Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

278 replies

Kylakins87 · 15/03/2023 21:15

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
diddl · 16/03/2023 10:01

I don't think MIL is being spiteful.

She wants to have lunch with her kids.

They attend or not as suits them.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 16/03/2023 10:05

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/03/2023 22:00

Bloody hell MIL really are the devils spawn on MN aren't they. Every thread we have had on this has said a DH should see his mother whilst the DW and kids should see hers. But when this is what the MIL suggests she is a selfish dick. Bloody glad I have nicer DIL than you lot.

Exactly this.

Poster: I don't want to see my MIL on Mother's Day

99% of posters: Why should you? It's not your mum. DH can go and see his mum by himself

gannett · 16/03/2023 10:06

I don't understand why there's such a fixation on one specific date. There's no rule about having to be treated on, and only on, Mothers Day itself. If the MIL has already booked a restaurant for that day just say you'd like to be treated the day before or the following weekend. There is absolutely no need to squabble over one date.

DaveyJonesLocker · 16/03/2023 10:14

His Saturday spent gaming is bang out if order.

But I agree with you, MIL has been really inconsiderate with this request .

Swiftbushome · 16/03/2023 10:14

Everyone saying OPs DH can spend breakfast with her and evening - obviously breakfast will be rushed if he is going out for lunch and evening will be without the kids if they're little surely, since they'll be in bed? And mothers day left alone to look after young children (again) is not a treat. It's the same old drudgery as every other day while MIL gets a lovely lunch out. How is that fair?
The OP is doing the hard work of "mothering" not someone with adult children so she is the one who deserves to be treated.
On mother's day we are going out for lunch with MIL. This is a bit annoying as she will want to be Queen for the day but at least she invited me and the kids to go along. And DH has organised lunch out, with and on behalf of our young DC for the 4 of us the following Sunday. I'm happy with that arrangement.

EyesOnThePies · 16/03/2023 10:35

Given that you have a DH who doesn’t prioritise you and a selfish MIL, I think you need to put more into asserting your own needs. When he asked what you wanted to do for MD, had you stated a plan there and then, he would have already committed to that when his Mum summoned his presence at her exclusive lunch.

You shouldn’t have to, he is the problem, but neither should you be hesitant to say what you want.

I think the idea of leaving on Saturday without the kids so that he has them is a good plan.

Also swan off with friends for a day out leaving him with the kids on Father’s Day.

AnthonyTheTurtle · 16/03/2023 10:39

Over my dead body would my DH be spending every Saturday playing with his friends. For that YANBU. Get it sorted.

But you aren’t his mother. Of course he should spend time with his mum on Mother’s Day.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 16/03/2023 10:41

I think mums at the coal face of parenting should take priority on mothers' day. Those with older DC (I include myself) have a lot more freedom, generally.

I agree with this. The 'you are not your partner's mother so he doesn't need to show you any consideration' argument is total bullshit.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 16/03/2023 10:46

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 16/03/2023 01:53

I'm amazed that so many people bother with Mothers' Day. It seems to be far, far more trouble than it can possibly be worth.

Only if one or more of the adults involved is a inconsiderate or self absorbed twat, which actually seems to cover quite a few families according to mumsnet.

It's always a lovely day for me.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 16/03/2023 10:51

I don't think his mum is being selfish, she is a mother and wants to see her children. I think mothers of adult sons get such a bad time here. If you have sons is this the future you want?

I have a son. He is 14. If, when he is older and has a wife/partner and young children, and he leaves her on her own on Mother's Day with the children to have yet another day of daily grind mothering so he can have some, let's be honest, time out, to come and see me, I will know I have gone badly wrong with him somewhere. And I would tell him so.

Spectre8 · 16/03/2023 10:59

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 16/03/2023 10:41

I think mums at the coal face of parenting should take priority on mothers' day. Those with older DC (I include myself) have a lot more freedom, generally.

I agree with this. The 'you are not your partner's mother so he doesn't need to show you any consideration' argument is total bullshit.

It really isn't a bullshit argument. Its the very origins of what mothering Sunday is about. But if you want to use todays warped view of mothers day then all you do is set yourself up for potential disappointment and drama.

Eyerollcentral · 16/03/2023 11:22

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 07:06

It might not be from dawn to dusk, but it's pretty much prime time on Mother's Day.

Who's making or buying a nice lunch for the OP on Mother's Day?

No one.

The MIL has several other adult children with no responsibilities who can celebrate Mother's Day with her. She doesn't need them all to be there.

Show quote history

The husband presumably is buying her lunch at the lunch they have been invited to. ‘Prime time’ 🤣🤣🤣 it’s Mother’s Day, not a tv schedule. Yeah how dare that damn mother want to spend the day with all her children.

Magenta82 · 16/03/2023 11:28

ApiratesaysYarrr · 16/03/2023 10:05

Exactly this.

Poster: I don't want to see my MIL on Mother's Day

99% of posters: Why should you? It's not your mum. DH can go and see his mum by himself

Show quote history

That isn't what is happening here though is it.

The MIL is specifically excluding her grandchildren and DIL.

The children are not allowed to go to the mother's day meal and so the OP, who is a hardworking mother who needs a bit if apprecation, has to stay home with them, the same as every weekend.

Hbh17 · 16/03/2023 11:28

Well, in my opinion, way too much fuss is made about Mother's Day in general. But, to be fair, you are not his mother so I think he has a point.

VikingsandDragons · 16/03/2023 11:41

My initial reaction was to tell you you're not his mum, he should see his own mother on mother's day and prioritise what she wants to do. Your children should do the same (if under 10 then they need a bit longer to make you feel special). However then I realised he spends all day every Saturday checked out of family life gaming like a 12 year old and I realised where the confusion may have come in.

