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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

278 replies

Kylakins87 · 15/03/2023 21:15

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 16/03/2023 06:56

The mum who is in the middle of the hard graft of raising kids is the mum who deserves it more

olivehater · 16/03/2023 06:57

He should see his mum but with the kids. You should not have to do childcare on Mother’s Day.
on Mother’s Day I normally take my mum out for lunch ( maybe with one child) while he takes the other two to his mums. That’s fair.

StripyHorse · 16/03/2023 07:04

Spectre8 · 15/03/2023 23:37

Oh god the drama llama 🙄 mothers day is about children reuniting with their mother and honouring the role as a mother. Thats where it originated from.

Your husband is not your child! So yes absolutely 💯 that he goes and has lunch with his mother.

As for the gaming well how much does he help during the week, how much time other than gaming on sat does he also spend on his hobbies. How much do you. There is not enough info to even judge if his gaming is too much.

This was about children reuniting with their mother - when they were in service etc. and did not have the time off / freedom to do what they wished most of the year. Communication and travel were obviously not as easy as they are now. The adult mother wouldn't then be going to see her mother.

Traditions have changed since then (as they usually do) and it has become more about thanking mum for what she does.
If the children are so young they need help to make the day special for their mum then the dad should step up and not bugger off on an adults only family meal.

VintageThoughts · 16/03/2023 07:06

Your DH is a child and your MIL is thoughtless and selfish.

Once your DH became a father, his priorities should have changed and his DM should have seen that. If she didn't want you all to go for a meal together she shouldn't have invited him at all.

As for the gaming thing 🤯. No words.

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 07:06

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 23:47

Don’t think the lunch is from dawn to dusk. That’s why I said can someone mind the kids for a couple of hours. The OP will have approximately 14 hours left in the waking hours aside from the lunch to spend time with her children and see her own mother. Great work blaming a woman for her son’s faults.

Show quote history

It might not be from dawn to dusk, but it's pretty much prime time on Mother's Day.

Who's making or buying a nice lunch for the OP on Mother's Day?

No one.

The MIL has several other adult children with no responsibilities who can celebrate Mother's Day with her. She doesn't need them all to be there.

Magenta82 · 16/03/2023 07:07

Both the MIL and her son are selfish.

I can't imagine a caring mother setting up a Mother's Day lunch that would exclude her grandchildren and DIL. I can't imagine a caring husband going along with it.

Keepupandout · 16/03/2023 07:07

Nothing wrong with his Saturday gaming as long as you get equal time off at a time and in a form that equally suits you. If you want Sat afternoons for your friends, sport, activity or whatever, then you should each take Sat afternoon in turns.

Mother's Day - he's trying to thread the needle here, seeing his mum and spending time with you.

The only unreasonable bit is her request that no children are allowed at lunch. He should go see his Mum, and take the dc with him. Or make his apologies.

Haraebo · 16/03/2023 07:10

Bloody hell, I would be livid.

All those people saying that he's her husband and not child though.

No, she is the MOTHER of his CHILDREN. They are a family unit and this is a special day for Mum. So he should be staying home and making it special! He can pop over and see his Mum, but I would not be having him going for lunch where the kids and I were not invited!!!

And he needs to sort that gaming shit out.

Devoutspoken · 16/03/2023 07:10

She certainly raised a selfish child, chip off the old block

Magenta82 · 16/03/2023 07:25

Have you asked you MIL why the children are excluded and what she is expecting you to do OP?
I'm not talking about a full on confrontation, but some gentle probing about what she is expecting you to do might make her realise she is being selfish and exclusionary.

KrasiTime · 16/03/2023 07:33

So if you wanted to go out for the day as a family you couldn’t as he’s got a lunch to go to??

Fuck that. I’d take myself off for the weekend actually & leave him to it. He seems to do little parenting so let him see what it’s like.

His mum is clearly selfish as well.

No way would my MIL have pulled this shit & she would have had dhs guts for garters at the gaming every Saturday.

KillingLoneliness · 16/03/2023 08:09

I don’t get why people make such a fuss over mothers day?
As soon as we had our own children we stopped visiting our parents on mothers and Father’s Day, we usually buy them a gift and visit them on a different day instead but neither of our families ever made a big deal out of it in the first place, it was always just a quick visit for a cup tea and to say hi.

PuppyMonkey · 16/03/2023 08:34

They both sound like proper knob ends tbf.

“Gaming” - cringe.

Holly60 · 16/03/2023 08:40

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2023 21:45

His gaming every Saturday is the problem, not one Sunday lunch with his Mum

This. Tell him to start prioritising you over his mates.

neverbeenskiing · 16/03/2023 08:57

I don't understand the people telling OP it doesn't matter if her DH isn't there because she should be spending the day with her own DC. When you are the Mother of small children the vast majority if not all of your time is spent with them, so it's not exactly a special treat getting to look after them alone while your DH fucks off for a relaxing child-free lunch! No way would I put up with that. If my DH wants to see his DM on Mother's Day then of course that's fine, but he can take the kids to visit her while I read my book or have a nice long bath.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 09:02

FML.

