AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

[LoveMyJackRussells]

our family is me, DW and DTs10. DW has always been the higher earner (City law) and her job enables us all to have a great life. I love my job, trained hard for it, and earn well. But I’ve always had to be the one to take on much of the caring responsibilities, school runs, school holidays off etc.

I love my job, trained hard for it and do not want to give it up. But DW has now taken on a big leadership role and it’s getting harder and harder to justify me working, either time wise or financially. The kids still need lots of time and support. There’s only so much DW can help with at home.

Anyone wise found it almost impossible to
keep up a career with a successful partner? How do I do it?!

*all TOO well!

Your DW is a full equity partner at a City firm? I’m impressed that you see her at all. As you know, it’s more demanding than the average job. And as someone above said, you just can’t have it all - if you want the lifestyle that her earnings provide then you either get a nanny to allow you to pursue your career as well or stay as you are so that you are around for the DTs.

I don't agree with having to 'justify' you working. In my opinion is either you want/can or not.
In similar position, we are able to afford cleaner, gardener, childcare, online shopping etc meaning with a a lot of effort on getting organized we make it work. There are a lot of working single mothers out there. If they can do it, I always think I can too!

The only way you can have it all is to outsource as much as humanly possible so that when you're not working (which is rarely for your DW if she is a full equity partner) it is not spent cleaning, organising handymen or whatever. And by that I mean literally everything including getting the Amex concierge service to book your holidays.

And if DW is earning all that, you can afford it and you're not dealing with two parents who work shifts and barely see each other and their kids while getting by in minimum wage and universal credit.

Oh god I feel this so deeply 😭

Hubby has an all consuming job the type that everyone basically bursts into a round of applause when they hear about but we have two toddlers and the eldest is disabled and requires a lot of care.

Hubbys number one priority is work and we are an inconvenience. He doesn’t say it but it’s clear he feels that way. I desperately want to go back to work but it just can’t happen for another few years. I want to train as a social worker but our childcare costs would be several hundred more than I’d earn until the kids go to school.
It just sucks.

I get no credit for anything. I’ve made so many sacrifices whilst he got to keep so much and he doesn’t even see it

Listening to what you have said about wanting personal interaction with your DC, I think the focus at the moment has to be finding work which you can do part time and when/where it suits you. Flexible work using some of your skills. For a time anyway until circumstances change due to age/needs of children, although as you say they still need you when they are teenagers.
This might well mean that you are unable to develop your career in an ideal way. But if you manage to keep something ticking over then in future you could maybe do more demanding work.

we are both really committed to being the ones that put in the hours for them
😂

No you're not!
If you were, you wouldn't need to start a thread about how worried you are that it's going to be you sacrificing your career so that your DW doesn't have to.

That's not a job problem, that's a husband problem.

Also, work is important but there’s more to life than work, as you already recognise. When you are older you will be glad you supported your DC well, you can’t put it back in afterwards.

As it sounds like you can afford it why not outsource the things that are eating in to your family time?

Referencing an earlier thread about the MN enigma code I’m still trying to work out what DTs10 means 🫤

@BellePeppa Dear/Darling Twins aged 10

It’s hard but not impossible. My husband and I are both in Exec roles with three children. We support each others careers. It balances out but when I’m under pressure he supports and vice Versa.

Unless you’ve had a conversation to say you are happy to step back then I don’t think it’s fair for one spouse to proceed and assume the other will pick up the slack. It needs to be mutually agreed.

wrap around childcare is a must though.

I think parental responsibilities should be shared if both people are working.

If your wife can't keep up her duties, then hire a nanny. It sounds like you have enough money for this and it shouldn't fall solely on you.

I understand your frustrations, I earn nearly double what my DH earns yet I do 80% of the caring.

He works condensed hours, so longer days. That means I do 80% of drop offs/pick ups. We both have a day off with LO during the week and share weekends care.

Ignore some of the negative comments here, a parent doesn't have to do everything. You can pay someone to help.

I don’t think you can have it all and it gets to a point where the extra stress or money from the lower earning parent isn’t worth it.

It has taken me a few years to accept that. I have a good job that would be unobtainable to lots of of the population but my husband’s high earning/more demanding role puts a ceiling on what I can feasibly do if we want to spend time with our children. For me, the extra step up would probably make everyone’s lives worse even if I had a bit of satisfaction from it. You’ve got to weigh up the pros/cons of different options and come to terms with the fact you are making an active choice one way or another and own it.

I feel for you but unfortunately this is a completely different scenario. There is nothing in @LoveMyJackRussells posts that suggest that her DW is not engaged in family life, prioritises work over family or views family life as an inconvenience.

If my DH was like yours, I would be telling him that at the very least he better start appreciating your role because if you divorced he would have to look after his DC alone 50% of the time as it is very difficult to outsource care when one of the children is disabled.

I'm you! DW had/has the BIG job - I went to 4 days, 3 days at one point but have managed to keep my career even though it felt like I stagnated for years as I always had to put/chose to put the kids first.
But - they are now 11 & 13 and becoming more independent freeing me up more, we also have a great network of friends & neighbours who can help liftshare, mind kids etc.
I am now back to 5 days.

For me, even though we didn't 'need' my salary I couldn't imagine being financially dependent on someone, I wanted my own pension, I wanted to work not just be a mum.

Use the money you have to get some help - we didn't but could have. My BFF has a PT 'nanny' Basically a local girl who does the school run either end, and looks after the kids til about 6pm. That helps.

my advice - think about what you need/want to do. and have a thnk about your DW's work/life balance. How often will she see the kids - does she want to work like this?

