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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

278 replies

Kylakins87 · 15/03/2023 21:15

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Bleachmycloths · 17/03/2023 18:00

It’s the Saturday gaming he should give up for once. And his mum probably does deserve a meal out with her adult children. There are other problems here I feel. So many men still expect to live like teenagers. And some men think it’s perfectly acceptable to live a life of work and leisure with no other responsibilities.
Why are you putting up with this. You are his wife not his mother. Good luck.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/03/2023 18:03

I think mil sounds a bit self absorbed tbh

Gardengirl108 · 17/03/2023 18:18

You have a couple of issues and Mother’s Day isn’t one of them. You’re not his mum so the compromise for you to spend the majority of the day together as a family and him spend lunch with his mum is a good one. The every Saturday gaming is one issue and the fact that you say ‘weekend plans I have for us’ is another - these are plans you should be making together - not you deciding what you’ll do together.

JacquiG2 · 17/03/2023 18:36

Why does he need to go to his friends house to game? Online games can be played anywhere there is broadband. A compromise with half the Saturdays spent gaming at home and the other half at friends might be good. Then there is why don't you join them in gaming? Get your own PlayStation or whatever. It can be a load of fun.

neighboursmustliveon · 17/03/2023 18:38

PandyMoanyMum · 15/03/2023 21:22

His Mum is being a selfish dick. She hasn’t thought about you at all. He’s also a selfish dick every weekend and I’d be raging. Time to prioritise yourself because these dicks won’t.

I felt exactly this! His mum
Is deliberately doing something she knows is excluding you on the day too!

I know you said you wouldn't do the same OP but I think on Father's Day you absolutely should make plans with your father and leave DH with the kids.

We had a similar things years ago. DH choose to spend his actual birthday with his friend and not include me. I was really upset, birthdays are a big deal with us and we always make them special. So for my birthday that year I choose to go out with a friend and not include DH. I know he understood how so felt when put in the same shoes and he has never done this again.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 17/03/2023 18:50

YABVVU

Change your plans and spend it with your own Mother. It's your 'mother's' day, not 'I am a mum' day. Stop being so self centered.

Lovingitallnow · 17/03/2023 18:50

I'm obviously an asshole, but I spend every day having a lovely time with my children, so quite frankly on Mother's Day my idea of being spoiled is having to do zero parenting. I'd like to sit back and have every meal served to me, a lie in as long as I want, and gin and peanuts. I will be very Victorian about it and would like the children immaculately dressed presented to me for light entertainment maybe a photo to commemorate the day. I'm being facetious in that we will probably go to the playground and I'll play with them etc but we do that every weekend so it's not what will make the day special.

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2023 18:51

Why on earth do you tolerate the Saturdays?

He's a father, not 14!

RosaBonheur · 17/03/2023 18:59

Gardengirl108 · 17/03/2023 18:18

You have a couple of issues and Mother’s Day isn’t one of them. You’re not his mum so the compromise for you to spend the majority of the day together as a family and him spend lunch with his mum is a good one. The every Saturday gaming is one issue and the fact that you say ‘weekend plans I have for us’ is another - these are plans you should be making together - not you deciding what you’ll do together.

By the time you've travelled to the restaurant, spent a couple of hours having lunch and then travelled back home again, there's not much time left to do anything else with your day.

He won't want to have a nice late breakfast somewhere with the OP because he won't want to ruin his lunch. No time to do anything else in the morning because he'll need to leave by late morning to get to lunch on time. No time to do anything nice in the afternoon because by the time he gets back there'll only be a couple of hours left before it's time to go home and sort out the kids' tea/bath/bed.

Realistically, Sunday lunch in a restaurant takes out the whole day.

RosaBonheur · 17/03/2023 19:00

And by "weekend plans I have for us", I assume she means "things I would like to do as a family at the weekend which don't involve you round at your mate's house playing Fifa like a fucking 12 year old".

Foxface21 · 17/03/2023 20:01

He sound like a big child to me.

My advice is to start behaving the same and start leaving him with his kids more at weekends. Go see your friends.

