To feel awkward about our financial situation?

[Choppypog]

Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.

Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...

But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!

[uncomfortablydumb53]

Enjoy your life, be discreet. Stay grounded

[Whatamigoingtodopleasehelp]

its incredibly crass to talk about how much you earn. Especially just for for the purpose of adding to yet another I want to add my wealth to the list, don’t forget me.

It’s not a worry is it? Easily resolved though. Don’t spend it, give it away. No one is that interested in anyone’s life that they are constantly mentioning your car. A car is car. You aren’t that important to others.

Enjoy your money or don’t no one cares.

Who the hell falls over themselves to jump to it to add their wealth to a list on an anonymous forum?

[Funkyblues101]

You're not being forced to spend the money if you don't want to. If you prefer to drive an everage car then do that. There are plenty of very wealthy people who don't flash the cash, it isn't compulsory!

[ChopSuey2]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Huge changes in finances can change relationships and if you grew up struggling it can be really hard to justify and feel comfortable spending. I think it can almost feel like an identity shift. I'm not rich but even moving into the middle class wage bracket feels alien to me. I still cut my own hair, wear clothes until they literally fall apart etc. I don't feel comfortable in expensive shops or restaurants. I subconsciously feel things aren't for "people like me".

I think the most important thing is to be mindful of your friends' financial situation. Don't suggest places or activities they would struggle to afford etc (not saying you would)

[Robin233]

I know how you feel.
And yes there are worse problems- there always is - it's something I have had to get over.
In the past I felt I had to dim my wit so people don't get jealous, keep my achievements quiet and downplay material stuff.
Now I try not to do this and as a people pleaser it's very hard.
I've already lost a close relative - jealousy.
I never rub these things in anyone's face but I'm now openly happy about these things and find that genuine friends are pleased for me too.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Brag brag blah blah. I’ll carry on watching my smart meter.

[spelunky]

@Led9519 I can see you're being flamed on here but I agree with you. If I were wealthy I would help those I love who were in need and give a percentage of my income to what I see as good/ charitable causes (as I already do).

But I also recognise that this is my own opinion/ idealised view of how I would like the world to be, and I know others don't share it, as much as I wish they might.

It would be wrong to say anything about the fact she is choosing not to help. It's all subjective and people's own choices.

[DivorcingEU]

OP your husband very likely wouldn't be able to have the career he does and therefore his income if he'd taken may leave and was that working 2-3 days a week. You've enabled his career, facilitated growth of his professional experience, extension of his opportunities and boosting of his pension by staying home. It's your money too.

I absolutely agree that putting as much as is possible in a pension for you is not only very sensible planing, but fair. Please talk to him about it.

And yes, be discrete at work. Right now isn't the time to talk about spa breaks, if your colleagues aren't able to do that. Be vague. Talk about plans to see family or friends rather than going on an expensive holiday. You have every right to do nice things, but it's also worth being a bit sensitive.m to your surroundings.

[BlueHeelers]

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week.

I get how you might feel. But can you think about it this way?

Your DH is able to work hard to earn a good salary because you support him by looking after the home stuff and your DC. You subsidise him with your time, basically.

[NotWastingAnymoreTime]

@LookingOldTheseDays

I agree with this. A fancy car or a spa break wouldn't be remarked upon in my workplace. I think you must be talking about your money more than you think if you're attracting comments.

Totally second this. It would take more than a nice car and a spa holiday to make anyone think someone was absolurely loaded. Nobody bats an eyelid about people who are living comfortable lives.

Even the fact that you mention you have a public sector job as though that automatically means low pay, is quite telling. You may well be suprised that you work with colleagues in a similar position to you, but maybe they are just discrete. Colleagues don't need to know about the size of your house or that your children attend private school etc. You may be oversharing if they know that much.

At my work place we always ooh and ahh about peoples holidays, ask if they are off on another jolly etc. It's just office banter.

I still can't get over the fact that you are calling it your DHs wealth.Surely it belongs to your family? What is the point of being successful if your family can't benefit? As long as you aren't going wild then spend away. Your DH sounds like a good egg as it sounds as though he has made it clear that the money is both of yours.

So many posts about women suffering financial abuse and people worried about not making ends meet and your posting this. Totally tone deaf.

[Needathickskin]

As @CurtainsForBea said....we are also in same financial position (multi millionaires, having set up own businesses, tax payers)

I consciously choose not to post anything on social media that looks poor taste / tone deaf, especially given current economic climate. In fact, I rarely post on social media. And never about holidays or private schools or anything remotely controversial.

I do a lot of community volunteering and can quantify what I'm giving back, but even so, there is still resentment from a small no of locals who see the size of house or land and resent us for it, despite the fact we have and still do pay hundreds of thousands per year in tax and also give back to the local community through charitable giving and hands on time. It's made me realise there will always be an element of people who are predispositioned to want to believe their own narrative, however much the reality is different.

[youshouldnthaveasked]

@bibbybox

Classy and elegant behaviour

Why is it classy & elegant to drive a Ka & west Tesco clothes if you're a multimillionaire? I mean do want you want just don't understand why it's been labelled as such.

@bibbybox its not about the car, it’s about the not showing off and making h it clear to the world that you are loaded.

Showing all your riches looks tacky

[SueVineer]

@DivorcingEU

OP your husband very likely wouldn't be able to have the career he does and therefore his income if he'd taken may leave and was that working 2-3 days a week. You've enabled his career, facilitated growth of his professional experience, extension of his opportunities and boosting of his pension by staying home. It's your money too.

I absolutely agree that putting as much as is possible in a pension for you is not only very sensible planing, but fair. Please talk to him about it.

