AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

[LoveMyJackRussells]

our family is me, DW and DTs10. DW has always been the higher earner (City law) and her job enables us all to have a great life. I love my job, trained hard for it, and earn well. But I’ve always had to be the one to take on much of the caring responsibilities, school runs, school holidays off etc.

I love my job, trained hard for it and do not want to give it up. But DW has now taken on a big leadership role and it’s getting harder and harder to justify me working, either time wise or financially. The kids still need lots of time and support. There’s only so much DW can help with at home.

Anyone wise found it almost impossible to
keep up a career with a successful partner? How do I do it?!

If I had a do over I think I'd prefer a more balanced situation - so both parents with middling jobs and sharing family commitments rather than one high earner which is a bit eggs in one basket.

Also this.

We need to, as women, keep talking TALKING TALKING about the 4 day week for all adult jobs (kids in school for 5 days, fine). The 5 day week for one earner is not a useful model for the future; two careers, each doing 4 days, is totally workable for families.

This thread is about exactly what I have been saying for the last 20 years...

There are 3 things any couple can choose from: his career, her career and kids (or her career and her career in this case :) ). They can choose 2 out of 3 and stay sane. If they try to choose all 3, one of the things will suffer. And that is, sadly and invariably, the kids.

i don't mean to say that one of the parents has to be a SAHP. But I do think it's nearly impossible to have 2 big, full-blown careers as you describe your DW's career, OP, if you also have a family. You can have a job but not a career.

This is my own situation. DH is now the one with the big career with golden handcuffs. I have a full time but very flexible much smaller job than I am capable of or trained for. I'm underemployed. It really gets to me sometimes, but the DC (mid to late teens) need a lot more support now than they ever have before.

@HeartsTrumpDiamonds I definitely agree that kids need more support as they get older. Their challenges and needs become so much more complex. I won’t go F/T until my DD is much older (she’s 12) and I suspect by then that I won’t want to!

HeartsTrumpsDiamomds I think you are right. It is pretty much impossible without major outsourcing of key parenting responsibilities, which we don’t want to do.

DW has done well (very well, I guess) but she’s passed up a couple of chances of other roles because they would have tipped the balance too far. I’ve managed a good career, I think. And there have been times when DW has gone out of her way to support that, in ways I know many ‘high flying’ partners would not have thought to do. And which I know have raised eyebrows by some in her firm. But the tension between our happy, balanced family life and the tiny niggle at the back of my mind is real. I think it’s one a lot of partners feel, and isn’t unhealthy to voice.

We are both getting better at outsourcing tasks. Of course, now we’ve also both got some ageing parents hurling themselves (mind those hips!) like curveballs into the game. Just when you think it’ll get easier soon…..

Your partner earns between 2.5-3 million per annum?
I think that gives you a lot of choices.

This isn’t really about the nuts and bolts of what she earns. But she’s at a top U.K. (intentionally not US) firm and in the middle of the equity share. So no, not that much. But her position does give us many choices, some of which make doing my job easier, some harder.

Ok. So let’s say £1.75-£2 million p/a now moving to more like what I said above by her mid forties. That’s a lot of choices. Lots. And this is one situation where it is a lot to do with the money.

Did you know that anyone who works in a nursery or childcare setting and pays for their child to attend the same nursery (through a deduction from pay) - may be being paid less than the legal National Mimimum Wage and can claim some £££ back.

Even if you already get a benefit of reduced charges as an employee). This applies over the past 6 years.

Hi,

I’m in this position too. My DH was offered a job abroad just as I found out I was pregnant. He took the job as it absorbed most of my salary. So I found myself a ‘trailing wife’ for 5 years…great for spending some time with my little one …not so great for my career. When I came back to the Uk, I looked for work and managed to pick up where I left off. Since then I haven’t really progressed. I have to stay close to home to pick up my son, as DH often works away. I also feel like the mental load of balancing home and work life, stops me from wanting promotion as it would mean more pressure /juggling.

I guess I’ve just had to suck it up - this role of second wage earner. I do feel envious of his career sky-ticketing while I’m stuck. I also have a nagging feeling that the nice house and all the other stuff, comes from his achievement and not mine.
It’s hard feeling like a support role.

I’m glad I’m working though and think it does a lot for my mental well-being and self worth. I loved my time as a stay at home mum. However I remember filling in a form, where the only applicable box was ‘unemployed’ …that made me feel like cr@p…as I’ve worked and looked after myself from being 18. Looking after children and the home is very undervalued in society.

You’re not, you can’t. I am a solicitor and just can’t make a job in the private sector work around childcare. My DH has a very involved job and works away. I have gone to the public sector.

Do not give up your career.

Hire an au pair - it would be a great experience for your girls to be exposed to another culture. Or a nanny who can drive.

Get a cleaner, if you dont already have one.

Your DTs are 10 and will be increasingly independent over the coming years.

Eight more years and they'll be off to university. Where would you be at that point if you ditched your career now?

@LoveMyJackRussells

What is holding you back from outsourcing a good deal of the domestic front?

Guilt?
Instinct /conditioning?
A sense that your time isn't important?
Identifying yourself as a backstop?

I agree, outsourcing the house work.

Gardener, 2x a week housekeeper for cleaning, laundry, ironing
After school nanny for 2 years who also does club runs and cooks

I don't agree that in secondary the children don't need you that much, I found DD actually needed us more emotinally and that meant long discussions at the dinner table about stuff.

Pay for away camps like PGL in the holidays to recharge yourself and DW. DD loves camps without parents and we have time for a date night, hang out without the constant child-center organisation. After that we all feel better.

I agree teenagers need attention and lots of tlc.

But they don't need to have their laundry done for them, they can make their own beds, they can get stuck into their own homework, they can contribute to cooking and tidying, etc. There's less time and energy-consuming sheer hands-on physical work involved as they get older.

It's actually necessary for their psychological and emotional development to become more and more responsible for their own share of the work in the house as they get older.

And a cleaner once a week on top of that can give eryone even more pleasant time together to connect and relax.

No nanny needed for 10 year old. Get a housekeeper. You can obviously afford it.