AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

[LoveMyJackRussells]

our family is me, DW and DTs10. DW has always been the higher earner (City law) and her job enables us all to have a great life. I love my job, trained hard for it, and earn well. But I’ve always had to be the one to take on much of the caring responsibilities, school runs, school holidays off etc.

I love my job, trained hard for it and do not want to give it up. But DW has now taken on a big leadership role and it’s getting harder and harder to justify me working, either time wise or financially. The kids still need lots of time and support. There’s only so much DW can help with at home.

Anyone wise found it almost impossible to
keep up a career with a successful partner? How do I do it?!

Exactly. Yeah you can get a nanny but then why even bother having kids if you're never around or only see them in the weekends, seems a bit pointless

This is simply not true. The majority of people I know with ‘big jobs’ have to travel. Sometimes extensively and at short notice. One parent need to be there to mop that up. Theoretically you could pay for childcare to cover both parents being absent but in practice very few parents want that or can afford it.

What help exactly do the twins need? Get after school club. They are 10, won't be long before they'll be off to secondary.

meh. I don't have family nearby. When i used to go to Asia for a week at a drop of a hat my (retired) mum used to fly over to help out my DH.

On one occasion we hired a nanny.

If you want to do it, you find a way. The key is planning, discussion, and Plan B, C, D, E and F.

PS in our set up I don’t agree that the kids are missing out at all on parental time. All of my friends work 9-5 and see their kids less than we do and send them to after school club/nursery till 6pm every day. The advantage of a “big job” is having that bit more flexibility both financially (can pay for higher quality childcare) and practically (can have more freedom to choose when to work). I’ve never had to miss a school event for my child for example.

Your twins are 10, you just need a nanny/ housekeeper for a few hours after school and then you can both have big careers.

Carve out sacred family time on the weekends. Alternate school drop offs. Meal services, laundry services, get a gardener to mow the lawn.

Lots of couples make it work, they just outsource anything that isn't profitable and / or quality family time.

If she’s not doing half and hasn’t organised an alternative or asked her dp she’s dropping the ball he’s just catching it and politely not mentioning it and reframing it as being positive because it’s a financial net gain for the family.

I am very passionate about my career even though it’s the lower earning of the family. My dh is top level in his National company and no doubt the “bigger” job but we both value my work. He never minimises my commitments and although I do more childcare he will always step in if I need him to and his salary pays for a certain amount of wrap around and holiday care plus a cleaner. The dc aren’t always in childcare, it’s a balance…
what helps us is both living quite near work so if dh needs to do a drop off or pick up it’s doable. But mostly it’s his attitude, some directors would use their job to get out of home commitments but my dh uses his seniority to sometimes say “I’m not available that day 5-6pm”

So DW took on a big leadership role assuming that you and your career would take the hit? Awful entitlement.
I've also worked hard for my career and I always have made it clear that I would not be stepping back. We made it work, outsource if you want, we didn't, at times it was tricky but we managed. Your dc are 10 you are over the worst.

Lots of obvious and good advice in this thread already but I would add...

Are you in a line of work that allows you to contract or freelance? That's the only way my DH and I have been able to balance commitments as his job requires unfriendly hours/weekends/late shifts etc. So I work four days a week but it's very flexible, on my own terms but I'm still working and (hopefully) visible in my sector.

I don’t doubt your experience, and that’s it’s the case for many others- that’s what I meant by saying outsourcing isn’t always the answer. Sometimes it works, but not always. Some people get to a really senior level in their industry and are rewarded with lots of flexibility. That’s the ideal isn’t it. But it’s not the case for all industries/careers that seniority= lots of autonomy over your time and working pattern. Sometimes it means that the level you’re at (and corresponding large salary) means that actually you’re expected to be at your employer or clients’ beck and call. Able to travel overseas at short notice. Never letting your family commitments get in the way of the job that you’re paid £££ to do.

I’m also talking about the knock on effect from the children’s perspectives eg if they’ve had a bad day at school it’s nice to be able to talk to mum or dad about it rather than a nanny or childminder (I’m speaking as someone who uses wraparound care myself by the way). I think people who say “your kids are 10, why do they need you around” are massively missing the mark. Kids’ physical needs from their parents might lessen as they get older but not their emotional needs. Family time only at the weekends might work really well for the parents but isn't necessarily so great for the kids. And they might not tell their parents that (or even be able to articulate it themselves) but the children’s well-being is an important consideration.

OP If part time doesn’t work (and it doesn’t for some jobs) have you considered jobsharing? You can keep a fast paced, always on job but still have two days a week where you can be there for the DC, and get things organised for the days when you’re both out the house for work 7am-8pm (or whatever your hours are).

The other option is a live in nanny, if you have space. But my personal choice was that I didn’t want to only see my DC awake at weekends or (as they got older) last thing at night when we were all tired and grumpy.

I'm the higher earner in our household. Before I met DH I travelled a lot for work and could be away for 3-4 nights a week. Sometimes I had to go to conferences abroad. This worked for me when I was single but when I moved in with DH I didn't want to be away so often. I ended up taking a lower paid role in the same industry that was 100% homebased. This also meant I could do the school run which meant DH who can't WFH could also work full time.

