AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

[LoveMyJackRussells]

our family is me, DW and DTs10. DW has always been the higher earner (City law) and her job enables us all to have a great life. I love my job, trained hard for it, and earn well. But I’ve always had to be the one to take on much of the caring responsibilities, school runs, school holidays off etc.

I love my job, trained hard for it and do not want to give it up. But DW has now taken on a big leadership role and it’s getting harder and harder to justify me working, either time wise or financially. The kids still need lots of time and support. There’s only so much DW can help with at home.

Anyone wise found it almost impossible to
keep up a career with a successful partner? How do I do it?!

I've been exactly where you are, OP.

The majority of equity partners I know at City firms either have a spouse who does 100% of running the home (plus maybe a bit of PT work on the side), or else two big careers and a level of outsourcing most of us would be uncomfortable with, eg FT housekeeper and at least FT 2 nannies (one for day, one for night).

We tried the second option and found it wasn't a good fit for us. So switched to the first, with me running the home and working PT and DH being focused on his work. It's not ideal- I was ambitious before kids and letting go of that part of my life was hard, plus of course it means all the pressure of bread-winning falls on one spouse. But with a job like that it can be hard to find another way- DH spends 2 weeks a month in the US and generally works until 9pm at the earliest when he is here, and often much later. Trying to divide the labour at home in a way which was remotely 50-50 was just a non-starter.

I think the key things are to protect your own position- keep working even if you can't work FT, pay into your pension, make sure that both of you appreciate each other's contributions. And keep asking yourselves whether this is actually what you both want- law is a bit of a conveyor belt and it can be easy to end up working 100 hour weeks for a million pounds a year, and building the sort of life that a million pounds a year gives you, and then feel you can't step back or change anything because how else would you then afford it all? But is this actually what you both want?

When trying to take these decisions, we often end up trying to choose on the basis of generalisations. For example the idea of a tennis club wife, who might be happy or might be desperate. In reality, if your circumstances allow and you are brave enough, try out the route you think you want and test it out. See how you get on. The things you are worried about might not happen. Or they might, and then you can sort it out and change tack again.

Thank you. That’s really helpful to hear your perspective. Part time working looks like it’s going to be my pattern for a while to come. I’m lucky I can work in that way, but DW really can’t.

DW doesn’t travel too often ( 2 weeks a month-omg!) but lots of US clients mean late evenings. And she’s leading a big strategic turnaround which requires being in the office a lot to guide/ reassure/ explain/ decide things.

The money side is interesting. She’s not really money driven or materialistic, except insofar as she sees it as an indication that she’s doing her job well. And she really, really loves her job and leads a great team. I couldn’t really deny her that, even if I wanted to. But we both enjoy doing fun things with the kids and have used the money wisely. And I’m very grateful for our financial position, especially nowadays. She has always taken the backseat with money management at home, the special drawings go into our account and I invest them in our pensions/ funds/ money pit of a cottage in Brittany. I’ve reckon got enough that I’d be fine if she ran off with the imaginary) pool boy!

I did take a sabbatical for 8 months - hated my company, needed a change- and while I EASILY filled my time, as you do with two kids I tow, I just couldn’t get rid of the idea that it wasn’t enough.
because it wasn’t enough. And I felt like I was in a really odd ‘traditional’ position for a gay woman, essentially a SAHM.
I now work in the same industry but mainly WFH or hybrid … so I’m around for the kids, and so is DW - when she isn’t travelling she’s negotiated days a home.
often means she’s locked in an office all hours, but at least she’s here!

I'm not exactly pushing to my full potential, but have an interesting role and slow progression in a career I wanted. I work flexible hours part time. If I gave it up it would be much harder to reestablish once kids older (or if dh left me or died to be more bleak)

I gave up on my career. DH job made it very difficult (he works away Sunday to Thursday, and works 10 hour day Fridays, and usually at least 4/5 hours each weekend day).

he couldn’t do his job if I wasn’t supporting by doing all the home stuff. He’s paid well (nothing like city law as public sector) so we wouldn’t be be able to afford full time housekeeper/live in nannies etc.

I have to admit, I'd find fitting into the SAHM model hard too. I do know a couple of SAH gay mums, but they've both adopted kids with complex needs, which is very different to the SAH 'lawyer's wife' life. I've never had a problem forming friendships with other mums, but work has meant that I've never really been part of the post drop off coffee shop and boot camp crew, and I think that it's a bit late to get into that now. When DTs are at secondary, I do fancy taking on a school governor or charity trustee role, but that would just complicate our lives further I think, especially if I carry on working. Like you, it's going to be flexible, part time work for me for a while.

From personal experience I found that having one person who was both a nanny and a housekeeper (and a driver) was really useful. Worked from noon until 6.30 Monday to Friday. It meant that they basically ran the house, created a list of cleaning stuff etc to go on the online shopping list, did all the laundry/ironing/putting away/mending/making beds/organising dry cleaning etc. Then if I could do the school run that was great but if I couldn't they were at work so could do it for me. It also meant that I could spend some one on one time with each child when they got home from school - eg one sat doing homework in the dining room whilst the housekeeper kept an eye on them and did the ironing and the other was reading to me/doing music practice/helping me get supper etc.

