AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

[LoveMyJackRussells]

our family is me, DW and DTs10. DW has always been the higher earner (City law) and her job enables us all to have a great life. I love my job, trained hard for it, and earn well. But I’ve always had to be the one to take on much of the caring responsibilities, school runs, school holidays off etc.

I love my job, trained hard for it and do not want to give it up. But DW has now taken on a big leadership role and it’s getting harder and harder to justify me working, either time wise or financially. The kids still need lots of time and support. There’s only so much DW can help with at home.

Anyone wise found it almost impossible to
keep up a career with a successful partner? How do I do it?!

Pay a nanny?

You don't? Or you get help with a nanny, housekeeper etc.

And you have a big talk about what you both would like career wise.

Can you not just outsource some of the house stuff, cleaner, gardener etc. Then after school/holiday wraparound care?

Or, could you maybe go part time rather than jacking in your career altogether?

Yes, I definitely find this. My DH and I used to be on the same career path but we realised there was no way we could both keep going without sacrificing a lot personally. I took a step down for a more flexible but worse paying role and went down to part time. It gives us a better balance and means that we get to spend more time with our DS but it has massively impacted my self-esteem

It’s tricky. It just comes down to communication. Let DW know you want to focus on your career and will no longer be available for everything and negotiate. It might be that you hire a nanny. I really don’t think anyone should have to sacrifice their career for children if they don’t want to.

Outsource. One or both of you compressing hours or dropping a day. Do not sacrifice your career that you've worked for. You don't need to 'justify' it.

My answer will be slightly different depending on your sex, OP. It's not to be nasty but this is a fact of women's lives because they have the babies and then their earnings are overtaking and then they have to suck it up for ever and a day.

So if you're a man I'd say (pragmatic answer) "yeah, learn to live with it" because that's what most women either get told or have to do.

The idealistic answer would be "yeah, it's shit campaign for better working conditions and opportunities for all.

If you're in a single sex partnership - well, tbh this is how most relationships work. What you need in a partner is for them to take you and your job, hopes and wishes seriously and that you don't base everything on earnings.

The actual reality, that i see day in day out working with (mostly men) who earn a fuckton of money compared to their wives: they have MUCH more ability to re-arrange their work around some childcare/school-run activities. But they don't because - Big Important Job.

It’s no different than if your dp had a “little job” or no job at all and shirked half the responsibility at home, you just think it is.

I think it's reframe it from successful career to demanding career, plenty of people have successful careers that don't impinge on the other persons opportunities or onto family life as much. I know it's a nuance but I do think plenty of jobs are valuable and plenty of people are successful outside of high earning people who work ridiculous hours.

The answer though is you can't, not unless you have a super flexible employer and even then you'll burn yourself out. I realise plenty of people are single parents and often balance full time work with this, so of course it would be possible but it doesn't mean it'd be comfortably manageable. Bit different as DH was in the military so physically away for long periods, hardly any flex in his work- I tried many different jobs and just struggled until i retrained and could work as a contractor and manage when I worked, what hours etc.

Agree with others that if it's affordable which seems it would be you could look to outsource jobs, if you wouldn't mind being a SAHP then just make sure you have financial protection or use the time to retrain as well or something.

You both need to talk and discuss how important your careers are to each other. At 10 children don't need a whole lot of hands on parenting so could (depending on the individuals) be left for an hour or two after school to fend for themselves with snacks and games.

Outsource as much as humanly possible.

And as a PP said (if you're a man) welcome to being a woman.

I am in your situation. It s really hard especially when my husband started travelling. So I gave up my job but freelanced on the side. 10 years later and I am now starting my own company, he is slowing down so it is my turn. it worked out for us.
It took me a long time to be in that position of starting up my own company because my confidence got knocked and I had to re build it.

my advice to you is if you could find a compromise so you can go part time or free lance then dont give up. It will be easier for you to get back on the pedal in a fee years - our kids are older than yours.

the other thing I have learnt is outsource evrything you can: cleaning, one school run (i always delegated the morning one so I could be home in the evening), ironing, online food shop, gardener, etc because there are so many hours in the day and I wanted to be with my girls.
But even so it was hard to be in my own for everything monday-friday. He did managed all the school plays though as it could be diarised early.

good luck

Hi OP. Dual careers here. It's tough. What we do is we priorities each others careers in 18 month to 2 year stints.
You don't need to take a step back, but you'll need other things in place (like a nanny etc)
I really wouldn't be financially dependant on anyone. It seems like a recipe for disaster (on multiple levels)

I’m also in City law and about half the people in my team are married to lawyers. They all have nannies and cleaners to help with childcare and housework. All of their kids go to private schools as clubs are then part of their school day and homework is also done at school.

