t understand why it’s so shucking that a four and a half year old can and lines to dress themselves, is that strange that she can get dressed at this age alone?
It wasn’t that she needed help or couldn’t do it, it’s that she was being disobedient and is in a lot of ways recently. I’ve said all if this above 🤷🏻‍♀️
i don’t just chuck clothes at my child and leave her to fend for herself

I would have been a lot firmer from the outset. Given her a warning that I was putting her clothes out and she must get dressed straight away as soon as I'd done it.
When I'd done it I'd tell her to put down her toys and get dressed, and stand there repeating the instruction as necessary until she did.
I think the trouble with all the gentle encouraging is that it gives the impression things are optional when they aren't, and gives the child choices about things that they don't fully understand the consequences of.
Sometimes you just have to take control in their own interests, as its a shame if things escalate to missing a treat for want of a timely firm instruction.

YABU.
You should have negotiated a window for her to finish what she was in the middle of or get to a place she can pause and then get dressed. She may be 4, but she’s a human being not a puppy.

When my DCs were that age we had to be out of the house by 7.30am to get them to the childminder. There was definitely a lot of assistance with dressing. DH did one and I did the other.

They are now 8 and 11 and are able to dress themselves perfectly well.

@Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee DS is 4 and largely gets dressed independently, but it's easily distracted. Something I've found really works in colder weather is to put his clothes on the radiator the night before so when they kick on in the morning his clothes are warmed. Then lots of prompts, we get ready together, there an element of a race , I'm putting my trousers on now I wonder if you're quicker than me? But also oohh quick before your vest gets cold etc when he's taken it off the radiator. Works a treat because he loves warm snuggly clothes.

I don’t see why people are saying she doesn’t get to choose

my children are older now but we always have them autonomy and Choice. Not always massive choices but like ‘want to wear the pink or blue trousers today’. She’s 4 and it’s a good thing to learn. The dressing thing is also a good thing to learn etc.

I’m a bit of a softie and would have said ok now we can go. But it’s up to you. Don’t doubt yourself. It’s not the end of the world.

You are completely unreasonable. You messed up and punished her for your inadequacies.

Expecting a child to manage time, stop playing, all of that is absurd at 4. You should have taken control rather than passive aggressive parenting. Horrible.

High expectations for a 4 year old but you know your child. Have you tried making it a race? That always worked with mine, “ I bet you can’t get dressed quicker than mummy” then letting her win and making a fuss of how amazing she is!😀

Getting dressed is a battle in our house. It’s stubborn little people exerting their control where they can. I’ve dealt with school mornings by saying they have to be dressed if they want to watch cartoons, and that works for Monday to Friday. But the weekends are harder when they have to get dressed to go out, and even though they do want to go out, part of them also wants to stay in their pjs all day and stay at home. I just nag until it’s done so we can just get out of the house and have a nice time. I wouldn’t ever take the day out away, that would be punishing myself! If they are particularly rude and shouty we will have all about it later and maybe take away some tv or tablet time. It’s hard when they start getting stubborn and shouty. But the truth is parenting is up and down and you just have to enjoy the up moments while they last!

Make a game of it - makes it less stressful.

Say ‘bet bet you can’t put your jeans a tshirt on before I put the dishwasher on … ready steady - go

They soon do it.

Its quite normal for kids to stop doing something they have managed independently before, especially if they are now learning another skill. So if she has recently started school, started learning something taxing at school etc then maybe allow some leeway in other areas. Id also say that if you approach a situation expecting confrontation then that can be enough to set it off

*Shocking

No offence meant but you are being wayyyyy to lax with her, hence her taking the piss out of you. It shouldn't be you waiting around, should be the other way round! You've got into bad habits, you need to firmly say get ready now you've got (such and such minutes) and make sure you keep at it.

Don’t know if it’s just the clothes thing but my DS and I choose an outfit for the next day and I put it on a chair in his room and he has to get dressed as soon as he gets up (nursery mornings) to avoid this battle every day! He’s three so loads of back to front things and occasional forgotten pants but I do a quick rearrange.

Basically, I try and get him dressed before anything else so that he doesn’t get distracted with something then refuses to get dressed.

@niugboo Nice, thanks.

Passive aggressive how?

@PaperLanterns yours must be much tidier than mine with breakfast! 😁 We do the same pick clothes the night before, I put them on the radiator, he gets dressed after breakfast after washing his face and brushing teeth.

@HarLace1 Some are saying I’ve been horrible and mean to her and then others I need to be stronger with her…
So hard to know what to do, all I know is it’s bloody hard at the moment, I feel she’s walking all over me at some points, but then end up going to be feeling guilty that I’ll mess her up,
Loved being a parent so much, but not feeling I’m very good at it anymore, everyone here seems so sure of it all, why aren’t I anymore

-*Going to bed

You're expecting too. much of a four year old Could have had a relaxed morning got her ready and gone out in the afternoon

I am not sure if you are doing a joke post or not. Everyone knows you can’t expect that from a 4 year old so I am wondering if you are having a laugh.

No, I’m just that crap mum who shoves him in the buggy with a brioche and a banana to eat on the way because I’ve got a terrible two year old who refuses to get dressed/wear shoes or a coat/sit in the buggy!!!

@ittakes2 Expect what 🙈that we get dressed and go out? How is this a joke post?

With my 5 year old he is similarly distracted but loves it if we make it into a game. I'll be up in two minutes, will you be dressed before I get up there, lets see who is going to win! And then he usually runs off to do it very motivated. I then throw in some counting down bits up the stairs. In actuality I give him at least 5 but he's not to know that.

You went upstairs and left her to it. Shock horror at 4 she got distracted. Then you came back down, likely annoyed even though you messed up, and went through layers of nastiness before cancelling her day out. Maybe try this.

come downstairs.

find YOUNG CHILD happily playing.

“hey sweetheart, we need to get dressed or we will miss ice cream” and then actually start to help her. No nastiness. No anger. Just come on kid let’s go out and have fun.

I havr 2 headstrong children.
On days where there is a need to leave the house at a specific time, I'd get them dressed before there's the opportunity to sit down and play or otherwise get bogged down in any distractions.
Ie. Get up, have breakfast, get dressed and go.

I'd get myself ready (and any bags etc would be prepeared the night before) before they were even up/awake so that there is no opportunity for them to get too distracted while I'm sorting myself out.

I'd leave a head strong 4yr old to get dressed have free play for days when we weren't going anywhere or where there was no time pressure.