I hate to say it OP, but ….

He’s just not that into you.

5128gap · 16/03/2023 09:10

His mum has not made it easy for her children to attend by specifying their own children cannot, which is very odd of her imo; and for that reason in your husband's position I'd be declining her invitation and spending the day with you and your children.
Unfortunately a man who prefers to spend Saturday gaming than being with his family is likely to prefer to attend the resturant, and will no doubt hide beind his filial duty to justify doing what he prefers. So I think you'll have a fight on your hands.

Tiredmummaoftwo · 16/03/2023 09:17

I'd be annoyed.

With the gaming first and foremost and because of this it would make me less likely to let the Mother's Day issue go.

If he was present the rest of the time, I don't think you'd mind as much about Mother's Day but I do think it's unreasonable his mum has purposely organised something you can't go to as well. I also believe Mother's Day is more important for those in the thick of parenting.

Like others have said, when do you get your afternoon off?

Brefugee · 16/03/2023 09:20

I don't think his mum is being selfish, she is a mother and wants to see her children. I think mothers of adult sons get such a bad time here. If you have sons is this the future you want?

You will be with your children as their mother. Do whatever you want for the day.
As pp said: the real issue is the gaming. So you need to get that sorted out. How about every other week, and then you do something yourself, alone, on the "off weeks"

And next year, be ready with an answer about what you want on mother's day. Dawn to dusk attention and pampering from your DH and the children, so then he can turn down his mother. (urgh, tho)

You don't mention if your own mother is around or your father, but i love pp's idea that you spend father's day with your father and your DH spends the day, alone, with his DCs

Brefugee · 16/03/2023 09:21

Having said that: does DH have sisters? what are they doing, if so? Because if they spend time with their mother, they're not spending that time with their own children, surely?

CoffeeChocolateWine · 16/03/2023 09:22

Spectre8 · 15/03/2023 23:37

Oh god the drama llama 🙄 mothers day is about children reuniting with their mother and honouring the role as a mother. Thats where it originated from.

Your husband is not your child! So yes absolutely 💯 that he goes and has lunch with his mother.

As for the gaming well how much does he help during the week, how much time other than gaming on sat does he also spend on his hobbies. How much do you. There is not enough info to even judge if his gaming is too much.

This was the origin of Mother's Day, true. But that was well over 100 years ago. Things have moved on and traditions have changed. It is more traditional now for children to make cards and give flowers to their mother to thank her for everything she does and make her feel special and appreciated. And if the children are too young to do that themselves the father helps them. Yes he obviously also treats his own mother but she is no longer the only mother in his life. She is his own mother but I am the mother of his children and I would never tolerate having that belittled or dismissed as you seem to be suggesting.

Mother's Day is not only about your own mother any more. It is to honour the role of all mothers and motherhood. I don't expect a lot, but I would be pissed off if, for all I do for our family and our children, DH decided I could be ignored and left me to it on Mother's Day because I am not his mother. I am a very significant mother in his life and thankfully I am treated as such.

And I receive and send lovely messages from friends and fellow Mums on Mother's Day wishing them a lovely and relaxing day!

Nooyoiknooyoik · 16/03/2023 09:22

I’m not normally a MIL basher at all but in this case…

What was she thinking? Was she just thoughtless - or will be she sitting smugly in her throne, surrounded by sons that have “chosen” her over their partners and children?

Given that her son is such a child - “gaming” every Saturday with his best friend like a nine year old - you’d have to wonder.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 16/03/2023 09:24

I think its pretty spiteful of his mum wanting him to go for lunch with her and his siblings on mothers day when she knows you are a mother to his young kids!

She should have extended the invite to you, his wife and the children on this occasion.

I do agree though its the gaming that's the problem. No grown man needs to go round his mates house every Saturday to game.

diddl · 16/03/2023 09:37

He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.

Tbh that sounds fine to me.

As many others have said the problem is that he's never available on a Sat afternoon to be a family!

Yellowdays · 16/03/2023 09:55

Everything is wrong here. A man with children who expects to spend every Saturday playing computer games with his mates, and a mother in law who is spiteful enough to plan a Mother's Day meal to exclude both children and their children's spouses. Also there is something quite proprietorial about it-almost as if she is wanting to claim the only mother space, with the big event.

I have two grandchildren and I have young adult children, and I would never do anything like this-it's just insensitive. I also think, and perhaps this isn't a usual view, that mothers who are knee deep in small children and other responsibilities deserve more of a Mother's Day appreciation and break than us older ones, especially if we're retired.