I can’t wait for Father’s Day when you leave him to go for lunch with your dad. You really should do it. Tell him the day isn’t all about him.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 17/03/2023 20:41

How old are your kids? If they are little and demanding he should 100% be looking after them to give you a rest on Mother’s Day (if that’s what you want) not ditching you. If they are self sufficient I think it’s fine that he goes to lunch with his mum.
on the gaming again, if the kids are teens and out with their friends etc. I don’t see the harm in him doing his hobby so long as he doesn’t leave you with childcare/chores etc and spends quality time with you and as a family evenings/Sundays.

unisexforreal · 17/03/2023 20:59

firealarmmum · 15/03/2023 21:40

^^^^^^^^ THIS!!! I'm staggered people think it's normal / ok for the MIL to want her adult children to leave their families behind for the day to attend her lunch!!!

Show quote history

I totally agree. It baffles me.

plus, you are not your partners mother, but you are the mother of his children. I think it’s partly his responsibility to ensure you have a special day. This is not selfish of you. It’s normal.

mumsnet has gone mad.

unisexforreal · 17/03/2023 21:00

Foxface21 · 17/03/2023 20:01

He sound like a big child to me.

My advice is to start behaving the same and start leaving him with his kids more at weekends. Go see your friends.

I can’t wait for Father’s Day when you leave him to go for lunch with your dad. You really should do it. Tell him the day isn’t all about him.

This 👆👆👆👆

Devoutspoken · 17/03/2023 21:23

Tictikboom, so why is it miles mothers day and not op's? Weird logic

ReallyTryingTo · 17/03/2023 22:10

What kind of grown ass married man with kids spends EVERY Saturday afternoon gaming! Wow.
Sod that now and again fine, but every Saturday. You and the kids are missing out on his presence for him to flirt with his online pals! No to that.

As for your MIL - she shouldn't be the priority here. Life changes and our roles change, so of course you want to spend it as a family and your immature husband to make a fuss of you.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/03/2023 22:16

I am genuinely amazed and saddened by the number of mums and women on this thread that have been hoodwinked into believing they are undeserving of a bit of special treatment on Mother's Day because their kids are too young to understand or arrange something themselves and their partners and husbands don't bother because they are "not their mum"; the number of women being told they are self-centred to hope for some small token of appreciation and that they need to "wait for their turn" when the kids are old enough, even though the hard years when they actually need a little break and a bit of a boost are when they are little. It's bullshit and smacks of complete disrespect and disregard of your role as mother to their children. You deserve better, you really do.

A pp said something about it's nice that the OP's husband treats his Mum nicely, but chances are he learnt that from a good role model in his Dad. What about the OP's children? Where is the role model showing them what Mother's Day is about and how to show their appreciation and make her special? He's buggered off again to enjoy leisurely adults-only lunch, leaving OP to do the donkey work just like every other day and the kids won't even know that it's meant to be a special day for mums.

Well, he's setting the bar for these kinds of days and it is ridiculously low.

Ohhoho · 17/03/2023 22:19

I’m all for his mother seeing her son for lunch on Mother’s Day. It’s one day a year she can be special, one day when she can be a mum again. Give her and him some slack.
There will come a time when you won’t have your children, and you will be in second place and you will appreciate a day when, uncontested, you can be number one for a bit.
When my children were young I enjoyed their little gifts often made at school and if husband went to see his mum I had an enjoyable day being mum and making sure my mum felt special. It should be special to the children too, young or old. That’s what it’s about. Children aren’t a chore. Do something special with them. I guess there is a reason you are not spending any time that day with your own mother. I’m sorry if that is a sadness.

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/03/2023 22:40

firealarmmum · 15/03/2023 21:40

^^^^^^^^ THIS!!! I'm staggered people think it's normal / ok for the MIL to want her adult children to leave their families behind for the day to attend her lunch!!!

Show quote history

Yup. The lunch is fine, but banning children means she's just wrecked her DILs day. If it was a lunch where everyone was welcome, that would be entirely different.

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/03/2023 22:45

CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/03/2023 22:16

I am genuinely amazed and saddened by the number of mums and women on this thread that have been hoodwinked into believing they are undeserving of a bit of special treatment on Mother's Day because their kids are too young to understand or arrange something themselves and their partners and husbands don't bother because they are "not their mum"; the number of women being told they are self-centred to hope for some small token of appreciation and that they need to "wait for their turn" when the kids are old enough, even though the hard years when they actually need a little break and a bit of a boost are when they are little. It's bullshit and smacks of complete disrespect and disregard of your role as mother to their children. You deserve better, you really do.