I still earn more than DH but I dropped about 20k in wages. For us, my time with him and the kids was more important. DH got a new job recently and asked to start and finish earlier so he was getting time in the evening with the kids before they go to bed. I guess it depends where your priorities lie. Perhaps for someone super ambitious the idea of taking a backwards step in their career just isn't for them. I'd say DH and I are both ambitious but for us family always comes first. We can always make more money but we'll never get time back again.

DH and I had equivalent potentially big jobs with the private sector - this was a while back so I was forced to resign when DS was born. Part of me was glad that we didn't have to do the juggling with child care and housekeeping that young parents have now although initially just scraping by financially. The other part of me was bored and frustrated but fortunately had a qualification in a shortage area so able to work part time in public sector who were much more child friendly at the time.

I guess your DTs are going to secondary school soon. Mine have suddenly got so much more independent, to the point i feel quite underemployed, when they started secondary. So I wouldn’t do any long term stepping back at this age.

As others have said it is possible, but you have to outsource - cleaners, dog walkers, gardeners, au pairs.
I am a clinical Director and DH is in a leadership position in a huge international sport ( gone at least 50% of the year) yes 10-15 years of age was tough even with help I felt I was on a treadmill, but once DD learnt to drive suddenly it felt much easier and we are reaping the benefits.

This makes no sense.

Obv they must have different earning potential.

If one person can work 12hr days and make 400k & the other can work 9-5 and make 35k whose career gets prioritised?

Dd1 a confident usually easy going girl went through early teen friendship hell. It was very valuable to us both that as I work for myself I was around at 4pm ish when she got home from school. She could hold the tears in until she walked up the path.

I agree that not all industries/roles can be ultra flexible, and it's fair enough to say that you can't easily combine two high level careers in completely inflexible roles. That's a bit different from saying that you can't combine two very flexible careers full stop though. The vast majority of jobs could be done more flexibly, though, and people in senior positions often have the leverage to try and change company cultures to facilitate this.

As for the impact on kids, yes, I agree that it's nice for them to have a parent to chat to when they get home from school, though I'm sure that many thrive in wraparound care etc. We were lucky enough to be able to work flexibly around dd's needs so that the only paid childcare we ever used was a nanny for 4 hours a day when she was a preschooler and a few holiday club activities during the school holidays. We were also lucky to have grandparents to call on in emergencies, which I appreciate not everyone has. And I used to do a lot of my work when dd was asleep!

And as for companies thinking they own you because they are paying £££...I think we have to push against that culture. As a senior leader, there is an onus on me to model a good work life balance and to facilitate this for others... otherwise things will never change!

Thanks for all the responses. It’s very helpful to see different perspectives.

We are both women, if that’s relevant. Our kids are great, and while we’ve had nannies and housekeepers, we are both really committed to being the ones that put in the hours for them, we are all very close and I want it to stay that way. No boarding school for us, we love our kids growing up in a friendly, diverse community.

I feel bad that some folk have taken from my post that DW is selfish or isn’t pulling her weight. In truth, she is amazing. Our partnership is very strong, and she is very supportive of our family life and our work. But, in reality, who is going to support DTs during SATS week, DW who is flying to Japan then New York for meetings, or me at home?

And DW’s work does not ‘own’ her ( as some have suggested). She’a a full equity partner, so has part ownership of one of the biggest firms in Europe. That buys some flexibility, but when the shit hits the fan at work, it goes both ways ( and pays handsomely for it)

Anyway, it’s helpful to know other parents are in a similar situation and it can be done.

Look OP if she’s a full equity partner of a large firm she is earning sums that most people can only dream of.

You really can’t have it all. If you’re not willing to outsource some childcare to a nanny then one of you is going to have to it. That’s a conversation between you and your wife but if you want a more even split then you may have to accept that that won’t be compatible with her maintaining her career and earning at the same level. You may be happy with that. It’s not rocket science.

It's not difficult if your partner is on board, and I mean properly onboard. Also have good childcare.

My
Childcare when dc were little cost an absolute fortune, more than my mortgage but it was well worth the sacrifice, as they are older and we now don't need childcare, so reaping the rewards

Outsource whatever you can, cleaner, after school nanny (or someone who’ll do both roles if possible), maybe also a 6th former to help with homework; even if it’s a large share of your salary, should be able to scale back once DTs in secondary etc. Work out what can be done by your DW at weekends (buying clothes, presents etc) to share load.

I'm in a similar position OP. DW is a senior partner in a law firm and often has to be away for work, we have DD aged 4. Day to day we do share drop offs and pick ups etc but usually if something has to give, it's something I'm doing. I'm also a lawyer, but not as senior/successful as DW. Looking ahead she is going to have more and more opportunity to progress and realistically that will mean more of the domestic stuff falls to me. We've recently discussed having a part time nanny to alleviate the pressure at the end of the day (as ideally I should be taking clients out more often in the evenings too). But I don't want DD to be not seeing either of us on a regular basis Mon-Fri. I have older DC as well (from a previous relationship) and remember all to well the stress of trying to do spellings and homework with them at 6-8pm because that's when I got home and they were already too tired. Everyone was crabby and upset and that's just not what I want for DD.

You can't outsource everything. DC do need meaningful contact daily with at least one parent. As they get to teenage years, their physical needs reduce but emotionally they need you there more.

For some, boarding school is the answer but speaking as an ex-boarder, I would rather give up my job entirely than send a child to boarding school to make working easier.