GIven DWs job the financial cost of this is neither here nor there to you but it will restore your sanity, enable you to work when you need to. It means sometimes you may be getting more help than you actually need but I always saw this as giving more time to do the fun bits of parenting and less time doing the slog of making beds and sorting laundry.

It sounds like you have all the hired help you can get and can't get/don't want anymore.

In this case the only option is to step back a bit and go part time/find flexible work. Hopefully you can negotiate this in your current role but if not find a similar one where an employer is prepared to offer flexibility. Post-Covid this is definitely easier to negotiate than pre-pandemic.

I had to step back from a big job because it wasn't working for our family. Just not enough time and bandwidth to give what the kids needed. Sadly for me it wasn't because DH had a big job. He was just continuing in his old , safe job but not willing to sacrifice anymore (even though I had the higher salary). DH claims this was all my choice and not necessary - but trust me - it was. I am quite committed to my work & career so if I feel I had to take a step back it really had to be done. And I was the only one willing to do it. I simply don't have the high tolerance threshold for leaving my kids unsupported as DH has. Simple as that.

I took a more junior role with great flexibility and then really delivered and negotiated myself pay rises and promotions while keeping the flexibility. I am not back to where I left off but I am also not that far off. With the next move I will hopefully be back.

I can't pretend it doesn't suck to take one for the team but at least you have someone bringing in the big money. DH's job didn't and still doesn't pay much even after he got himself a new job and bigger salary after I kept pointing out that I was again starting to outearn him pro-rata and he had to pull his weight when it comes to looking after sick children on his office days etc.

Overall I think you are in a very privileged position so just negotiate some flexibility in your current career and step up a gear when the kids are older. By then DW might well want to kick back a bit.

Perhaps a flexible role’s the future, at least for a while. I have a high flying colleague who had a complete breakdown/ come to Jesus moment where he realised that he never saw his kids, had no real input or meaning in their lives cos he was absent ( both physical and mentally) and quit.
his DW ended up paying then bills and going FT, he’s now a PT teacher.
For me and for DW, knowing that Incan cover the basics and bills should anything happen to her work is important.Quite frankly, you never know.
The other thing about being a SAHM - even where I am with masses of rainbow families - was I found myself properly thrown in with the straights! Even more so than when I got pregnant, which was weird enough in itself. Going from a pretty gay existence in London to being surround by more traditional set ups.
I love all the straight friends we have, but quite frankly, we’re unlike them in many ways and thenSAHM routine highlighted that.

@LoveMyJackRussells US firms pay big money and take your soul. Your DW has the option of still doing a big job in a UK based firm which has fewer demands on their equity partners and plenty of flexibility and give you a nice lifestyle

Yes it's bloody hard.

We had two "big" jobs, very senior and full on, but not on such high salaries that money was object.

The best time was when we had a nanny, but other times were just hellish.

I regularly had to step back from career to take stock of and resolve family issues, or our kids would have been neglected IMO.

I have the bigger job than DH, but I was prepared to prioritise the kids over it.

On the flip side I have taken much bigger risks and had more career breaks than DH, which has actually ended up suiting me. I've not suffered that much because I've managed to have a more interesting and varied career which I've liked and because when I am in a role I give it 150%.

Yes it's hard, really hard. DS, both, are adults now with their own DC. This is coming from the US so the terminology of the employment is different. My husband was an attorney I was a university professor. Hiring a nanny was our option. Fortunately for us my husband's dear aunt was widowed and became available to be our nanny. When she was with us we provided a place to live for her and her DC, plenty of time off and because I was a university professor I was able to get her classes free of charge at my university. So after 12 years when we no longer needed a full-time nanny she moved on. She had a college degree, which she had always wanted, and went on to teach school for 20 years.

I live in sw London and see this A LOT! I think the most annoying thing is how it is deemed unacceptable to Expect the 'successful' partner to make any career sacrifices. I have a friend who's husband does nothing. Literally nothing. His life is pretty much identical to how it was pre kids. His wife- who was an accountant- gave up work. He left the house at 6.30 every morning and was rarely home before 8.30. She accepts it as she felt happy with where she'd got with her career and didn't feel the need to work anymore.

I respect this but I find it sad. I find it sad that really capable Woman are not I. Tge work force because their husbands won't contemplate changing their work pattern or reducing their hours. Yes, you can outsource a lot but why should you?

If your career means something to you then you need to talk to your partner. Yes he's a successful lawyer but he's also a parent.

The only way we will EVER change this narrative is of men like this start to demand change. They need to stop working inhumane hours and buying into the same old misogynistic system that thinks that the only way to be successful at work is to devote every living breath to it. We are all three dimensional people with lives and families. Plus a job isn't better because it's well paid and long hours. Your job is part of your identity. You shouldn't have to give it up.