Reality is in a family two people cannot have high flying careers at the same time and still be present for their kids- not fully.

Once you understand that you can see what suits your family. Your DW's earnings should be able to pay for a nanny/ housekeeper, gardener, PA etc to make your life easier. Then you can work out what is acceptable to your family in being present for the kids eg how important is it for you to be able to help them with homework , attend school events etc and go from there

I am the wife of a city lawyer with 3 kids and have trained long and hard for my career in the NHS. However I feel privileged that his job enabled me to spend so much time with our kids and feel he was the one who misses out.

DH and I have always had good jobs, I've travelled internationally all of ds's life, and for the last 4 years DH and I have both had 'big' jobs (and his is increasingly so).
We have a twice weekly cleaner/ housekeeper, used holiday clubs/ PGL (esp for the inconvenient conference which meant I was away for a full week inc weekend in the summer holidays), a flexible babysitter who would take ds to do activities in the difficult age when he couldn't be left on his own all day in holidays but had aged out of holiday club.

You've only got another year of school run, two of school holidays being really painful, so its worth pushing on. The biggest thing for us is not thinking about housework at all, our cleaner does laundry, changes beds, does the dishwasher (obv we do it everyday too), irons, puts laundry away neatly folded, and also organises a handyman when something is needed. It takes a massive load off the everyday

We’re in a similar position. I outearn my partner by a considerable margin and my job is completely inflexible. When the kids are ill, he has to cover. As a result we’ve made a conscious decision that his career takes a backseat to mine. We are now at the point that the kids are older, and so emergency childcare is less likely. As a result, he is beginning to take promotions and move up the company. But he’s very aware that his peer group have all advanced far more in their careers than he’s been able to.

Exactly this. Women have had this problem for centuries.

It’s very different in that the DW’s “big” job pays for what I expect to be a very comfortable lifestyle. As it’s City law, the DW will be working on average 12 hr days.

This OP.
outsourcing. Get a nanny.

Chop is right. That’s why the step back / big job model ends up working for many. We were both City solicitors I gave up we both left London we didn’t want that life for our family. Lot to walk away from Dh was on partnership track. No regrets though. Set up my own business when youngest started school catching him up!

You can’t outsource actually parenting and being around for kids or teens though.

@CMOTDibbler your cleaner sounds like an angel walking among us. Is she from an agency? Are you in Herts?

It is, but your twins are 10, so don’t go giving up a career you love - plus the fact you never know what could happen in the future.

Talk about it with your wife as a joint problem to solve - reduce your hours, find a more flexible gig, hire a pt housekeeper who can help with child runarounds, there will be a solution.

Exactly this. Women have had this problem for centuries.

don't get me wrong, it's not right and it's not easy to sort it.
I agree that outsourcing is key: cleaners, nannies, after school clubs. But also neither partner must have the feeling, ever, that the other is going to always prioritise their job/career.

So with us, we had a plan, we always knew on any occasion which of us had something that absolutely could not be dropped to collect a sick child or attend to an emergency (outside of life or death). That requires openness and the ability to sit down and realistically coordinate calendars.

Once when i (higher salary, more responsible job) had to take 2 sick days for a kid, my boss grumbled that i did it "a lot". I pointed out that i didn't and that my DH actually did more. Then he said "X [man] never does" to which the answer was "yeah, and how do you think his wife's boss feels about that?" (the long answer was not good and she eventually, unwillingly, downsized her job and eventually left him)

Family calendar, organised to the nth degree, backup plans for the backup plans and the knowledge that sometimes "good enough" is exactly that and perfection in all things is an unrealistic goal.

@Mumsanetta I don’t see any difference at all. Both parents have jobs, and children, if dw wants to work longer hours why is it ok that she’s dropping the ball at home? It’s not.