Thehonestbadger · 16/03/2023 11:59

‘Hi MIL, whilst I appreciate you want to enjoy a lovely Mother’s Day having a quiet lunch I’d rather not spend mine alone caring for small children whilst hubby goes for a nice quiet lunch. Hubby would be happy to come and bring along your grandchildren so I can also enjoy a bit of very rare ‘me time’ on my mothers day, otherwise he’ll be unable to attend. Let him know either way’ x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/03/2023 12:03

Thehonestbadger · 16/03/2023 11:59

‘Hi MIL, whilst I appreciate you want to enjoy a lovely Mother’s Day having a quiet lunch I’d rather not spend mine alone caring for small children whilst hubby goes for a nice quiet lunch. Hubby would be happy to come and bring along your grandchildren so I can also enjoy a bit of very rare ‘me time’ on my mothers day, otherwise he’ll be unable to attend. Let him know either way’ x

This sounds good. I do think Mother’s Day is primarily for mothers of little kids to be fussed over and given a break (I’d put myself even beyond that top priority category with my youngest being 9, although of course a fuss from the kids is very welcome!)

Equally I think that the gaming on Saturdays is the really big problem here, and that needs to stop.

Quisquam · 16/03/2023 12:05

Your main problem is the gaming with his mates every Saturday. Sort that out. If that was sorted I feel like this whole Mother's Day thing wouldn't even be an issue.

This.

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 12:06

Eyerollcentral · 16/03/2023 11:22

The husband presumably is buying her lunch at the lunch they have been invited to. ‘Prime time’ 🤣🤣🤣 it’s Mother’s Day, not a tv schedule. Yeah how dare that damn mother want to spend the day with all her children.

Show quote history

Eh?

The OP's husband isn't buying her lunch. He's doing the square root of fuck all for the OP, the mother of his children.

He's off out for a childfree lunch, after spending the day before having a childfree gaming session, whilst the OP spends Mother's Day doing wife work, like she does every day.

So, once again, who is taking the OP out for Mother's Day lunch, or doing anything at all to show appreciation for the work she does, day in day out, looking after their children?

Not her husband. He's checked out of family life.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 16/03/2023 12:17

@Spectre8

Its the very origins of what mothering Sunday is about.

Depends what origins you're talking about. Mothering Sunday was originally about honouring the church you were baptised in and had nothing at all to do with mothers for hundreds of years.

Eyerollcentral · 16/03/2023 12:46

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 12:06

Eh?

The OP's husband isn't buying her lunch. He's doing the square root of fuck all for the OP, the mother of his children.

He's off out for a childfree lunch, after spending the day before having a childfree gaming session, whilst the OP spends Mother's Day doing wife work, like she does every day.

So, once again, who is taking the OP out for Mother's Day lunch, or doing anything at all to show appreciation for the work she does, day in day out, looking after their children?

Not her husband. He's checked out of family life.

Show quote history

The OP is invited to the lunch too. Why wouldn’t her husband be paying for her??? The OP isn’t planning on going to the lunch because she’d rather cut off her nose to spite her face instead of seeing if anyone can mind the children for a couple of hours. She has a selfish husband who does what he wants, but sounds like he has always been like that. He’s unlikely to have the interest to arrange anything else so the OP’s options are sit at home like a martyr all day minding the children or get someone to mind them and go out have a nice lunch and a glass or two of wine.

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 13:01

Eyerollcentral · 16/03/2023 12:46

The OP is invited to the lunch too. Why wouldn’t her husband be paying for her??? The OP isn’t planning on going to the lunch because she’d rather cut off her nose to spite her face instead of seeing if anyone can mind the children for a couple of hours. She has a selfish husband who does what he wants, but sounds like he has always been like that. He’s unlikely to have the interest to arrange anything else so the OP’s options are sit at home like a martyr all day minding the children or get someone to mind them and go out have a nice lunch and a glass or two of wine.

Show quote history

Yeah because getting a Sunday babysitter to watch your children on Mother's Day is both (a) an easy thing to do (there are more babysitters who work weekends and won't want to spend Mother's Day with their own mothers or children than you can shake a stick at), and (b) a totally normal thing to want to do.

Of course the OP should be fine with not seeing her own children or her own mother on Mother's Day so that she can go and celebrate the woman who raised her selfish husband, rather than have anyone celebrating her.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 16/03/2023 13:03

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 16/03/2023 12:17

@Spectre8

Its the very origins of what mothering Sunday is about.

Depends what origins you're talking about. Mothering Sunday was originally about honouring the church you were baptised in and had nothing at all to do with mothers for hundreds of years.

Quite. If @Spectre8 wants to honour the origins of these days even though they have zero relevance to today's society then she should know that Mother's Day and Mothering Sunday were originally different days with different origins. But they have become mixed up and combined into one day now. Because times move on and traditions change. Just like the whole 'Mother's Day is only about your own mother and no other mother counts' thing.

CheersForThatEh · 16/03/2023 13:05

He seems used to everyone organising his life (his mum organised her own Mothers Day?) So just do that - organise it, plan it, book it. It's not idea but what else will you do?

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 13:09

CheersForThatEh · 16/03/2023 13:05

He seems used to everyone organising his life (his mum organised her own Mothers Day?) So just do that - organise it, plan it, book it. It's not idea but what else will you do?

Unfortunately I think this is the answer.

Next time the OP's husband asks what she wants to do on Mother's Day (or indeed if he doesn't ask), she needs to say, "I would like to take me and the children out for lunch, and organise a present from the children to me."

Even though that takes a lot of the joy out of it.