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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

278 replies

Kylakins87 · 15/03/2023 21:15

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 15/03/2023 22:03

I think it's a bit harsh of the mum to exclude you and grandchildren. My MIL or parents wouldn't do this

Nooyoiknooyoik · 15/03/2023 22:03

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/03/2023 22:00

Bloody hell MIL really are the devils spawn on MN aren't they. Every thread we have had on this has said a DH should see his mother whilst the DW and kids should see hers. But when this is what the MIL suggests she is a selfish dick. Bloody glad I have nicer DIL than you lot.

MIL is not correct to exclude children from a Mother’s Day lunch that means her DIL can’t go. If it was her birthday for example that would be different.

IWineAndDontDine · 15/03/2023 22:04

This is really difficult. I mean, I get it. It's mother's day. His mother wants her adult children there. But, on the other hand, is it not about OP too? Instead of a nice lunch she's been excluded from, a nice lunch where OPs husband doesnt have to worry about anyone else, she gets... more childcare? With no help? Happy mothers day...

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 15/03/2023 22:05

I agree with you OP, this spend the time with your own kids stuff, lovely, but actually parenting small children is not always super relaxing, it sounds like OP does a lot of the parenting all of the time, having a rest of someone to share it with is absolutely reasonable. I think your MIL is a dick and so is your DH.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/03/2023 22:06

And I don't massively think the Saturday gaming thing is a massive deal if he pulls his weight the rest of the time. My husband and I both have time dedicated to our individual hobbies and things we enjoy. You have Saturday mornings, evenings and all day Sunday.

But the MIL excluding you is shit but I can see why he's going along with it.

RosaBonheur · 15/03/2023 22:07

Deathbyfluffy · 15/03/2023 21:40

Why should his mum think about her? Maybe she doesn’t want a meal with kids present, and that’s fine.
His mum has been quite clear the meal is for her adult children, not their partners or kids.

Show quote history

So because the OP's MIL wants to spend Mother's Day with her adult children and not their partners or her grandchildren, the OP is expected to spend Mother's Day the same way she spends every other day, doing childcare with no help from her useless DH?

Sounds like the OP has a selfish MIL who has raised a selfish son.

Itsmyturnnow1 · 15/03/2023 22:07

The issue is the gaming every Saturday.. I’d be furious. But also, your MIL is being selfish because she knows you won’t be able to come to the meal if kids aren’t invited. Therefore you’re not getting a treat on Mother’s Day when you’re a mother too!

WolfieWolfie · 15/03/2023 22:07

IamnotSethRogan · 15/03/2023 22:06

And I don't massively think the Saturday gaming thing is a massive deal if he pulls his weight the rest of the time. My husband and I both have time dedicated to our individual hobbies and things we enjoy. You have Saturday mornings, evenings and all day Sunday.

But the MIL excluding you is shit but I can see why he's going along with it.

Apart from she has the kids to look after, it’s not like she can just bugger off on her own is it

maddening · 15/03/2023 22:07

PandyMoanyMum · 15/03/2023 21:22

His Mum is being a selfish dick. She hasn’t thought about you at all. He’s also a selfish dick every weekend and I’d be raging. Time to prioritise yourself because these dicks won’t.

Totally agree - his mum should have enabled her sons dc and their mother to join the lunch at the least.

Him fucking off every Saturday is also not acceptable.

Devoutspoken · 15/03/2023 22:07

Shit mil, shit dp

ApplePlantagenet · 15/03/2023 22:08

Why is a grandmother excluding her grandchildren from her mother's day lunch? It doesn't make any sense at all. Very selfish behaviour.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/03/2023 22:09

Tell him if he is going to his mothers lunch on Sunday he forgoes gaming on Saturday and you do your Mother’s Day then

if he refuses, then just dont celebrate Father’s Day,

nocoolnamesleft · 15/03/2023 22:10

Prioritising his mum on mother's day is probably okay. Ditching you and the kids every Saturday so he can twat about gaming is not. Sort the Saturdays.

DawntilDusk4 · 15/03/2023 22:11

I don’t bother with Mothers Day, Fathers Day or Valentine’s Day. It was never a thing when we were growing up with my parents. All made up and commercial crap. My kids never even have to consider it. Birthdays and Christmas I’ll celebrate but still quite low key. I am free of all the drama, thankfully.

cadburyegg · 15/03/2023 22:11

I'm sceptical of his motives tbh. What is he like as a father when he is present? Does he let you have any "me" time?

This weekend he's going to spend half of Saturday at his friend's house, and half of Sunday with his mum.

Sounds like he is trying to opt out of family life by making up plausible excuses as to why he can't possibly spend a whole weekend with his family.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/03/2023 22:11

Every Saturday ???

That's your issue

Freddiefox · 15/03/2023 22:13

You should tell him to visit his mum, and while he’s there pack his stuff and leave it on the door step.
what do you get out of this relationship? He leaves you every week to go gaming. And you’re asking to be thrown a few crumbs one day a year. Why are you letting him treat you with such disrespect .

Thisismeyeah · 15/03/2023 22:13

I think this is the most bizarre thing. Why would they arrange a meal out in the day on Mothers Day you clearly cant go to? Are your kids really wild?

daiseydreamer · 15/03/2023 22:17

I don't think what anyone else thinks is right or wrong matters. This wouldn't bother me in the slightest (gaming every single week would) but him going out for Mother's Day lunch with his mum and leaving me with the kids wouldn't matter. I'd get the kids and the duvet and snacks and be perfectly happy cuddled in front of a film.

But, it bothers you. You don't need validation from others to be hurt my his lack of thought or consideration. You want family time and to be priority and seeing as he has every single Saturday to do as he pleases then you wanting this one day is perfectly valid.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2023 22:18

I'm fine with the afternoon off, as long as you get the same.
It's horses for courses and it would have been good to check you were in the same page before deciding to have kids. Some couples both want full on weekend family time, some prioritise both adults getting time for themselves. Neither is right or wrong, you just need to be on the same page.
I think going out with his mum just over lunchtime is fine.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 15/03/2023 22:18

of course the gaming every single Saturday is ridiculous tell him no.
the Sunday lunch would annoy me also , I’ve had this with my dh when mine were little what I wanted to do was overlooked as he has to spend time with his mum . My argument was she’s brought her dc up and retired I work / cool / clean and look after his dc I trump his mum . But now after 20 years I just tell him his I’m how I’m spending Mother’s Day .

Devoutspoken · 15/03/2023 22:19

Dawntildusk, no drama in our house either, just a full day dedicated to me! Ace

HedwigIsMyDemon · 15/03/2023 22:21

@sweeneytoddsrazor yep I was thinking exactly the same thing! Literally every other thread on this has said it’s for the DH to go and see MIL.

Now of course that makes MIL a selfish cow.

MILs can’t do right for doing wrong 🙄.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 15/03/2023 22:22

I’m with you OP. I’d be pissed off too. His mum is being totally selfish and he’s going along with it. So he goes off for a nice relaxed adults only lunch and leaves you at home entertaining the kids on your own. I wouldn’t be happy either. He should see his mum on Saturday and spend Sunday with you and the children.

doodleygirl · 15/03/2023 22:22

The only issue is your selfish DH, the rest is window dressing and it allows you to lay the blame at your MIL’s door rather than tackling the wanker husband.