So talk to your husband. If he's as good as you say his company will want to retain him and look at flexibility in his role. Fight the fight.

@TaraRhu two
women , there is no DH …

Sorry, my apologies. My advice is the same though regardless of the dh/dw. The big job should not automatically be seen as sacrosanct.

I feel for you two. We had two big jobs, then sadly split up and I took a year or so out. I went back into the same role (a senior management position) in a smaller group. Because I could do the job with my eyes shut I now find I have time to talk and be around for the kids. A few parents I spoke to over the years said they’d kill themselves working but when the children reach 13-14 that’s when they need you. Weirdly that’s how my career worked out and while that was coincidence I think they did/do. We just talk all the time and debate stuff. Don’t underestimate that they need your time to hang out with you - just being in the house - and being a solid base for them. And I know that they’re more relaxed now I’m not on the Sunday evening flight out somewhere.
Also the elder just left for uni and I can’t tell you how happy I am that we had these few years on a different track. It is true that once they’re gone that’s it (even though there are holidays).
ps in the last year or so I also found that I had time for hobbies and to learn a couple of new skills. Not that I didn’t and don’t love my job - I’m still full time - but I now get why people actually do things other than work !
All the best

Isaidnomorecrisps I completely get what you are saying about them needing you more into the teenage years. Even now, in Year 6, we have a fair number of dramas that need time and patience to sort out. My parents both were great at just being there, hanging out, and I know that did me so much good emotionally. If I’m honest, I do worry a little about DW missing out a little on that side of parenting. But given she’s regularly first choice for shoulder to cry on (especially for DD), she can’t be doing too badly. Her colleagues are pretty supportive of each other and many are in similar situations so do have each others’ backs in terms of understanding family commitments.

I am still relatively young, and I guess a bit of time with my foot off the gas (not that the pedal has exactly been on the floor for the past decade) won’t be the worst thing. The irony is several of my colleagues would love not to have the responsibility of being the main breadwinner. I can see how hard that is too.

Yes. I've raised our children and worked part time to accommodate husband's career. I'm doing my masters now that the kids are teenagers but I held the fort for 12 years whikst he had to go away at the drop of a hat. I bloody enjoyed that time though and to me it was worth it.

I've been in this position and it's hard. I've only just started working FT after a couple of decades of SAHM/PT roles. Ultimately I think it can work as long as the marriage goes the distance.

DH is a bit older than me and is planning to retire or cut down to a couple of days freelance in about 10 years time. Given another 10 years I may be earning a good-ish salary and will have built my own pension back up a bit.

I'll never catch him up and tbh I wouldn't want his sort of job and the pressure/hours that come with it. As much as I've felt resentful at times when the kids were young I can acknowledge the pressure of being the sole or mostly sole earner for 20 years isn't easy either.

As a family/team pooling everything we should be okay into old age. If we had split up when the kids were small or even if we split in the next 10 years that's when my vulnerability of being a SAHM and part time earner over the years would come into play.

This is the risk the SAHP/lower earner takes on. Usually mothers.

If I had a do over I think I'd prefer a more balanced situation - so both parents with middling jobs and sharing family commitments rather than one high earner which is a bit eggs in one basket.

They really shouldn't be left for two hours after school with snacks and games (by which you mean screens). That's not parenting. They should be doing homework under parental supervision, having access to extra curricular activities, spending quality time with siblings and parents. You don't have children, send them to school for most of the day and then leave them to fend for themselves for what's left ffs

Yes. Unfortunately I have come to a conclusion that only one of us can have a thriving "career" after kids. Every time I am up for something big something important happens at his job or in the family and I have to take a step back from work and deal with the situation. Because he earns much more it never makes financial sense for him to step back. I was the higher earner before kids. People tell me I should be overjoyed that I have a high earning partner. But I am not 😞

Not directly on point but I stayed in a role I wasn’t particularly fulfilled by to give me as much time and flexibility with DD. I worked part time and whilst I wasn’t exactly happy at work, I was happy that I could be with her whenever she needed me. She’s now 12 and I’m focusing much more on my career and am in a new and much more demanding role that I love. I’m still part time but don’t have quite so much flexibility. It felt at times that I was hanging on by my fingertips. I have no regrets at all for letting my career stagnate but am so much happier for being in a role that I like and feel fulfilled by. I guess I’m trying to say that your children will her older and your career will be there waiting!

I went part time and got a cleaner. Don't feel I sacrificed as I wanted to go PT when I had children and I'm grateful I won't have to go back FT even when both kids are at school etc.

Always been career driven but having kids made me realise there is so much more to life and I really wanted to be present. I feel PT allows me to have both.

Just make a rule. We outsource all the shit we don't want to do and isn't meaningful for the childen.
That means,
laundry
uber rides
cleaning
some cooking
administrative tasks

And, if she's that crash hot then no-one, NO-ONE is actually going to care whether she's arrived in the office on time at 8.30am or has swung by school for the school assembly and got in at 9;30am.