To want my husband to skip Mother's Day Lunch with his Mom?

[Kylakins87]

It's a bone of contention in our house each week that my husband spends every single Saturday afternoon in his best friend's house playing video games.
For me, weekends should be for family time. Not exclusively, of course, but for the most part. I think it's great to meet friends, but doing so religiously on a Saturday does scupper and cut short a lot of the weekend plans I have for us.
Thats why I do expect that on Mother's Day we spend the day doing things that are important to me ie. Spending time together as a family, going for a family walk, meal out, whatever it is i dont really mind as long as we are together as a family.
My husband has thoughtfully asked me how I would like to spend Mother's Day on Sunday. I appreciated him asking and I had yet to decide. But I knew it would consist of maybe going for brunch or lunch and spending the day together.
But now, there is a spanner in the works. His Mother (who I love) wants to celebrate her Mother's Day by having lunch in a restaurant with her adult children. Actual children are not welcome. Therefore if my husband is to attend, I will have to stay home with our kids.
I want my husband to see his Mother on Mother's Day, but I thought maybe he would call to her with her present and spend an hour with her over a cuppa, or even that we as a family would all pop over during the day at a time that suited us all, not that he would leave me to go out for lunch for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we discussed this, my husband said that the day wasn't all about me, and that it's his mother's Mother's Day too.
I suppose I feel a bit under prioritised and again am annoyed that the day will be interrupted with another engagement.
The Mothers Day lunch suits all of his other siblings because they are all either single without kids, or else separated, so would not be spending their day with partners anyway.
He is saying that he can go for breakfast with me, and spend the whole late afternoon with me and the evening time too, just not this chunk in the middle where he goes for lunch.
It's just not sitting right with me.
I wouldnt go for lunch with my Father on Father's Day and leave him at home with our children on his own. I would either bring him and the kids along to the lunch, or I would have the Father's Day lunch on a day that wasnt actually Fathers Day instead.
I am going for Mother's Day lunch with my Mom, but on the day before Mother's Day.
What are your thoughts?

But if the OP wanted to have a child free lunch with her own mother this Sunday, she couldn't, because she has to do childcare. Again. While her husband doesn what he wants. Again.

His mother is being selfish excluding you, it would be different if you were welcome to go along too, a nice inclusive get together, but if she really wants just her own offspring that's fine but should be on another day.... like the Saturday.

OK...2 things here. Mothers Day and Saturday afternoons/family time in general....
This plan won't solve things but it will certainly generate a discussion
1
Tell him you really didn't want to bother going out for breakfast (too rushed) and why doesnt he just do his mum on Sunday. You've already got yours sorted for Saturday. Make sure you mention having the kids and his mum getting the best day but you've begrudgingly agreed.
2
On Saturday morning about 11 say See you later Hun...and leave without the kids. He'll be surprised/annoyed but you can refer to #1...but we've already discussed this. He'll only remember the bit where you mention you having the kids (well he should listen)
3
Tell OH you went to Mum's, she could see you were upset. You explained yd be alone now on Sunday so she said we'll let's have a proper MsDay tomorrow(Sunday) with the kids. Loveli idea Mum, I'm a bit upset anyway now.....you spoke with BF (or whoever) who said let's go for Bottomless Brunch...
4
Arrive home teatime nice n tipsy. What's for tea? Oh I'm stuffed. Didn't you get yourself something
5
You take kids to Mum's or join whoever (sibling) on Sunday. Take kids cinema? Get home 8pm, kids to bed....talk!

These Mother's Day posts amaze me, they really do. If I understand your post correctly, your MIL has arranged her own Mother's Day lunch to celebrate herself? Who does this???

I'm so grateful that this stuff isn't even an issue in my family. A couple of years ago my brother suggested to our DM that her came to visit her on Mother's Day meaning that he would leave his wife to look after their young children for the day. My DM said to him "Don't you dare! Mother's Day is not for women like me; it is for the woman who are living the day-in day-out daily grind of mothering their children and need a break. That is your wife; not your 70yo mother. I spend my days on the golf course darling, I don't need celebrating!" We send cards, we send flowers and we give her a call and have a nice chat.

My DH is the same with his DM. He sends a card, a gift and talks to her on the phone, but spends the day with us. And it was the same when we were both growing up. My Dad never went off to spend Mother's Day with his Mum...it was about giving his wife, the mother of his four DC, and the mother in our household, a much needed break to show his appreciation for all she did. Same for DH's family. And before anyone says it, no, there is no way I would expect my DC to spend Mother's Day with me when they are adults instead of their wife! I'm not saying

But then only on Mumsnet is Mother's Day become some big celebration event. Mother's Day for me is a bit of a lie-in, a card, a cuddle in bed with my DC and maybe a bunch of daffs and then frankly, business as usual! Perfect!

OP, YANBU 💐 But if he must go to lunch with his DM on Sunday, then put your foot down about the gaming on Saturday.

Why on earth has his mother set up an event that excludes her grandchildren, and as a result excludes you?