And as for who's going to help them through SATS or GCSEs and so on - hire a tutor or two. Outsource more of the practical stuff - we ave a cleaner for eg - but you and DW do the emotional stuff.
Though it sounds like this will fall more and more to you to do

Dh and I both have 'big jobs' but we at career stages where we can, to some extent, dictate flexibility, so we tag team parent during the week.

My child does sport and homework at school after school via wrap around. When he gets home from school, I am there for him, to chat, and to eat together, it's just that it's 6pm not 4pm.
Lots of people with 'big jobs' will scoff at going home at 6pm but there are plenty of ways to keep a career and also be there at 6pm, especially now post-pandemic (I am the 'small job' in our household but my job is still an important, senior, satisfying, specialist, career job).

Thank you! This is so what I needed to hear (among many other very helpful messages too, and surprisingly little snarking for AIBU).

For all the practical suggestions, which are great, and we are good at outsourcing, the hardest part in this is that I know I need to step back from my career, just a little right now. And that is for all our well-being (as I’m running myself ragged, and poor DW feels that everyone needs a piece of her, all the time). Yes, DW could step back, but the reality is she can’t do her role part-time, as I can, and we would all miss the material benefits (and happy and fulfilled wife/ mum) it brings. I know that I need to continue my work in some way though (even if it’s fewer hours and demands) as it’s a huge part of my identity and does real good. DW will support any choice, but reckons if I stopped work I’d be a terrible, frustrated tennis club wife, and would probably end up glued to a Tube train, or something (maybe!)

It’s never easy wanting two things at once, is it?!

It’s very hard OP. I have a friend who’s just quit work because she was finding it so hard to balance around her husband’s work and he brings in shit loads (also a partner in a law firm).

This is probably absolutely useless advice to you, but DH and I were both in city law firms on the partnership track when we had children, and we decided that instead of one person going hell for leather for their career and missing out on family life, and the other one ditching their career and doing everything at home, we would both take a slight step back and neither of us would pursue partnership. So my DH quit private practice and took a super flexible in-house gig, and I ditched the partnership track and took a 4 day a week role in my firm as Counsel (which is an alternative to partnership at some firms).

It’s worked well for us as we’ve both maintained reasonably decent careers and pensions and also both been able to enjoy family life, but I realise that given your DW is already an equity partner this probably isn’t an option in your house.

Thanks 😁

I need to continue my work in some way though (even if it’s fewer hours and demands) as it’s a huge part of my identity and does real good. DW will support any choice, but reckons if I stopped work I’d be a terrible, frustrated tennis club wife, and would probably end up glued to a Tube train, or something (maybe!)

We have 3 kids and DH and I were both equity partners at city law firms (US equivalent). I was actually ahead of him as he did something else before retraining and so was made partner before he was. We did make it work through absolutely rigid timetabling, a nanny (two nannies for some periods of time), a housekeeper etc. We both left the office as early as possible whenever possible even if it meant bringing work home, opted out of almost all business development unless it could seamlessly combine with a necessary trip, juggled every emergency/illness depending on who was under less stress, etc. But truthfully it was a constant, exhausting juggling act. Honestly, there were months where our travel schedules meant we hardly saw each other.

When he was offered an opportunity involving an international move that we were all excited about, we decided that I would take some time off while we got settled. I haven't gone back and, to my surprise, haven't regretted it at all. It just felt like taking a giant, deep cleansing breath. Our life suddenly felt relaxed and enjoyable rather than something to be managed into submission.

I unexpectedly found so much to do with myself I've never looked back. I spent loads of time with the kids, got involved with the school and from there, school governance. I was able to use my legal background in a voluntary capacity to help a non-profit org (which ultimately led to a job, but a much lower key one), sit on boards as a trustee, went back for an MA degree, learned a language, got a culinary certification, became involved with a therapy dog organisation, did a few consulting jobs, did some writing and got published. We also kept the housekeeper and gardener as I was not particularly interested in spending my time on cleaning, laundry and gardening.

Anyway, my main point, is that as long as you're willing to do some serious thinking about whether you can reframe your definition of what makes you feel successful/fulfilled etc., stepping back doesn't have to sentence you to a lifetime of tennis club - I'd rather cut off my own arm. I did have to look long and hard at how much of my self-worth was tied up in professional success and financial reward. If you can see a happy future taking a different or lesser path, at least for a while, then try it. If you can't (and there's nothing at all wrong with that) you absolutely shouldn't do it or you'll end up resentful and unhappy.

See this completely baffles me.

I was a single parent with the ‘big job’, part ownership of the company etc.

But, I am not comparing myself to your wife. But to you. I managed to work a job that’s a ‘larger’ job than yours. I raised 2 kids. Attended hobbies, school plays, took them to the dentist etc. i don’t really understand why you wouldn’t be able to support during SATS week?

You have the other parent there. Not all the time. But you say she is an equal parent and does her share when she is there. So that’s more than a single parent has. More financial, emotional and practical support.

You definitely can keep your job. It seems you don’t really want to, but are trying to justify it giving it up. You don’t need to justify it. You and your wife just need to make a decision that suits your family best. Your family includes you. If you don’t need to work and don’t want, that’s ok. But if you really do want to remain in work, you can 100% manage it. It will be hard work. You will be busy especially when your wife travels. But it’s possible.