To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

[Kylakins87]

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

Actually here in Belfast it’s extremely popular for mothers to go out for lunch and drinks on Mother’s Day without the children so they can actually enjoy themselves, getting someone to mind the children is common so you can have the day off the drudgery of motherhood. The OP or her husband more to the point hasn’t even attempted to find anyone to mind the kids for a couple of hours. Plus as has already been established the lunch is not for the whole day. Back to blaming a woman for the failings of a man as your final flourish I see. The OP has married a selfish prick, her options here and now are to sit miserably at home w the children like she does every bloody day of the year or go out and enjoy herself. The commitment to women martyring themselves continues.

And this is the point right the entire thing has been commercialised and warped into something it was never about.

That is what is utterly pathetic that people allow this warped version to cause drama and stupid arguments in their lives and with their partners.

I'm so glad my family don't place so much value on these days and prefer to show our appreciation throughout the year and in other ways too. Zero drama.

She has indeed married a selfish prick, which is the main problem here.

But do you genuinely not understand why it is selfish of the MIL to expect all of her adult children to take her out for lunch on Mother's Day, in the knowledge that her "no children" rule is depriving the OP of the chance to do the same: have a nice lunch with her children on Mother's Day?

FYI, staying at home and cooking lunch in the hope that your children will actually eat it and not throw it on the floor while your husband is out at a restaurant does not count as having a nice lunch with your children on Mother's Day.

I don't really care what people do in Belfast tbh.

It’s no more selfish than the OP wanting to spend the day with her children? A child free lunch is not depriving the OP of the chance to join as she can quite likely find someone to look after the children for her, she has declined to even investigate that possibility on a point of principle.

If spending Mother's Day having lunch without your children is just as good as spending Mother's Day having lunch with them, why can't the MIL do that? Or even just have lunch with some of her children rather than all of them, which forces the OP to either spend Mother's Day lunch doing usual childcare rather than being spoiled herself, or fork out for a babysitter (which they may not be able to afford and which I doubt MIL has offered to pay for) so she can dance to MIL's tune instead.

Tbf it the husband who wants to go isn’t it? I doubt his mother is going to cancel the whole thing if he can’t attend. The reality is most people enjoy special occasion lunches without the presence of young children, as the children are often understandably bored and don’t want to sit talking for hours on end. If the OP is dancing to anyone’s tune it’s her husband, which she appears to have done her whole married life.

This.

The gaming for a whole afternoon every single week is bizarre - so self-indulgent. I'm stunned that this is happening.

Have you spoken to your MIL about the lunch and are sure it's without children (and therefore you)? Because it wouldn't surprise me if your selfish husband is just using it as a chance to walk away from his responsibilities again.

This exactly.

Whatever else happens on Mother’s Day, the number one rule is that actively parenting mothers are supposed to get as much of a day off as possible . That means dad leaving you with the kids is a complete non-starter.

I think the Mother's Day and gaming are two different things.

If he has dc he doesn't get the luxury of buggering off every Saturday to game. How would he feel if every Sunday you left his and the dc to spend time doing your hobby? This needs sorting out now, if he's insistent he continues, tell him you'll be doing the same every Sunday.

The gaming is muddying the water on Mother's Day. It is Mother's Day after all, and as such he should see his Mum, but the ban on your dc, her gc is just odd, I'm presuming she's done it to have her children to herself?

I'd be telling him that if he's going out on Sunday then he can spend ALL day with you and the dc on Saturday. If he refuses tell him he'll have the dc to himself all day Sunday as you're going out alone

Lol when was this list of rules made up. This is not what mothers day is about.

So Mother’s Day for women with young children is just for them to look after their children like every other day?

While their husband goes off to spend it with his Mum?

Is this actually how some people think it should work?

Mother’s Day is a contrived, hallmark day - but I am glad I have a husband who actually likes me and thinks it’s worth a bit of effort to make the day somewhat nice for me, the mother of his children.

@Spectre8

So if your family avoids commercialised events and show appreciation day to day instead, does that mean no Christmas presents? No Easter eggs? Or is it just Mother's Day that is undeserving?

Regardless, this isn't about commercialised events - op isn't asking for a present, she's asking for some consideration and she surely deserves that.

It is Mothers Day and he is prioritising his Mother, he has offered that you do something for breakfast or in the evening so why not take him up on that offer and do something just you and DC's when he is at lunch.

I think that weekends should be a mix of family time and catching up with friends, but gaming every weekend is taking the piss, do you also get to meet up with friends?

He is prioritising his mun at the expense of his wife.

If seeing his mum is the important part then he should be talking to his mum about changing the plan to include his children so that he can ever go on his own with the kids, leaving his wife to have some much needed time off. Or they could go as a family including the OP.

Leaving his wife at home to look after young children while he has lunch with is mum is selfish.

It was selfish of his mum to suggest it, and even more selfish of him to go along with it.

I honestly can’t be arsed with Mother’s Day being made into Wives Day. I only ever hear of this shit on Mumsnet. I don’t know anyone in person who kicks off over their dh seeing his own mum on Mother’s Day. Certainly none of my friends carry on like that.
When kids are wee it’s handmade cards and burnt toast in bed. When kids grow up it’s lunch out. Since when did it become the husband’s responsibility to prioritise his wife while ditching on his mum? What a load of demanding, self-centered crap.
Take your scribbled card and snotty cuddles and wait your bloody turn.

So Mother’s Day is only for women of adult children?

We don't do any of it, no easter, no Xmas etc. We don't buy into all that blocks that is designed to just make you spend more money unnecessary and then evidently makes ppl feel like crap if expectations set by this crazy society aren't met.

Don’t you all just do whatever my brain says you are supposed to do? Darn it. No wonder the world is in such a state. 😀

Unapologetically stirring the pot here, but are you sure MIL has said no kids? Or is this your husbands narrative?

A chocolate egg and a coffee in bed is hardly buying into all that bollocks isn't, it's just something little to look forward to in life and break up the year. Doesnt need any money. Do you tell your kids not to make you mothers day cards at school?

Some people know how to make life miserable for themselves….

Agree with you both

And you can do that any day of the year. However, ppl get pissed off over is stuff like what OP has posted and the variations of it.

I wouldnt tell the school how to run their classes so why would I tell my kids that? Bizarre. Whether they got me a card or not, im really not going to get upset over it isn't worth it.

Lol so my life is miserable cos I dont give a shit if I sit in bed with chocolate and coffee

Well I find it grim eating in bed so im not really missing out their, nor do I like coffee.

I have plenty of things in my life I love doing that make me happy. I dont need a day to remind me that I have something to look forward to. I have things I look forward to all the time.