And yes, be discrete at work. Right now isn't the time to talk about spa breaks, if your colleagues aren't able to do that. Be vague. Talk about plans to see family or friends rather than going on an expensive holiday. You have every right to do nice things, but it's also worth being a bit sensitive.m to your surroundings.

I have a high earning career with two kids and no spouse who works 2 days a week. How do I and so many other women manage it when men apparently need to be facilitated?

[JudgyVonHolierThanThou]

@SueVineer

I have a high earning career with two kids and no spouse who works 2 days a week. How do I and so many other women manage it when men apparently need to be facilitated?

This, so many times over.

Nobody wants to answer it.

I remember my old boss saying to me one time that the worst thing about being gay was that you don’t get a wife. I said, I relate - I don’t get a wife, either.

Straight men don’t know they’re born, with little wifey in the background making it all run smoothly for them. Honestly, this thread would have us all believe they’d fall apart completely without their domestic appliance servicing their every need.

[JuneBridie]

What a load of humble bragging nonsense. Nobody but you cares about your car and your spa weekend op, I can guarantee it. I often wonder if these type of threads are bogus old pony created by mnhq to get lots of traffic as it’s catnip to most of the mn demographic.

[butterfliedtwo]

@SueVineer

I have a high earning career with two kids and no spouse who works 2 days a week. How do I and so many other women manage it when men apparently need to be facilitated?

It's a real mystery...

[Cheeseandhoney]

@butterfliedtwo

It's a real mystery...

Agree, this he is only where he is due to me is literally insane. Childcare and housework can be outsourced. Man or woman who progess in their career is not because they have a spouse doing the child care and chores. No more than the school is to be credited due having them during the day or the nanny or cleaner.

[BMrs]

In a super similar situation here.

Firstly, keep your business to yourself. Obviously not big things but try not to give too much away. Keep yourself quiet on social media, we just bought a beautiful home 18 months ago and I haven't put one pic online or anything like that. Don't want to be seen to show off and friends will naturally see our home when they visit etc. so don't feel the need to share on Facebook etc.

I can't say our change in situation hasn't effected some relationships- it has. Especially with our two closest friends which is sad. Comments like, "you've changed" etc. I haven't but my circumstances have. Still shop at Primark and charity shops are my fave 🤣 but we like a nice holiday etc. Again don't share pics.

Lastly, I work 2 days too and if it wasn't for me holding the fort at home, my husband wouldn't be where he is today. We're a team and I never feel as though our money is just his money etc. as a family, whatever we have we have collectively and that's that.

[Deposit]

Friend of mine was a similar situation - found the comments from colleagues in the staff room very difficult, they were half jokey but they never stopped and eventually she just couldn't stand it any more and she left, misses the kids but not the politics in the staff room.

[pilates]

Just keep quiet about money with everyone including family and friends. Don’t forget you played a part in where your husband is now and doing a very worthwhile job looking after your daughter. I like to hear people doing well in this current climate and so good on you both. And don’t worry about spending your husband’s money.

[BMrs]

@Led9519

Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.

I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!

Seems you've got a bit of stick for your comment but I don't think you're in the wrong.

I'm in a similar position to OP and in a vastly different financial situation to my siblings. To help family, we have bought houses for both our mothers to live in, paid for a new roof for my sisters home as she had damp
Issues, put nieces and nephews in our will to alongside our own DC. I don't want our own children to get so much privilege with our families children struggling to get on the housing ladder.

We're fortunate enough and able to help family so happy to do so when we are able to.

[SofiaSoFar]

@Cheeseandhoney

Agree, this he is only where he is due to me is literally insane. Childcare and housework can be outsourced. Man or woman who progess in their career is not because they have a spouse doing the child care and chores. No more than the school is to be credited due having them during the day or the nanny or cleaner.

I'm glad there's at least several of us on this thread who acknowledge that!

[Shamdyhandy]

I’m a high earning single parent. No-one has ‘facilitated’ me. It’s just something people who live off other people’s money say to make them feel better. It’s fine, if you want to live off your husband/ partner/ dog whatever, own it. But don’t kid yourself they wouldn’t be where they were but for you popping to Tescos.

In the past I felt I had to dim my wit so people don't get jealous, keep my achievements quiet and downplay material stuff. Now I try not to do this and as a people pleaser it's very hard. I've already lost a close relative - jealousy.

Oh god. I have an ex friend like this on social media. Everything is ‘joyous’ and ‘blessed’ and not even humble bragging. I bet you didn’t lose your relative out of jealousy….

[MrPickles73]

I am intrigued what the OP considers an exceptional financial position? Are we talking a household income of £50,000, £150,000, £500, 000, £5 million? Its hard to tell what is going on and hence what is appropriate. I'm amazed that colleagues are stunned by someone going to a spa? Spas are packed with all kinds of people..

And as for I have a toddler so I only work 2 days a week.. is this the 1950s? I went back to work when my kids were 11 months old.. I think in the US maternity leave is counted in days rather than weeks..

I would encourage everyone to be financially independent, if only for your self-esteem.

But I do think working full time is easier when the other spouse has a less full on job and is able to drop work / activity at the drop of a hat. Nannies don't necessarily provide this service unless you are paying them to clean during the day? Our son was sick at school on Tuesday so DH had to drive there and pick him up. I can't do that if I am in a meeting..

[Fwaltz]

I can understand why you’d feel like this. It could make you feel better if you were able to do something with your wealth that benefits other people (either donating funds to charity, or using some of the time you’re now in a position to be off work to contribute to a local volunteering project)? Would be nice for your kids to see you role model this sort of behaviour too.
Aside from that, I would try not to feel guilty about it. It’s the way of our world that some people have more than others, and you never know when luck could change. Enjoy it and make sure you’re as secure as possible for your future.