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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

278 replies

Kylakins87 · 15/03/2023 21:15

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
PMAmostofthetime · 15/03/2023 23:45

I think it's very selfish of his mother and unmotherly to not want her grandchildren there on Mother's Day if you were invited you could all enjoy it together.
X

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 23:47

RosaBonheur · 15/03/2023 23:39

Oh so the OP should go for lunch with her MIL and not see either her own children or her own mother on Mother's Day, to accommodate the woman who raised such a shit husband and father?

This gets better and better.

Show quote history

Don’t think the lunch is from dawn to dusk. That’s why I said can someone mind the kids for a couple of hours. The OP will have approximately 14 hours left in the waking hours aside from the lunch to spend time with her children and see her own mother. Great work blaming a woman for her son’s faults.

MyBrotherIsATit · 15/03/2023 23:50

the meal invite should be open to all of you, kids and yourself. However maybe he could forgo his game playing that weekend to spend Saturday with you instead. You can celebrate mothers day Saturday.

MyBrotherIsATit · 15/03/2023 23:51

he’s got Saturday afternoons off. What time do you have off? It’s important to both have hobbies and interests

Spectre8 · 15/03/2023 23:54

Gustavo1 · 15/03/2023 23:40

I disagree with those saying be with your kids and he should be with his mum. I admit, it’s a day for mothers but when children are little, they aren’t capable of giving their mum a lovely day without input from another adult. In most families, that adult is the other parent.
Of course people should work in a visit to their own mothers but leaving the OP to do the heavy lifting childcare wise whilst DH has a lovely, adult only dinner with his mum really isn’t on in my book.

Of the kids are too young to understand then just wait until they can. Mothers day has warped into something so far removed from the reason it was started.

If people are going to get so caught up into the whole commercialisation of the day (thanks hallmark) and get upset over a morphed version of what the day is about, then there is no helping those people. Utterly pathetic.

Orders76 · 15/03/2023 23:57

So as a gamer I understand needing time to game. Infantile but like any other hobby.
However, I take my gamer time on Tuesday evening (boring night) for 3 hours while partner watches TV. It cannot eat into weekend family time as that's so special.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 15/03/2023 23:58

I saw the thread title and was ready to tell you that you’re being unreasonable, but YANBU.

whynotwhatknot · 16/03/2023 00:12

so every saturday you have to sort the kids take them out etc and now on mothers day when yorue meant to be spoilt youre doing the same thing as always

nice

Isthisreasonable · 16/03/2023 00:39

As the siblings are separated and won't be seeing their own children perhaps MIL felt having OPs kids at the meal would be upsetting for the siblings.

It would have been more thoughtful for MIL to have taken the adults for an evening meal so that OP could have had a nice day and lunch I would have thought it easier to get a sitter for an evening meal on mother's day too.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 16/03/2023 00:48

Your husband needs to grow up. He's not a teen FFS. As for mother's day why can't he just say we have made plans as a family. So we all come or don't come at all. Why wouldn't she want her adult children and grandchildren there? Very odd.

Coatsoff42 · 16/03/2023 00:52

YANBU

go away for a cheap weekend with your kids for Mother’s Day and have some fun, book a lovely Father’s Day with your father (no kids), and a half day activity every weekend for parity.

Ap42 · 16/03/2023 00:58

Erm, op is the mother to this dickwads children. Presuming their too young to organise something themselves for her I think he absolutely should prioritise op over his own Mother. Particularly if his own mother hasn't even considered her!

AlwaysLatte · 16/03/2023 01:06

Fancy arranging a Mother's Day lunch where children are not invited. Your MIL is selfish to suggest it, knowing it would split the family on the day. Could you all have a special lunch and nice walk at home instead? We usually do that and have meals out at different times when restaurants aren't so busy.

user1492757084 · 16/03/2023 01:26

Why not spend Mothers' Day with your DH and DC except for lunch time when you all go out to lunch with MIL.

Either all go or just you and your husband.
I would be asking husband to tell his mother that he is bringing his whole family. She should be able to understand that. Husband should be able to understand that.
The Saturday problem - I would start insisting that he takes the kids every second time and allocates about one Saturday per month where he misses games and opts for family.
If he can't manage one Saturday I would be sending kids with him every Saturday.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 16/03/2023 01:53

I'm amazed that so many people bother with Mothers' Day. It seems to be far, far more trouble than it can possibly be worth.

user1477391263 · 16/03/2023 03:03

MadMadMadamMim · 15/03/2023 21:31

I think Mothers day should be for mothers who are actually parenting day in, day out, to be honest. Like you, by the sound of it. A day off from the constant grind.

