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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

278 replies

Kylakins87 · 15/03/2023 21:15

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Fifi0000 · 18/03/2023 00:32

YABU I think he's done a good compromise for mother's Day he's only going for lunch not the whole day and it's his DM!!! You aren't his mother . The gaming is a separate issue and really you are annoyed about that. if I said to DH I was going out for lunch with my dad for father's Day he wouldn't care nor would I if roles were reversed.

sussexpud · 18/03/2023 00:55

It's odd people saying he should be seeing his mum for this big lunch on Mother's Day. It sounds like you have small children and therefore he should be spending it with you and them. Sure he can pop by his mum's for a coffee and get her a card, but his place is with you and your kids while they are young.

labamba007 · 18/03/2023 05:51

Onnabugeisha · 17/03/2023 23:01

Fwiw, my grandmother disclosed her terminal cancer diagnosis to her adult children at a Mother’s Day dinner. 🤷‍♀️ And yes, we grand children were not invited. So it may be that MIL has something to discuss that is inappropriate for children.

And I read it that the OP is actually invited too, but doesn’t want to get a babysitter in, so she’s self-excluding.

There's not really going to be an abundance of babysitters available on Sunday lunch time on Mother's Day.

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 06:25

CoffeeChocolateWine · 17/03/2023 22:16

I am genuinely amazed and saddened by the number of mums and women on this thread that have been hoodwinked into believing they are undeserving of a bit of special treatment on Mother's Day because their kids are too young to understand or arrange something themselves and their partners and husbands don't bother because they are "not their mum"; the number of women being told they are self-centred to hope for some small token of appreciation and that they need to "wait for their turn" when the kids are old enough, even though the hard years when they actually need a little break and a bit of a boost are when they are little. It's bullshit and smacks of complete disrespect and disregard of your role as mother to their children. You deserve better, you really do.

A pp said something about it's nice that the OP's husband treats his Mum nicely, but chances are he learnt that from a good role model in his Dad. What about the OP's children? Where is the role model showing them what Mother's Day is about and how to show their appreciation and make her special? He's buggered off again to enjoy leisurely adults-only lunch, leaving OP to do the donkey work just like every other day and the kids won't even know that it's meant to be a special day for mums.

Well, he's setting the bar for these kinds of days and it is ridiculously low.

Exactly this.

When the OP's kids are older they probably won't be spoiling her on Mother's Day because no one will have taught them to.

When kids are small it's flowers and a card someone else has bought with some scribble in it, and some burnt toast in bed, facilitated by dad. Then when they're older it's a nice lunch out somewhere, booked and paid for by dad. Once the children are adults with their own money and they know that they're supposed to take their mum out for lunch, or send her a card and flowers if they're too far away to do that, dad can congratulate himself on a job well done and stop getting involved.

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 06:27

labamba007 · 18/03/2023 05:51

There's not really going to be an abundance of babysitters available on Sunday lunch time on Mother's Day.

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And even if there were, either it's reasonable to want to spend Mother's Day having a nice lunch with your children or it isn't.

It can't be simultaneously reasonable of the MIL to want to have lunch with all her children on Mother's Day, and unreasonable of the OP not to get a babysitter so she can go to MIL's lunch without her children on Mother's Day.

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 06:30

ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 00:25

I am appreciated all the time for being a mother - I don't want a special day for people to pander to me. If I'm going to do something on Mothers day it will be to do a little something special for my mum and my partners mum. I'm not going to wallow around wondering when someone's going to do something for me. I expect give and take ALL the time, not on one tokenistic day. It's the same as Valentines Day in my book. A load of consumerist twaddle .If the OP think Mother Day is so important, why on earth has she consigned her OWN mother to a different day?? She can't be bothered to see her own mum, but she expects her own family to pander to her.
It's a nonsense.

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She's having lunch with her mother the day before. Maybe she has siblings who are seeing her mother on the day itself.

Of the three mothers in this situation, the OP is the only one not being taken out for lunch.

SnacksRLife · 18/03/2023 07:45

Whilst I understand people saying that you can spend the day with your kids like he can spend the time with his mum, you two are different mums now. I don’t know the age of your kids, but him going to lunch with his mum is relaxing and no one has to parent anyone. You being left with the kids is, dependent on age, not necessarily relaxing. Even if you go out for lunch, or a walk, you’re still parenting them. I’d be a bit pissed if this was me.

Devoutspoken · 18/03/2023 08:18

Ticktickboom, your consumerist twaddle makes lots of people very happy, shall we ban birthdays and Christmas and other days of celebration?

ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 09:08

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 06:30

She's having lunch with her mother the day before. Maybe she has siblings who are seeing her mother on the day itself.

Of the three mothers in this situation, the OP is the only one not being taken out for lunch.

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Boo Hoo

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 09:22

ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 09:08

Boo Hoo

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You're the MIL, aren't you?