Dreadful that he agreed to this part of it.

Leaving you to ‘celebrate’ with your children is leaving you to do childcare while he fucks of for lunch without you.

He should be facilitating his own children to make a nice day for you.

He and his mother are thoughtless and self absorbed.

I would be furious.

I too think the bigger issue is the gaming and general lack of family time to care

However I also think it's very bad form of his Mum to plan something for herself on Mother's Day that doesn't inc. the mother of her only grandchildren who is left at home to parent by herself, and right in the middle of the day so all plans scuppered.

I presume there is a reason that she is not spending it with her Mum and her DH and MIL know this

Can’t you get someone to mind your kids for a couple of hours?

I agree with this.
As the Mother of adult men, I wouldn't dream of inviting them out on mothers day, taking them away from their own partners and families.
I would hope that they would send a card and maybe flowers.
The fact that you and your children are not even
invited but he is still going to go without you, tells you everything.
I would be hurt and very annoyed by this prat.

Still stuck at the idea of a Mother’s Day lunch that explicitly excludes young children.

This with bells on.
Mine are teenagers and feel it is a day off for those with little children for whom it is relentless.

The gaming thing is the bigger issue but why can't his mum pick a restaurant suitable for you and the kids? Surely most Sunday lunch type places serve food your kids eat?

It's very selfish of DH and MIL,they are only thinking of themselves.
Yanbu to want your DH to spend the day with you and your DC on mothers day. Leaving you alone with the kids, isn't a special day as some pp are suggesting it a day of the usual grind. Of course he should see his mum but not bang smack .in the middle of the day which then precludes any day out or lunch for you!
And yes his gaming every Saturday afternoon is also an issue.
I would find something you'd love to do on a Saturday afternoon and say you need to rotate the Saturday afternoons between you. Then say can we ringfence Sunday afternoons for family time.

I feel like I must be a terrible mum seeing everyone saying you should just want to be with your kids on mothers day, and it doesn't matter if DH isn't around.

I'd be so annoyed if DH left me to it on mother's day. I love my children but I am with them every single day already so I do want mother's day to feel like a treat to me with a lovely day out.

But maybe it depends on the DC's age. With a 1 and a 4 year old, a day on my own with them would be much less relaxing and enjoyable than a family day with DH.

He plays video games with his mate every Saturday afternoon? Is he 12?

Saturday gaming session is a completely separate issue and should be treated as such (but dealt with). You go to lunch on Mother's Day with your Mum and your DC's - you see your mum, DC's see their Mum. DH goes to lunch with his Mum on Mother's Day. That way everyone sees their own Mum on Mother's Day

Gosh, I usually pride myself on being flexible - for example never insist that (adult) birthdays etc have to be celebrated on the actual day, as long as a get together happens sometime close with some of the family etc. We have to be realistic about what’s convenient, people are busy.
But I am so annoyed on your behalf OP. How on earth have you, the mother of children under age 18, NOT been prioritised on Mother’s Day ????
I find it unbelievable that somehow nowadays people have started prioritising grandmothers over the actual mothers who are caring for dependent children. When did this happen? Of course grandmothers are still mothers and of course a lot of the time it would be lovely if they join in a gathering on Mother’s Day. But surely the day should be designed around the wishes of the mother of dependent children and her DH should be making her priority. Presumably his mother had many mothers days in the past when OP’s DH and siblings were young. It’s now OP’s turn.

Agree completely

This

Such as her husband, maybe?

Obviously someone else since they’ve both been invited to lunch. The issue isn’t the lunch it’s that the OP’s not getting to decide what happens and her husband is generally an absentee father.

Agree with PP. it's the Saturday selfishness is the real issue.

Oh god the drama llama 🙄 mothers day is about children reuniting with their mother and honouring the role as a mother. Thats where it originated from.

Your husband is not your child! So yes absolutely 💯 that he goes and has lunch with his mother.

As for the gaming well how much does he help during the week, how much time other than gaming on sat does he also spend on his hobbies. How much do you. There is not enough info to even judge if his gaming is too much.

Oh so the OP should go for lunch with her MIL and not see either her own children or her own mother on Mother's Day, to accommodate the woman who raised such a shit husband and father?

This gets better and better.

I disagree with those saying be with your kids and he should be with his mum. I admit, it’s a day for mothers but when children are little, they aren’t capable of giving their mum a lovely day without input from another adult. In most families, that adult is the other parent.
Of course people should work in a visit to their own mothers but leaving the OP to do the heavy lifting childcare wise whilst DH has a lovely, adult only dinner with his mum really isn’t on in my book.

He sounds like a child. Playing video games every single Saturday? Sod that!
I know teenagers with more variety in their social lives than to do the same thing every day each week.
This coming weekend I’d announce that with immediate effect you will take it in turns to fly solo with the children each Saturday. See how he likes being left on his own whilst you go off and do something fun.

Since you don’t have rigid plans on Mother’s Day is it really an issue that he pops out for a few hours to have lunch with his Mum?