Mothers of grown up children, who have passed this stage of their lives and aren't parenting full time any longer come second at this point. They can arrange lunch when they like. I say this as a 60 year old mother of 5. I'm not devastated if my adult children make other plans for Sunday.

This!! I send my mum and MIL flowers and cards etc., but those who are actually at the coal face right now get priority.

As PP have said, he’s spending too much of the weekend on gaming. Although no doubt we’ll have the usual gaming addict posters coming along in a minute to tell us that we JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, and that gaming is no more addictive than any other hobby, but at the same time it’s impossible to cut down so the OP should be more accommodating.

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 04:27

His mother is selfish with not a thought for you and your husband is treating you as if you come in last on a list of more important people. He has been doing as he pleases for ages and thinks he can continue doing it.

I would feel the same as you. You are well and truly over his sorry behavior and I don’t blame you. I’d be tempted to take the children out for the weekend, stay at a nice hotel so when he gets back from gaming Saturday he comes home to an empty house and then Sunday he has his lunch with his mother and then twiddle his thumbs the rest of the day. I’d also decline doing anything special for Father’s Day. People like him have to be shown their own actions in order to understand what they’re doing. Personally I would not want to be with someone I had to force to take me out for Mother’s Day. He sounds awful.

Zebedee55 · 16/03/2023 04:35

Saturdays are your problem, not him wanting to spend Mothers Day with his Mum.

That is quite normal.

Sort out Saturdays.😗

Dozycuntlaters · 16/03/2023 05:13

I think people are focusing too much on the fact that he games round his mates house. How long is he there for? A couple of hours? The whole afternoon and evening? Would you be as annoyed about it if he was just going round for a cuppa and a catch up? What is he like the rest of the week and Sundays in general? We need more info before jumping on the band wagon saying he's selfish etc.

Re Mothers Day, I don't think it's a hanging offence for his mum to want to have a nice meal with her children. MN seems to have gone bat shit this year re Mother's Day for some reason, never have I seen so many posts about it. People have their own views on how Mother's Day should be spent, there is no right or wrong.

Noicant · 16/03/2023 05:36

I actually think it’s fine that he goes to his mum for mothers day. What is not fine is everything else in your relationship. A whole day every weekend at his mates house is just copping out of parenting isn’t it. I’m guessing you don’t disappear for the whole of the other weekend day leaving him with the kids?

RumandSpinach · 16/03/2023 06:09

Dozycuntlaters · 16/03/2023 05:13

I think people are focusing too much on the fact that he games round his mates house. How long is he there for? A couple of hours? The whole afternoon and evening? Would you be as annoyed about it if he was just going round for a cuppa and a catch up? What is he like the rest of the week and Sundays in general? We need more info before jumping on the band wagon saying he's selfish etc.

Re Mothers Day, I don't think it's a hanging offence for his mum to want to have a nice meal with her children. MN seems to have gone bat shit this year re Mother's Day for some reason, never have I seen so many posts about it. People have their own views on how Mother's Day should be spent, there is no right or wrong.

It wouldn't be a hanging offence if MIL recognised that her son might not want to leave his DW to childcare on mother's day. She has other DC who can spoil her.

I do think it's selfish to see the same friend every Saturday afternoon. That leaves only Sundays for family days out or weekends away/visiting family friends. It wouldn't be selfish if he then invited OP to have some time to herself on Saturday mornings but he isn't.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/03/2023 06:14

I think his mum should've chosen a restaurant where kids were allowed and you could've gone as well. It's shit that you are excluded and everyone else is invited.

I would've be massively happy either although saying that, Mothers Day is a load of commercialised bunkum that enables restaurants to double their prices for a Sunday lunch and a glass of cheap fizz for Mum.

pictoosh · 16/03/2023 06:51

There’s nothing wrong with his MD plans, sounds a good compromise.
I take issue with the Saturdays at his mate’s place. Doesn’t matter if he’s gaming or basket weaving, he ought to be weeding that arrangement out some. Now and then when there’s not much else going on, fine. That’s when I tend to catch up with a friend too. Every single Saturday is a selfish piss take and an avoidance of family life, leaving you to pick up the slack.

pictoosh · 16/03/2023 06:52

But he knows that. That’s why he does it.

Rumourhasit1 · 16/03/2023 06:52

I think it is nice to have one on one time with a parent but I don't think Mothers Day is the day to do it when it means excluding you.

I love treating my dad to days out but wouldn't do it on Father's Day leaving my DH at home with the kids.

The constant Sat's gaming is unfair.

If it was me in the short term..... Ask him to have DC on the Sat so you get to celebrate on the Sat just you and your mum. Do the brunch together on the Sun then he has lunch with his mum.

I would then be really pissed off if he said no I can't do Sat as I'm gaming! I get this might seem unfair on your DM though if she was looking forward to seeing DGC.

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