To feel awkward about our financial situation?

[Choppypog]

Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.

Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...

But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!

[Xenia]

You could choose not to spend his money as you did not earn it as it sounds like you would be happier that way. Eg you could enter iinto a post nup using solicitors saying youa re not entitled to much at all of it. You could ensure things like a much better house and care are all in hius name and you only spend what you earn, if you think that will make you happier!

Or you could try to out earn him - I earned 10x my husband and it is really fun - I encourage all women to do so.

If you feel you have far too much money by all means pass it my way or you can volunteer to pay more tax or make gifts to pay off parts of the UK's national debt via HMRC or give to charity.

[MysteryBelle]

Enjoy yourself! Don’t worry about it. Keep things private so that the people around you don’t resent the money and privileges you now have. If they don’t know, they can’t be resentful and there won’t be any drama! Simply don’t mention the spa break. Just that phrase sounds privileged so don’t use it. Just say you took a couple days off if you’re forced to say something. You don’t have to apologize but at the same time if you drive what people think of as a ‘flashy’ car, of course they’re going to comment. What would you expect? Be discreet. Don’t talk about your finances etc.

[GoodChat]

@Xenia if you earn 10x what your husband does, unless hes unemployed I kind of feel like you don't need OP's husbands money...

[MysteryBelle]

If your husband says his money is your money, say thank you for his trust and stop overthinking it. Enjoy, help people out when you see a need ❤️

[Housenoob]

In the nicest possible way, no one really cares. So you may get the odd comment here and there. I can guarantee you they aren't going home thinking about it, or if they are they're probably thinking wow lucky cow. So what?

[butterfliedtwo]

@Areyounot

For goodness sake. I am sick of these “humble brag” posts. Just go enjoy it and stop rubbing everyone’s face in it. Absolutely joke. What a think to worry about.

Yeah. Must be a nice problem to have.

[butterfliedtwo]

@Janch13

I’ll swap with you OP if you like? To save you feeling awkward about it

I volunteer too. I like being helpful like that...

[RockGirl]

I'm interested in what your husband does. I'm sure you can say without outing yourself. It's great to see people work hard and rise up the ranks.

[Timesawastin]

@MadMadMadamMim

If colleagues make jokey remarks again give them a hard stare and say 'My husband works very hard for his money" and then change the subject.

It's rude. They will hopefully realise that.

Yeah, only rich people work hard for their money🙄

[Isitjustmethenhey]

Read the room, op.

This doesn’t have to be a *Problem

Many people struggling at the moment.

[Sunsetintheeast]

Where do you live OP? I ask because £80k cars seem like the default round here, it’s mental. Our works car park has a McLaren, a few top end Teslas, Porsches, range rovers. My 21 year old Golf was letting the side down until recently. I wonder if you lived in a very affluent area whether you’d notice quite so much.

Are you going to privately educate?

[Iona345]

Maybe be more discreet. If your colleagues are giving you grief at work, you're clearly bragging.

[adriftinadenofvipers]

@Lilypad26 - "It’s impossible to hide it when you turn up to work in a car that’s worth more than a lot of peoples houses" - simple solution to that.

Just don't turn up to work in a car that’s worth more than a lot of peoples houses?!

[EmmaDilemma5]

You don't have to flash your cash just because you have it. No one's forcing you to buy fancy cars or tell people about your amazing holidays.

Either spend it and enjoy it, or hold back.

I assume you're also doing some good with the money. If it would make you feel better, why not set up or contribute to a charity. It may make you feel better about the wealth you now have.

[adriftinadenofvipers]

@Itsmyturnnow1

If you’re a nice genuine person who doesn’t brag about it, people won’t care! We have wealthier friends but they’re so down to earth and enjoy our company so who cares. Also money doesn’t buy everything, especially your health.. I thought about this during covid times.. it was the unknown for everyone and for some reason I kept thinking about celebs and rich people, no one was immune from it and no one is immune from any health issue regardless of wealth.

Enjoy it, stay down to earth, don’t brag and donate to charity!

Rich people don't have to wait forever on the NHS. Their wealth gives them access to the best of healthcare.

[Zweee]

I’m going to defend the op a little bit. This is a first world problem but I get what you mean.

I grew up in a deprived area, working class parents with menial jobs. Every year I make between 10-15k in bonus (on top of an good wage) and a bit of me always feels a bit sick and guilty about it, like I don’t deserve it. It’s a lot of money and more savings than my parents ever had, every year.

I guess being part of the “other half” is a mindset that takes some getting used to

[Whatafielddayfortheheat]

@Choppypog no goading here, OK so it's a nice issue to have but it's still an issue. If you listen to Dr Lori Santos' podcast- I think it's called How to be happy or something- you'll see that the way you feel is very common.

However to give you a different perspective, DH and I have fallen on very hard times due to a combination of bad luck and a couple of poor decisions (nothing illegal or immoral, just selling/buying at the wrong time etc). We now dont earn at all, no equity and no savings. We are renting and cannot save for our own or our children's future. I feel very awkward for the same reason though opposite circumstances- I can't take my kids out to activities with our friends, I'm always having to say no, I have to take packed lunches when others are buying their kids meals out, I feel awful for our kids. What I'm saying is that whatever your situation there are ways to feel awkward, and it might make you feel better to consider that - feeling awkward it not something that is only happening to you or people in your situation, if that makes sense.

[Whatafielddayfortheheat]

Sorry that Should say we don't OWN at all - we do earn!

[Luredbyapomegranate]

I do think you might be imagining some of this OP. The only thing I think might be obvious is an expensive car - in which case either don’t let it bother you / say it’s a company car - or just buy a cheap runaround when your husband needs yours. Houses are often an inheritance, holidays you can be vague about, school fees you can put down to grandparents/scholarships, clothes you can claim to rent/ buy on vinted if anyone noticed..

In terms of the money being his - you are a team, you look after your child. If he became disabled and you had to work FT to support him would your money not be his? Of course it would.

In the nicest way, catch yourself on.

[GoAgainstNicki]

@Led9519

Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.

I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!

You sound grabby as fuck!

[LuckyPeonies]

No offense intended, but this thread does come across as humble bragging. 😛

Enjoy quietly or flaunt, entirely up to you and there is no reason to apologize for either.

[GoAgainstNicki]

Anyway, can MN please make a section for wealthy people?! What the hell can most of us here do about this thread?!

Your husband has money, you have money. Enjoy the money or leave your job so no one knows about your situation. What are we actually meant to say back to you?

[adriftinadenofvipers]

@Choppypog not having a go, but I noticed that you only work 2 days a week because you have a toddler. Now in very many family situations, and with several children, both parents work FT.

If you really feel as badly as you say about living on your DH's wealth, then use some of that wealth to outsource care and chores, and build up your own career?

[Fudgeball123]

choppypog how much would you earn if you worked part time and how much does your DH earn?

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@Xenia

You could choose not to spend his money as you did not earn it as it sounds like you would be happier that way. Eg you could enter iinto a post nup using solicitors saying youa re not entitled to much at all of it. You could ensure things like a much better house and care are all in hius name and you only spend what you earn, if you think that will make you happier!

Or you could try to out earn him - I earned 10x my husband and it is really fun - I encourage all women to do so.

If you feel you have far too much money by all means pass it my way or you can volunteer to pay more tax or make gifts to pay off parts of the UK's national debt via HMRC or give to charity.

I don’t think it would make the OP happy to live frugally while Mr Raking It goes racing at the weekends or to give up her rights to his money as his partner. This is good because she’d be insane. Neither do I think she wants to outearn him, given she works PT to be with her kid, and it probably wouldn’t be possible anyways.