AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

[LoveMyJackRussells]

our family is me, DW and DTs10. DW has always been the higher earner (City law) and her job enables us all to have a great life. I love my job, trained hard for it, and earn well. But I’ve always had to be the one to take on much of the caring responsibilities, school runs, school holidays off etc.

I love my job, trained hard for it and do not want to give it up. But DW has now taken on a big leadership role and it’s getting harder and harder to justify me working, either time wise or financially. The kids still need lots of time and support. There’s only so much DW can help with at home.

Anyone wise found it almost impossible to
keep up a career with a successful partner? How do I do it?!

Similar position here. I kept going at work in the end but took a more flexible job which uses my skills and enjoy. Now I'm a bit older I think I made the right choices. DC are still demanding as teens, DH has flexibility too now and we both have a good work life balance. As I get older I feel strongly there is more to life than work, but that work is an important part of life, providing financial independence and personal growth and challenge and self esteem. What I would say, is fight for your corner. What you are doing is not worthless because DW earns more. She could leave, get sick etc. I would definiteky keep going even if it's tricky at times.

Boarding school.

It is hard but my advice is to stick with your career while the kids are small. If you can go part time or dial it down a bit but not walk away completely you can ramp back up once the kids are older and don't need you quite so much.

Depending on your field there can be inventive and rewarding ways of working that don't involve full-time employment. I found that with a bit of experience under my belt once the kids came along I could find part-time work (or at least sensible 9-5) but still keep myself current.

We had some big teenage challenges but I think if I'd given up my career when kids were small I wouldn't have made it through the hard bits without work. For me something that was mine and that I was good at was a life-saver and if it meant sometimes there was no clean school trousers or the fridge was bare then tough!

Everyone's situation is different and bringing up a family needs everyone to compromise and work together to find the best solution. If one person's career trumps absolutely everything else then that's probably not fair on the rest of the family.

No mate, no woman has ever experienced this 🙄

I guess the tricky thing here is that your kids are 10, so in 8 years, they’ll probably move out to uni etc right? So you don’t want to step back completely because, in 8 years, you’ll miss that career you once had.

On the other had, your kids are 10, so they won’t be “kids” for long.

If I were you, I’d take a step back now (shorter hours or part time) and start building back up again in 6-8 years. Mostly because it sounds like you can absolutely afford it and because childhood is so short.

But then, that’s what I would do. Because childhood goes in a flash and I enjoy all the stuff that comes along with kids and I would want to be there doing lots of it if I could (while absolutely retaining a sense of self working shorter hours or PT).

If you don’t want all that, then definitely just pay a nanny.

AIBU to think it can be really hard to keep up a career when your partner has a ‘big’ job

Not really. This is only the case when one or both of you feel that his big man job is more important than you.

@Mumsanetta she is brilliant, but we had a similarly amazing cleaner before (she worked for us for 10 years before retiring) so they are out there. Both have worked for themselves and we advertised for a cleaner/housekeeper and then interviewed a few to see who would fit in with us, the animals and a job spec of doing whatever is needed round the house which some cleaners don't want. Both also have pet sat/ baby sat (back in the day) for us as well.
Not Herts I'm afraid!

I think it is the hallmark of a selfish person to assume that the caring load will be just taken on board by the other parent.

Are you very passive?

Because these things don't happen without passivity.

Often one partner will see themselves as self important and push their own agenda, but they can't do that without your participation.

At age 10 a fulltime nanny can be paid for drops, collections.
A housekeeper can be hired to run the house.

You need to push back hard and not accept that it is all down to you.

Some years ago my friend was in a similar type situation and she said yes to a business trip away and left her husband to just pick up the reins, just as he did, expecting her to juggle it all.

It was absolute chaos and the week was a mess, her children did miss activities, but the point was driven home that this was now going to be a regular occurrence or they could simply split 50/50.

Good partners don't just assume the little career can suck up all the extra responsibility, but selfish people do.

If they have zero wish to do their part, they need to pay for someone to do this for them.

Do not allow your career that you value, to be diminished by their selfishness.

The OP didn’t say she was dropping the ball, but the reality is a city lawyer does 12 hour days.

He also said her earnings allowed them a lovely lifestyle.

So clearly lots is working for them, he just needs to figure out how to keep his career going as well - which might involve her being more flexible, but given the options for that will be limited, it will also be about outsourcing grunt work and probably him finding a flexible gig.

The realIty for many families is that one person has a ‘bigger’ job and the other reduces and picks up more at home. It’s often less stressful. It doesn’t mean anyone is dropping the ball.

This is what my DH’s parents did. Can’t say it made DH happy but I think his parents were relieved 😬

No, I completely disagree.

I'm the one with the "big job" in our relationship but it doesn't stop me pulling my weight at home, and it actually enables me to work much more flexibly than a junior position would. My DH does not have a big career as it happens, but I'm 100% sure that that's not because of my job....in fact, for fa8 reasons, he typically spends at least 2-3 months of every year overseas, and I manage to keep things ticking along well enough without him.

I have friends with "big careers" who are single parents, and others who are married to people with "big careers" of their own. So it is clearly perfectly possible if that's what both partners want. However, it's also perfectly valid for one partner to take a step back from their career if that's what suits them and their family.