A pp said something about it's nice that the OP's husband treats his Mum nicely, but chances are he learnt that from a good role model in his Dad. What about the OP's children? Where is the role model showing them what Mother's Day is about and how to show their appreciation and make her special? He's buggered off again to enjoy leisurely adults-only lunch, leaving OP to do the donkey work just like every other day and the kids won't even know that it's meant to be a special day for mums.

Well, he's setting the bar for these kinds of days and it is ridiculously low.

I'm with you. Young kids cannot do things without adult supervision. My little boy wants to make me breakfast. He's 4, so obviously daddy is helping him!

Later in the morning, we're going to briefly see my mum and drop off some flowers/ have a cuppa. My MIL is working, so we're doing Sunday lunch with her next weekend (inc. child) when she is free.

Devoutspoken · 17/03/2023 22:46

Ohhojo, what patronising twaddle, you do realise plenty of women don't live near their own mothers, but do live very close, in fact, in the same house, as their own kids, which is the reason they don't spend mothers day with their own mothers

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 17/03/2023 22:48

UdoU · 15/03/2023 21:19

The issue is he is checking out of family life every Saturday, not the one day out of 365 he celebrates Mother’s Day.

When do you get an afternoon off without the kids every week?

Indeed. I’m a bit worried that you are married to my 17 year old son @Kylakins87 . Is he just under 6ft with dark hair and glasses ?

Onnabugeisha · 17/03/2023 22:57

YANBU about the gaming being every Saturday afternoon. My DH games and every Friday evening and Sunday evening. Evenings are much better to deal with than entire afternoons because the games start at 7pm. So we eat dinner, he does dishes and off he goes.

When the DC were young, I’d do the bedtime routine those nights and he’d do it the other nights. He was also a SAHD when they were preschool and primary so had plenty of time with the children. So, two nights a week wasn’t excessive in our circumstances as this was his only adult interaction. Afternoons really are not compatible with family life imho. He should try and switch the gaming to an evening.

I think Mother’s Day is a bit of a red herring tbh and as a result you are being a bit unreasonable because it’s misplaced.

Onnabugeisha · 17/03/2023 23:01

Fwiw, my grandmother disclosed her terminal cancer diagnosis to her adult children at a Mother’s Day dinner. 🤷‍♀️ And yes, we grand children were not invited. So it may be that MIL has something to discuss that is inappropriate for children.

And I read it that the OP is actually invited too, but doesn’t want to get a babysitter in, so she’s self-excluding.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 00:25

CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/03/2023 22:16

I am genuinely amazed and saddened by the number of mums and women on this thread that have been hoodwinked into believing they are undeserving of a bit of special treatment on Mother's Day because their kids are too young to understand or arrange something themselves and their partners and husbands don't bother because they are "not their mum"; the number of women being told they are self-centred to hope for some small token of appreciation and that they need to "wait for their turn" when the kids are old enough, even though the hard years when they actually need a little break and a bit of a boost are when they are little. It's bullshit and smacks of complete disrespect and disregard of your role as mother to their children. You deserve better, you really do.

A pp said something about it's nice that the OP's husband treats his Mum nicely, but chances are he learnt that from a good role model in his Dad. What about the OP's children? Where is the role model showing them what Mother's Day is about and how to show their appreciation and make her special? He's buggered off again to enjoy leisurely adults-only lunch, leaving OP to do the donkey work just like every other day and the kids won't even know that it's meant to be a special day for mums.

Well, he's setting the bar for these kinds of days and it is ridiculously low.

I am appreciated all the time for being a mother - I don't want a special day for people to pander to me. If I'm going to do something on Mothers day it will be to do a little something special for my mum and my partners mum. I'm not going to wallow around wondering when someone's going to do something for me. I expect give and take ALL the time, not on one tokenistic day. It's the same as Valentines Day in my book. A load of consumerist twaddle .If the OP think Mother Day is so important, why on earth has she consigned her OWN mother to a different day?? She can't be bothered to see her own mum, but she expects her own family to pander to her.
It's a nonsense.