Ohhoho · 18/03/2023 09:35

In our secular age it’s become an unshiftable day of homage and sacrifice. It’s not an easy day. And we do it with as much grace as we can. My mum is dead, my son rang me yesterday to apologise missing the post with my card, my daughter will be taking me to the seaside with our dogs. She doesn’t have children, she moaned about it. I sent message saying yes it was silly she was busy let’s not go. She has rung me insisting we do. Her husband will visit his mother in nursing home, with card and flowers.
My son will be doing his bit for his wife and three daughters on the day. He will ring at an inappropriate time and I will act delighted as usual. It’s what you do. When my cards arrive there will be some from the granddaughters too. He remembers the cards he sent to his granny. She kept them and were with her effects when she died and she had got rid of most stuff. It’s a kerfuffle laden with potential guilt but it has meaning. And can make old mums very happy. And the tradition will be passed on. So present mums your turn will come again. And you will be touched and feel valued even though you know it’s silly.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 10:06

Devoutspoken · 18/03/2023 08:18

Ticktickboom, your consumerist twaddle makes lots of people very happy, shall we ban birthdays and Christmas and other days of celebration?

Why does everyone put so much misplaced importance on individual days? It's really silly. Theres a heck of a lot of me, me, me people out there. I am a mum, my son tells me he loves me every day. We"ve had an incredibly rough deal and being a mum has been shockingly hard from the day my son was born needing urgent surgery. I dont want a fucking day where everyone says well done you for popping one out and a pat on the back for 'doing so well"- it's very martyrish and patronising. I will spend some time with my own mum because shes been brilliant but I'm not going to get het up about what people do or don't do for me on one day.
People need perspective.
Spend time with you own mother and your own kids if you really want to mark it.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 10:13

Devoutspoken · 18/03/2023 08:18

Ticktickboom, your consumerist twaddle makes lots of people very happy, shall we ban birthdays and Christmas and other days of celebration?

Not ban them but the ridiculous present-buying-money-festing needs to stop along with the ridiculous expectations and pressure it puts on people.
Just say Happy Birthday/Christmas, I love you and spend a bit of time together. Nothing else needed.

CrazyLadie · 18/03/2023 12:07

MadMadMadamMim · 15/03/2023 21:31

I think Mothers day should be for mothers who are actually parenting day in, day out, to be honest. Like you, by the sound of it. A day off from the constant grind.

Mothers of grown up children, who have passed this stage of their lives and aren't parenting full time any longer come second at this point. They can arrange lunch when they like. I say this as a 60 year old mother of 5. I'm not devastated if my adult children make other plans for Sunday.

Not all Mums feel that way, and it's only when yer kids grow up that they really appreciate all you have done as a parent etc. Mothers day should include all Mums in some way

Littlewhitepet · 18/03/2023 14:02

I think your mother in law is unreasonable. They know the children won't be able to come, and are still pushing for a child exclusive venue. What a load of nonsense. I'd expect you all to pop in for a cup of tea in the afternoon, but you are the mother of his children, and you should all be together.

jays · 18/03/2023 14:06

PandyMoanyMum · 15/03/2023 21:22

His Mum is being a selfish dick. She hasn’t thought about you at all. He’s also a selfish dick every weekend and I’d be raging. Time to prioritise yourself because these dicks won’t.

Totally agree!

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 14:37

CrazyLadie · 18/03/2023 12:07

Not all Mums feel that way, and it's only when yer kids grow up that they really appreciate all you have done as a parent etc. Mothers day should include all Mums in some way

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Including the OP!

So when does she get spoiled on Mother's Day?

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 17:26

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 14:37

Including the OP!

So when does she get spoiled on Mother's Day?

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Per the OP- she gets spoiled the whole day apart from lunchtime. She has been offered both a special breakfast and dinner. She’s also been invited to a child free luncheon with MIL but is self-excluding.

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 17:27

labamba007 · 18/03/2023 05:51

There's not really going to be an abundance of babysitters available on Sunday lunch time on Mother's Day.

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Nor would there be a lack of them either.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 18/03/2023 17:31

She’s also been invited to a child free luncheon with MIL but is self-excluding.

Oh come on, you know you're being disingenuous with the 'self-excluding' bit!

Even if there was someone who can babysit, it is a bit shit to leave your kids with someone else on Mother's Day because your MIL doesn't want them around.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 18/03/2023 17:32

Let's celebrate motherhood by getting a babysitter and going out for lunch! Makes loads of sense.

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 17:33

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 18/03/2023 17:31

She’s also been invited to a child free luncheon with MIL but is self-excluding.

Oh come on, you know you're being disingenuous with the 'self-excluding' bit!

Even if there was someone who can babysit, it is a bit shit to leave your kids with someone else on Mother's Day because your MIL doesn't want them around.

I don’t think it’s a “bit shit” to go out for a child free lunch on Mothers Day, not when you’re the one home with them 90% of the time. I have never understood this be a martyr to your children attitude.

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 17:34

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 18/03/2023 17:32

Let's celebrate motherhood by getting a babysitter and going out for lunch! Makes loads of sense.

You’re the one being disingenuous now because the celebration of OP as a mother can be breakfast AND dinner on the same day. The MIL lunch is only 2hrs out of an entire day.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 18/03/2023 17:36

I have never understood this be a martyr to your children attitude.

Some people like spending time with their kids!

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 18/03/2023 17:38

@Onnabugeisha

Why does one mother (MIL) take precedence over another? Why does one get to set the terms for the other person's day?