Ultimately, I think it's about choices.

It's similar here.

DH earns really god money, but he's self employed and can't have time off full stop.

I have to be there for everything else. DD and other members of family.

If he has a day off (for what ever reason) it costs us about the same as 5 of my days at work 🙄

good not god

You’ve only got 2 kids, and they’re both 10.
It’s not that hard 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not everyone has the luxury of one of the couple having a “big job” - meaning, all the financial rewards to make like easier or justify the time out of the home. Some of us just have people working long hours in inconvenient jobs for low pay. You know, like warehouse night workers, working opposite hours to reduce childcare. And pretty much - people manage OK. And single parents.

I cannot fathom why someone with a high household income wouldn’t be able to work and manage a pair of 10 year olds.

I'm the one with the "big job" in our relationship but it doesn't stop me pulling my weight at home, and it actually enables me to work much more flexibly than a junior position would.

thank you!! this is a point that is so often missed. Who is going to tell the director to pull their socks up if they come in at 9am instead of 8:30 because they do the school run? or leave at 4 to do the school run then carry on working at home later? Nearly nobody.

Junior logistics assistant? unlikely to have any flexibility until they have worked their way up - and you do that by being constantly there and present at work.

🤣🤣🤣

I do agree with this. Childcare isn’t quite 50:50 in my house because it wouldn’t be fair* but a combination of flexibility because I’m senior and wfh means I could do 50:50 if I had to. At one stage, my DH was doing shift work which meant I actually sometimes had to do all of it.

*not fair in the sense that in addition to doing 50:50 I would then have to log back in to finish the work I had missed and my days would finish around 10/11pm everyday as standard whereas my DH would be sat with a beer at 7pm!

Reality is in a family two people cannot have high flying careers at the same time and still be present for their kids- not fully.

Agree with this. Outsourcing everything isn’t always the answer when you have children because the choices you have to make to facilitate those high flying careers impact on the kids. So yes, it’s possible, but there is a knock on effect on the family.

We both have big jobs, but mine is WFH so I can be incredibly flexible with school runs etc. We did have some grandparents help over the years, had we have not had that we would have used the after school club facility when needed.

Yes my husband has been promoted multiple times and now earns quite a high salary. Over the last year this has meant that his career has started to be prioritised over mine. A decade ago I earned more, then we had kids and I went part time and we equalised. It’s not all bad because I disliked the career I had due to stress levels, and I enjoy being able to work part- time so for me it’s been ok. However had I loved my career and wanted to continue full-time it would have been difficult.

I do think it is hard to have both parents in a family working in a very demanding job role. People do it of course either by working themselves crazy or by outsourcing childcare/house work to paid/family help…..but it does pose difficulties.

my husband is aware of the imbalance and has made steps to address is as much as is possible (eg committing to one day where he can drop off, being more engaged with sorting half term childcare etc). He won’t ever have equal caring responsibilities to me because realistically financially his work has to be prioritised. I would only do this if finances were split equally too though. No way I’d be sacrificing my career and letting him have pension payments and not me or letting him have savings and not me.

@CMOTDibbler sad times! My current cleaner refuses to do beds or laundry and only occasionally turns up 😂

wrt justifying it financially: don’t! Any childcare / domestic help costs you incur are set against each of you earning your incomes. Look at it pro rata!

And it isn’t just the cash. It’s your pension contributions (massively significant, employers contribution, tax rebate, and decades increase in value in all that!). Your CV , professional development, your self esteem.

It would not be reasonable for your DW to take on a more demanding role without meaningful discussion about how the extra pressure is absorbed within the household as a whole.

Again, I don't agree. I have always been able to work ultra flexibly around my dc and don't feel that she has missed out on parental "presence".

Really interested in this thread OP. I’m the one with the “Big Job” in our family, also in City law (partnership track). DH is passionate about his career but earns significantly less (around 20% of my salary).

But he is freelance in a creative field and extremely highly regarded. It’s led to some tensions and there are pros and cons - the fact he is self employed means he has more flexibility to manage his hours, so can often be around more for the kids, but at the same time when he is working it is intensely high pressure and he travels a lot so sometimes is away completely and I have to pick up all the slack. Our kids are 2 and 4 so still very labour intensive!

I would never and have never suggested that his career is of less value or importance than mine because he earns less.

We’ve found a balance that works for us. We have a nanny but DH and I do equal amounts of childcare. DH probably does more house admin (laundry, dishwasher, online food orders), I do more life admin (booking appointments, buying kids clothes, birthday presents etc - because I can do this remotely/on commute). I do drop offs because I can start late; DH does pick ups when he’s there and when he’s not I am senior enough that I have the flexibility to leave work early and just log back in later.

We have no family support and tbh I am often exhausted but we feel like we are doing pretty well atm. Everyone is happy!

I totally agree. It's hard to have a proper career job that's part time or so flexible you can take time off if kids are sick, let alone actually want to be there for your kids on school trips etc. I was just thinking today how it's impossible "to have it all" it simply doesn't exist. The only thing I can figure out is if you have a job that has no time urgency to it so it can be done in any hours at any pace